Posted by Tamar on December 8, 2005, at 6:37:10
In reply to Horrible session, posted by daisym on December 8, 2005, at 0:42:09
I’m sorry it’s so hard.
> I said I was tired of being in parts and pieces. That I needed to stop regressing and move forward -- make decisions about what is next.
It really does take time to heal, and healing isn’t necessarily linear. Sometimes we need to return to things. I don’t think it’s going backwards or regeressing; I think it’s revisiting old things from a new perspective. That’s actually progress. If you didn’t have new perspectives, you would have no framework in which to deal with it all.
> What I need to say is that I'm really worried that now that someone is listening to me about the abuse, I'll never be able to quiet down these younger parts.
Maybe once they’ve been fully heard they’ll be a bit quieter of their own accord. Maybe if they believe they will be listened to when they need to be listened to, they’ll be quiet in between. I don’t think they’ll be obstreperous forever, but at the moment they need a little attention. It’s natural.
> I don't want to be "addicted" to the intensity that comes with telling and the good feeling of (finally) being heard, believed and soothed.
(((((Daisy))))) It’s not an addiction. You *need* to be soothed and cared for. It’s not bad or foolish or childish or silly. Everybody needs it. At any age. Yes, it feels intense when you’re hurting. But that’s because you need it so much. It helps a little with the hurt. And when things don’t hurt quite so much any longer, you won’t need the soothing so much. It might be hard to believe that, but it’s true. Eventually, when it hurts less, the intensity will be less.
> I need to let go of that and find contentment in my life now.
I suspect your therapist might say that you need to heal a bit more before you can find the same kind of contentment outside of therapy.
> But truthfully, as hard as I try to not be in separate parts, I still am. And this younger part is terrified that I will force her into silence again and rip her away from the first security she has ever really felt. The books tell me to comfort her -- and to move on. They just don't tell me how to do that. Or how long is too long?
There is no ‘too long’. Whenever she needs to be comforted, comfort her. Moving on comes naturally out of feeling comforted. I think it’s like the end of a hug with a close friend. Hugs are nice but they don’t last forever. Eventually we leave the embrace and do other things. But there can be more hugs later if we need them. Or if we just want them.
> My therapist ended our session today telling me that it takes a lot of time to heal. And he said to heal means to make whole. I told him I just didn't think I could do it. It is too hard and too painful to keep going. He said, "I know. But what is your alternative?" I had no answer to that -- just two little tears that escaped down my face.
It *is* hard. It is excruciatingly painful. But if you allow yourself a little comfort, the pain becomes a little more bearable.
> My answer tonight is to put Little Daisy up for adoption. Someone else come and take care of her for a while.I’ve love to babysit little Daisy too. I think my kids would adore her. There’s a park a few minutes’ drive away with swings and pretty flowers and a pond with birds. It’s a great place to go for a walk and a play. There’s also a café in the middle of the park where we can get hot chocolate with marshmallows. Do you think she’d like to come with us?
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:586792
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051206/msgs/586820.html