Posted by vwoolf on July 19, 2007, at 14:54:41
A difficult thing happened to me last week. It has taken me until now to begin to talk about it, and even now I feel quite nauseous.
I heard via email from an old friend, a man I respect. He is about twenty years older than me, a father figure I suppose. He has publicly supported survivor's movements for many years. In his email he wrote about a theraputic group for traumatised children which he is connected with, and so I decided I would trust him and tell him about my past, to see if we could establish a deeper friendship.
I invited him to lunch at a restaurant. We sat and talked for about four hours, and I told him about my father, about the abuse, about what it has cost me.
He sympathised, but somehow I felt very uncomfortable with his line of thought. He then told me he found all this digging up the past unhelpful, destructive.
And then he started making sexual advances. Trying to touch me, kiss me....
I feel dirty. I feel guilty for inviting him to lunch. Did I want this? Was I trying to seduce him by taking about sex, even though it was csa? It feels like the stuff whith my father all over again. How responsible am I now? How responsible was I then?
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. Except that this feels like a pattern. And that I am always to blame.
poster:vwoolf
thread:770573
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070714/msgs/770573.html