Posted by sunny10 on January 27, 2005, at 13:27:59
In reply to WHY ITS HUMILIATING, posted by Susan47 on January 27, 2005, at 13:03:04
> I posted a long bunch of stuff on Writing again it's about love and now I KNOW why it FEELS humiliating but isn't necessarily that it's something else, because loving someone means they have all the qualities you see in yourself, and
> if they don't love you back it means you're fooling yourself about the qualities you think you have, it means you're a fraud, somehow, about who you think you are, you've fooled yourself into thinking you're someone you're really not. You know, like the person who says, I'm generous and kind, but in reality others might see him as a penny-pinching boor. So you've gone and arrested your development towards your true potential, and now you can See in this person you're in love with, what you really aren't if they don't love you back. You see, it's all about yourself....
> Susan, give it a rest. A break. No one will understand what you're saying. I don't think people really understand what love is, they all think it's an airy-fairy emotion .. but it isn't, it's a survival device, not just for reproduction, but for the development of the human species into something truly, spiritually beautiful ...----------darling, the what you didn't see was that you can't be wrong by being humiliated (more on THAT later) by a one-sided love AND be wrong to see a new T who might destroy a budding love (that secret litle hope)
you give yourself a lose-lose scenario here...How can you be wrong in a one-sided love AND harbor (and maybe maliciously protect) that secret little hope?
You are burning yourself with both ends of this candle, love, and I can't bear to see it.
Can you, perhaps, allow yourself the permission to be confused? Do you have to make yourself WRONG? Especially when it appears unclear on exactly which point you COULD be wrong (because it clearly cannot be both- that would be a paradox).
And THAT, IMHO is what the new T is for. Don't let yourself be swayed by thoughts that just because she "knows" him, she will think you're crazy- OR that she, too, is in love with him... You are driving yourself MAD with these possiblities. Ask yourself in what context she might "know" him, anyway. "Knows" in the context that he is part of the same mental health community/ maybe she read a paper he wrote/ maybe she has merely been introduced to him by a mutual acquaintence? We don't know. I DO know that if I have been referred to the next T by the previous one, the T will make a validating comment about the previous T. If I have not been referred, I am asked who my previous T was, and the validation still comes out. I think it is more like a form of professional courtesy acknowledgment to the old T, mainly. And, for you, it is supposed to present a picture of cohesiveness. That your therapy may now continue.
okay, enough of that for now.... on to this humiliation cr*p......
In my opinion, one-sided love occurs when we attribute qualities/possibilities to a person that they don't really have. Not, as you suggest, the other way around. Your posts reads that one-sided love happens because you did (or are) something wrong. How could that be? We cannot be "missing" or "wrong" about something that the other individual is not even looking for. How can we be humiliated for not "being" what they are not looking for us to be in the first place?
I know I think conceptually and have difficulties writing stuff down in a linear fashion so that others understand- PLEASE do not use my horrible writing skills to make yourself feel like you're not reading it right....It's true, I get told I'm not understood ALL the time...
Worse part is that the concept is usually jumping through my chest by the time I can sort it out linearly and write it down- thus the GAD....too many thoughts, not enough brain matter...!
smiles,
sunny10
poster:sunny10
thread:448324
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050122/msgs/448694.html