Posted by daisym on September 15, 2004, at 19:08:57
and not feel so alone. No one is in Open.
I've had a couple of really rough days. (weeks? months?) I feel like I've gone back to the story telling stage in which I pour out all the old crud on my therapist and sob through most of it. How could all of this have happened to me as a child? I keep adding in new parts and pieces and even though I shouldn't be, I'm shocked by them.
We are also doing some intensive work about my current relationships, especially with my husband. So for the most part I've kept the youngest parts of me quiet, and concentrated on being an adult trying to problem solve the situation. That fell apart yesterday because my therapist directly asked to talk to "her" (my younger self). (She had a tantrum last week about not being able to talk--really, I even slammed the door when I left therapy--and he promised to make an effort to help me let her out this week.)
I told him I was afraid to let her talk because she was upset...I was upset and anxious...heck! we ALL were upset. And I was terrified I would fall apart. He said, "maybe that is exactly what needs to happen. You are here with me, what safer place?"
So, I let her talk. Turns out she has a lot to say about the current state of things, including that they remind her of past anger. And her memories about angry episodes and hitting are pretty clear. And I'm really clear that I DON'T WANT anymore of her memories. So we went to war, right there in session. I ended up sobbing and falling apart. And telling my therapist he has to stop asking to talk to "her"...I needed her to be quiet about what happened. That it was too much for me and I was sure too much for him.
He just shook his head and said he promised her that he would listen to everything she had to say. But that he understood how very painful it was for me to hear it all. And that he could handle it. He said I have to let her speak her truths. She needed to do that.
It was quiet for a while and then the very youngest parts of me crept out and asked him not to leave us in this mess of emotions. And he promised not to, he said he won't leave her and he won't leave me. But there is still a deep terror that if I don't figure out how to stop telling these stories soon, he'll get done.
And then where will I be?
poster:daisym
thread:391233
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040911/msgs/391233.html