Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 10, 2007, at 4:45:57
Here's why I'm a f*cking moron.
1) muffled posted about her T going away and how hard it would be
2) I did not consider the fact that my own T is going away for 3 weeks and will be out of the country. i/e out of touch.
3) I thought I was strong enough to handle it.
4) pdoc is going out of town for 10 days too
5) I'm writing my dissertation
6) I've been having flashbacks of increasing severity
7) I don't want to have bad feelings about my T leaving me
8) I DO have bad feelings about my T leaving me
9) I'm directing them inwards. forgetting to eat. forgetting to sleep. forgetting to take pills
10) self-destructive thoughts are like flies and I'm getting weary of fighting them off. They've started to land and are laying eggs. Soon there will be maggots writhing through my rotten brain
11) I'm a f*cking retard for not considering this until now.
12) I'm a f*cking retard for emailing pdoc. I've already given up on T helping me.
13) T warned me I might have strong feelings about her letting me down.
14) T got a substitute T to cover for her (particularly for my f*cked up case)
15) I have been having a lot of very vivid memories and nightmares of abuse lately
16) T has been taking notes for the last 4 weeks.
17) I think I'm f*cked. royally f*cked.
18) A few more missed pills and I could end up in the hospital
19) I few too many pills and I could end up in the hospital
20) Too much stress in my life right now. I have deadlines. *note* deadline has the word 'dead' in it for a reason
21) I've packed my bag to go to my office today.
22) There is no place where I can rest at home. I haven't slept for more than an hour or two in a row for 3 days now.
23) I've packed toiletries.
24) There is a hospital near my office. maybe I'll go spend some quality time there. I'm terrified of it, though.
25) There is no safe place for me. screw my post above. I cannot make my mind stop whirling. Thus. even the calmest place is very very scary and dangerous.
26) I don't know what to do anymore.
27) I'm waiting for the first bus run of the day so that I can go to the store and buy some juice and a smoothie because I haven't eaten more than a muffin in 2 days.
28) I may be getting my roommates cold/flu
29) Sometimes I have incredibly lucid moments of high affect, and they last for hours and then I crash. My moods are unstable
30) that's a good place to stop. pack toothbrush. klonopin. headache medicine. geodon. but not too much. just enough.
and I DON'T want you to worry about me. I just needed to distract myself for 15 minutes. because the bus comes later on saturday am. I don't want people to worry about me. I don't want people to know I exist today. I want to be invisible and powerful and throw curses at my enemies. problem is that my enemies are all in my head and so I end up with a lot of self-destructive curse-throwing. I've developed some better coping mechanisms than I used to have though.
fake love
fake hugsout.
poster:Llurpsie_Noodle
thread:739737
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070309/msgs/739737.html