Posted by Dinah on August 6, 2008, at 11:03:38
In reply to Re: Talked to him about everything, posted by antigua3 on August 6, 2008, at 10:19:44
I wasn't planning to bring it up at all, really. I've worked hard to try to convince him not to censor himself so much. That I can take whatever it is he's thinking. Not to be so careful with me. That our relationship has reached a point where I trust him. I didn't want to say anything to mess that up. And naturally I also want to be delicate about noticing how happy he seems. That is his private business.
Then I just blurted it out. In response to something so far removed that he initially ignored what I said, because it made no sense in context.
I have trouble figuring out things that are this illogical. Trust means you can rely on something. But if at any moment he can (and has) changed so much, and if that is also true of the future, and if I will never really have any idea of when those changes could happen, how can I rely on it? It's like leaning on something with the full knowledge that it could be yanked out from under you at any moment. For most people here, that's a remote possibility. For me, it's not. I have to either live with that, or leave. I'm not going to leave, but it would be foolish of me to trust completely. Not in this area.
That sounds like acceptance. :(
I think part of why I'm muddled on the topic of his valuing of my personal qualities is that he is too. I could literally see him trying to figure out what to say. He's got two separate goals. To get me to see the me he sees, and to believe in that. And to assure me that he won't stop caring about me if I don't live up to his view of me. He'd say something, pause, realize that it leaned too far in one direction, then say something else, pause, and realize it didn't convey the other point he was trying to make. I guess those ten minute discussions are hard for them too.
I'm guessing that if we keep talking about it, we'll reach some sort of agreement in principle on what is acceptable to each of us.
Still... I'm kind of proud of myself. Last ten minutes or not, I did tell him something I never intended to tell him. Funny thing to say about therapy, but those things were private.
I hope you're able to process your last session. Sometimes it comes to me over time.
poster:Dinah
thread:844447
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080727/msgs/844554.html