Posted by Pfinstegg on September 15, 2004, at 23:14:19
In reply to Re: Just Need to Babble - sorry, long » Pfinstegg, posted by daisym on September 15, 2004, at 21:36:40
I guess you know that I go to a psychoanalyst (one who specializes in childhood trauma, PTSD and dissociation), so I do go every day. I really need to, I think, to do this kind of work, and I feel very fortunate to be able to financially. It's so interesting that your *child* and mine play such differing roles. My mother was mentally ill when I was an infant and child, and really an absence more than a presence. Unfortunately, my father, while not as ill as she was, was cruel and sadistic, choosing me (of the three children) to beat severely, criticize and be quite menacing to sexually.
I grew up on a farm. I was really more attached to the meadows, streams and the animals than any people. There just wasn't anyone to trust. To establish contact with the girl, my analyst, whose office has glass doors on one side, sometimes mentions the birds at his balcony feeders, the fresh air coming through the windows,or the pretty stream which flows in a little park beneath the balcony, He tells the girl what birds he has noticed along the stream, and has also invited her to walk along the stream, maybe after a session (I haven't done that yet). If, on a trip to the mountains, he has seen a flower he likes, he'll mention that, because he knows I have always loved them. He encourages me to fantasize how the girl would like his office to be- in particular if she would like any animals in there. He keeps coming back to these simple things in between painful talks about the loneliness and abuse. I know it sounds a bit odd, but the dissociated girl seems to care more about these things than anything else, and it always strengthens her trust in him to have him join her world. It helps her be able to disclose her painful secrets. As my analyst has slowly gained understanding of what
the girl's world was really like, he does everything he can to join her in it. I appreciate that so much, or, I guess I should say, *she* does.I dissociated myself almost completely from this girl, and grew up to become a doctor, who has always felt and acted very compassionate. Being loving towards my own family, friends and community is always what has meant the most to me. It wasn't until I entered analysis that I began to fully remember how the girl acted and felt. Of course, chronic anxiety and depression always signalled that something was really wrong, but it had to get pretty severe before I wanted to really look at all the memories i had pushed out of my mind. I'm really glad I'm able to do it, and know it's helping slowly, but it's awfully hard, isn't it?
poster:Pfinstegg
thread:391233
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040911/msgs/391350.html