Posted by daisym on December 8, 2005, at 0:42:09
He tells me I'm holding myself away from him this week and yet I feel like I can't stand being away from him. Yesterday I left in tears after telling him he had no idea how hard it was for me again between sessions. I felt so alone. He said "I'm here - but you won't let me in." But I don't know why not.
Today I spent the first 1/2 hour talking about future career goals. And then I looked at him and said, "Why do you think I'm having such a hard time missing you again?" Of course he didn't answer me, but we talked about how frustrated I was with being back in this needy place. I said I was tired of being in parts and pieces. That I needed to stop regressing and move forward -- make decisions about what is next. He said those were adult goals. And good ones. But it seemed that I'm trying to "beat into submission" the part of me that is still hurting and still has stories to tell. He thinks the need for him is escalating as the younger part gets more and more panicked about being ignored, being shut down and not ever being allowed "out" again. He said Little Daisy isn't going quietly. And he thinks that is a good thing. I tried to explain the war going on in my head about what was important -- it made the room spin and I floated away completely. I told him I wanted to fight with him about letting her out or keeping her quiet. So he needed to pick a side. He said we need to make room for both parts of me. How do you fight with that?!
What I need to say is that I'm really worried that now that someone is listening to me about the abuse, I'll never be able to quiet down these younger parts. I don't want to be "addicted" to the intensity that comes with telling and the good feeling of (finally) being heard, believed and soothed. I need to let go of that and find contentment in my life now. But truthfully, as hard as I try to not be in separate parts, I still am. And this younger part is terrified that I will force her into silence again and rip her away from the first security she has ever really felt. The books tell me to comfort her -- and to move on. They just don't tell me how to do that. Or how long is too long?
My therapist ended our session today telling me that it takes a lot of time to heal. And he said to heal means to make whole. I told him I just didn't think I could do it. It is too hard and too painful to keep going. He said, "I know. But what is your alternative?" I had no answer to that -- just two little tears that escaped down my face.
My answer tonight is to put Little Daisy up for adoption. Someone else come and take care of her for a while.
poster:daisym
thread:586792
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051206/msgs/586792.html