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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Skittles on October 25, 2004, at 22:31:15
I'm wondering how all of your T's respond when you cry. And I don't mean just a couple of tears. What I'm interested in is that kind of bawling where you are sobbing and gasping for breath.
I ask because someone in the threads above mentioned that their T simply sat there watching! This is the very reason I censor my tears so much in therapy. I'm afraid of sitting there weeping with no physical contact. It makes the sobbing all the more sad, isolating and desperate - for me, at least. I'm not saying I want to be held. That would certainly make me uncomfortable. But a hand on the arm or shoulder would be nice. And I'm not sure that words alone would be enough for me.
Yes, I posted previously that my T is special. I still firmly believe she is. I just don't know how she would respond if I let this flood of emotion out. I'm afraid if I do, I'll only end up feeling worse. I know my other IRL people would let me down, so I've just been keeping it in. It's getting awfully big and painful. I *leak* a little now and then, but sooner or later the dam is going to break.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 25, 2004, at 22:52:17
In reply to What your T does when you cry?, posted by Skittles on October 25, 2004, at 22:31:15
Sometimes I bawl my eyes out. I also have a habit of kind of curling up all foetal and dissociating. My last T would kind of tap me on the shoulder or leg when I did that, but I think it was more to do with trying to prevent me dissociating than a friendly gesture.
I am a bit funny about physical contact. I think in general I would rather be held with words than with body contact. Some people here have talked about how their therapists can hold them emotionally with their voices, and to me that is much better than physical contact because anyone can touch, but not many can convey closeness and understanding with their voices.
But different people feel differently. Some will touch, some won't.
And then, of course, some shouldn't.
Posted by Speaker on October 25, 2004, at 23:51:51
In reply to Re: What your T does when you cry?, posted by alexandra_k on October 25, 2004, at 22:52:17
I have wondered the same thing about my T. I have csa and it was observed by others. If I would cry I'm afraid I will feel observed and that would push me over the edge. I'm sure my T would just sit there and allow me to "feel whatever I'm feeling". However I'm not willing to take that chance. I think it makes my T very uncomfortable when the session is over and sometimes I walk over to his chair (across the room) and stretch my hand out for a hand shake...I must admit I find that humerous :)...kinda of mean huh!
Posted by mandinka on October 26, 2004, at 2:05:38
In reply to What your T does when you cry?, posted by Skittles on October 25, 2004, at 22:31:15
T2 had the pleasure of watching me cry my heart out with anger and hurt over T1 (the T that dumped me under mysterious circumstances). She didn't touch me but was very compassionate and always right there with me. At one point she said she would love to hold me but she felt I wasn't emotionally ready for that. Unfortunately I'm just too guarded to make real contact (sigh).
Posted by Dinah on October 26, 2004, at 8:34:17
In reply to What your T does when you cry?, posted by Skittles on October 25, 2004, at 22:31:15
Mine would never dream of holding me. But he does hold me with his voice.
I kind of like to let tears flow unimpeded, so unless my nose is involved, I don't grab a kleenex.
My therapist has been known to suggest that I might want a kleenex. :(
Posted by Annierose on October 26, 2004, at 9:34:28
In reply to Re: What your T does when you cry? » Skittles, posted by Dinah on October 26, 2004, at 8:34:17
I agree. I would never want my T to physically hold me. I would FREAK OUT! But that is just me.
But she does hold me emotionally, and I know she is there for me.
Posted by rubenstein on October 26, 2004, at 9:42:22
In reply to Re: What your T does when you cry? » Dinah, posted by Annierose on October 26, 2004, at 9:34:28
When I am on the verge of tears he always wants me to stay with it, I have never fully broken down...I kind of wish I could at times, I guess I am too afraid of not being in control. Maybe tomorrow the flood will come, it has been that kind of a week.
Posted by shrinking violet on October 26, 2004, at 11:00:35
In reply to What your T does when you cry?, posted by Skittles on October 25, 2004, at 22:31:15
I'm not a big crier at all, and if I do fall apart, I try to make sure I'm alone and hide it as best I can.
This past February -- I had been with my T for about 7 months at that point-- my T was talking to me (as usual lol) and something about her voice and what she says, and how she can manage to speak to that deep, hurt part of me that no one else could, that I started to tear up. I tried to hold it back, but the more I tried the worse it got. After a few mins. I had tears streaming down my face. I was mortified. After a bit, she came over and held out the box of tissues to me, which I thought was sweet (and hadnt thought of getting one for myself!). After a few minutes of waiting and watching (uncomfortable, but I couldnt help it and I was sort of relieved that I *could* cry with her), she asked if I had had enough and I said yes (it was about 15 mins before the end of session). Then she said, "Can I have a hug?" I know she meant if *I* wanted one, but maybe she thought her asking for herself would be easier for me to accept (true). So I nodded and she came over and I kneeled down next to her (my T is in a wheelchair) and I put my head on her shoulder and she held me and then it all came out, pretty much sobbing on her, and she spoke gently and softly and rocked me back and forth a bit. It was really nice, and something I needed, but I know some Ts and/or clients arent comfortable with that, and that's ok too of course. The other couple of times I've cried with her weren't so pronounced, so usually I sat there and tried my best to hold it back. I know if I asked her for a hug she would have granted, but it isnt something I'm comfortable asking for myself.
Posted by pegasus on October 26, 2004, at 11:28:26
In reply to What your T does when you cry?, posted by Skittles on October 25, 2004, at 22:31:15
My old T would become quiet when I really cried, and would interject comforting statements like, "You're doing great. I know this is really hard" in a really soft voice. I liked that approach. If he'd tried to hug me, I definitely would have felt very uncomfortable.
My new T usually ends up crying herself when I cry. Which was really disconcerting for me at first, but then we talked about it, and now I'm pretty much ok with it. She says that she hasn't figured out a way to stop her own crying in these situations. In a way it's nice, because I know that I touched her in a real way. On those crying days, she usually touches me on the shoulder on my way out and says something comforting about taking good care of myself.
I think Ts are in a hard spot when it comes to situations like this. Because some people would feel awful if they were bawling and the T didn't offer a hug, or a pat, or something. But some people would feel awful if they did.
pegasus
Posted by Bent on October 26, 2004, at 11:57:09
In reply to What your T does when you cry?, posted by Skittles on October 25, 2004, at 22:31:15
Over two years in therapy and I had never cried until…yesterday!! Sometimes I want to cry but I cant. Then I leave the session and fall apart. It was only like two tears and was triggered by our first discussion ever of terminating. It hurt so bad but felt so good to be able to cry a little. My T just sat there, then leaned forward, and in a very calm voice said, “it’s ok, it’s ok, you are very brave.” I think I am going to cry now just thinking about it.
Posted by fallsfall on October 26, 2004, at 17:23:13
In reply to What your T does when you cry?, posted by Skittles on October 25, 2004, at 22:31:15
My therapist watches while I cry. But I cry at almost every session, sometimes for a lot of the session. Like Dinah, I don't reach for a kleenex unless my nose is running. In general, the tears are just falling down my cheeks. I see them (and I think that he sees them) as an indication that a particular topic is painful for me. If we stopped every time I cried we would get absolutely nowhere.
Occasionally I will cry harder. He recognizes these times, though I don't think that he says anything in particular. He isn't the kind of therapist who gives me sympathy or even direct comfort - he's Psychodynamic, and the comfort he gives me comes more as a result of his interpretations. I really think that this is better for me (though it might not be better for some other people).
I guess we both see it as my crying is one more piece of information about how I'm feeling. I don't really try *not* to cry - the effort isn't worth it, plus I am trying to recognize my emotions, not hide them. But when I cry harder, I do try to get under control because at that point I can't really talk (and that is what we *do* in therapy - we talk).
I usually love hugs, but it wouldn't be practical for him to hug me every time I cry! And I think I also need to see him as seeing me as someone who can manage on my own (I'm dependent enough as it is...). For some reason I think that I would interpret a hug as sympathy (almost pity) - and I don't need his sympathy, I need his help. I'm not saying that hugs from other therapists to other patients are intended as sympathy - just that *I* would interpret hugs that way from *my* current therapist.
I have seen a different therapist a couple of times with my daughter. A couple of weeks ago I went to see him without her (she refused to go...). I was incredibly upset even before the session started. I told him that I would cry, and that he could ignore that I was crying. He said "Or I could acknowledge that you are crying". He only said something about my tears a couple of times (like "are your tears about XXX or something else?"). I just wanted him to ignore the water.
Posted by gardenergirl on October 26, 2004, at 20:21:37
In reply to Re: What your T does when you cry? » Skittles, posted by fallsfall on October 26, 2004, at 17:23:13
Hi falls,
Oh, I am so much like you about wanting people to "ignore my tears." I used to actually say that to my T..."I'm sorry I'm crying...just ignore it." He would always reassure me that crying was okay, and at times would aske me what it meant that I wanted people to ignore my hurt.I also tend to cry a great deal through sessions. It's funny, last time though, I didn't cry as much, and then at one point I started crying. I said to him, "and now I don't know why I am crying now" and he said he was wondering too. Usually I know. That was kind of weird.
Boy do I go through the Kleenex.
On the other side of the couch, I tend to hand people Kleenex if they can't reach it and seem to want or need it. I always tell people it's okay. I have hugged someone before at the end of a really difficult session, but I do that rarely. I guess I'm more of a holder with my voice. At least I hope that's how it feels. I occasionally get teary eyed too, but surprisingly, I can manage that a lot better than outside of therapy sessions at work. Good thing! Who'd want a blubbery T? ;-)
gg
Posted by Dinah on October 27, 2004, at 0:59:43
In reply to Re: What your T does when you cry? » Skittles, posted by fallsfall on October 26, 2004, at 17:23:13
I'm not sure I want my tears ignored exactly. But I don't think I'd want them questioned either. :) It always seems to me that they speak for themselves. And I sort of like to just *be* in the moment.
Maybe it's because I'm not much of a cryer, and the simple release of emotion feels good. I don't think I've ever sobbed. I'm not a sobber. I shake instead.
Posted by shortelise on October 28, 2004, at 17:52:58
In reply to What your T does when you cry?, posted by Skittles on October 25, 2004, at 22:31:15
sometimes mine tears up too.
he always hands me the tissues.
ShortE
Posted by shortelise on October 28, 2004, at 17:53:58
In reply to What your T does when you cry?, posted by Skittles on October 25, 2004, at 22:31:15
but most of all he stays right there with me. I feel he is completely present at those times.
S
Posted by trucker on October 28, 2004, at 20:04:18
In reply to Re: What your T does when you cry? » Skittles, posted by shortelise on October 28, 2004, at 17:53:58
my T is a good egg... she hugs me sometimes when i leave and tells me hang in there we will work on such an such next time i see ya... she wishes i would open up... i don't think i have ever even teared up in front of her... however she has teared up infront of me.. her and her previous ma/T ..i never could let gaurd down growing up and i have walked a life that has seasoned me for strength..she also helps me get the medical attention and file for disability etc.. she shows me the ropes so to speak.. since i am afraid of the unknown.. her guidance is great..
trucker
Posted by crushedout on October 29, 2004, at 0:21:17
In reply to Re: What your T does when you cry?, posted by shortelise on October 28, 2004, at 17:52:58
mine used to cry with me but she doesn't anymore and it really hurts my feelings. i'm devastated about it, actually.
Posted by Daisym on October 29, 2004, at 18:10:33
In reply to Re: What your T does when you cry?, posted by crushedout on October 29, 2004, at 0:21:17
He holds me emotionally, tells me it is OK to cry in here and gives me space but not too much space to get calm. I rarely sob, usually tears down the cheeks.
Sometimes he wants to know "who" is crying and why. When it is a younger part, he moves a little closer and talks softly about not being afraid.
It took me a long time to learn to cry with him. I still apologize every time.
The other thing I like is that if I'm trying hard not to cry (deep breathing) he lets me not cry. He doesn't feel the need to make me let it all out. At the same time he lets me know it is totally OK and safe if I do.
Posted by bell_75 on November 1, 2004, at 0:50:13
In reply to What your T does when you cry?, posted by Skittles on October 25, 2004, at 22:31:15
I understand what you mean about holding back and how their can be akwardness.
I found with my therapist that when I cried he took a really comforting stand just by letting me cry as much as I needed to and whenever I apologized and called myself a cry baby he told me that he'd be more worried if I didn't. This was because I was crying over some pretty terrible stuff and if i could talk about it and not get upset by it then maybe I'd have a problem with expressing my feeling and I'd be supressing them which isn't healthy.
One thing I have learnt from therapy/my therapist is that crying is part of the healing process. You've got to feel the hurt and deal with it in your own way in order to let it go, thats what I think.
In regards to what my T did when I cried, well he did watch me and wait for me to be ready to talk again which made me feel really akward and vunerable and sometimes he'd say something that would make me laugh and most of the times he'd offer me a tissue. One time he didnt have a kleenex box in the room so he ran to the office next to his and got one from there for me :D and he truely did RUN heheh.
Although I feel a sense of nakedness and vulnerability crying in front of T there was also the comfort that I knew he wasn't judging me and that he had empathy for the reasons i was crying and validated my feelings.
I think all T's are a godsend because of the work they do and the way they do it so well.
:) Good luck.
-Bell
Posted by Crazy_Charlie on November 1, 2004, at 11:05:34
In reply to What your T does when you cry?, posted by Skittles on October 25, 2004, at 22:31:15
> I'm wondering how all of your T's respond when you cry. And I don't mean just a couple of tears. What I'm interested in is that kind of bawling where you are sobbing and gasping for breath.
>
> I ask because someone in the threads above mentioned that their T simply sat there watching! This is the very reason I censor my tears so much in therapy. I'm afraid of sitting there weeping with no physical contact. It makes the sobbing all the more sad, isolating and desperate - for me, at least. I'm not saying I want to be held. That would certainly make me uncomfortable. But a hand on the arm or shoulder would be nice. And I'm not sure that words alone would be enough for me.
>
> Yes, I posted previously that my T is special. I still firmly believe she is. I just don't know how she would respond if I let this flood of emotion out. I'm afraid if I do, I'll only end up feeling worse. I know my other IRL people would let me down, so I've just been keeping it in. It's getting awfully big and painful. I *leak* a little now and then, but sooner or later the dam is going to break.
Hello
Mine used to talk softly to me when I cried a little bit, and if I started to cry really hard he would ask if I wanted him to sit closer, continue sitting as we were, or if I wanted him to leave the room.Being a clinical psychologist myself ;-) I actually find it quite important to manage to open up your feelings so much that you can cry in front of another person. But I am also aware of that not everyone has a therapist that matches their preferences...
My advice to you would be to try to allow yourself to cry when you are with your therapist... if she doesn't react the way you would prefer, it's probably not because she think that you are crazy or that she doesn't like that you are crying. If you re really brave, confront your therapist with what you feel about her reactions. If your therapist can't handle that you confront her, I wouldn't call her a good therapist. I always try to connect in some way with my patients when they are crying, but the reaction to my aproach (no matter how subtle) is differing in all directions.
Good luck with your therapist.
Posted by Skittles on November 2, 2004, at 20:53:29
In reply to Re: What your T does when you cry?, posted by Crazy_Charlie on November 1, 2004, at 11:05:34
<<and if I started to cry really hard he would ask if I wanted him to sit closer, continue sitting as we were, or if I wanted him to leave the room.>>
What a wonderful thing for him to say, in my oipinion at least. This is so nice. He seems to really want to act in whatever way each client needs, so he lets you choose. How perfectly simple!
I do usually cry most every session. But it's polite crying. A couple of tears here and there. No snot or unattractive facial expressions(sorry if that was too graphic, lol). Maybe I can bring this up with her by talking about the fact that I feel like I'm holding in a lot of emotion.
Posted by Crazy_Charlie on November 3, 2004, at 1:39:49
In reply to Re: What your T does when you cry? » Crazy_Charlie, posted by Skittles on November 2, 2004, at 20:53:29
You know, in my point of view, you are with a therapist to do exactly that.... cry... letting out feelings. Showing anger you don't normally show etc.
My therapist is avery good one (well, was, I had to give him up when I moved). I have been studying clinical psychology myself at the university for several years, I have met so many different psychologists that I knew what to look for when I picked him... so maybe I had an advantage there ;-)
My advice is anyway to be as open to your therapist as possible. He/he is there to NOT be shocked and surprised, you are there to understand your own feelings.
Good luck.
Posted by just plain jane on November 6, 2004, at 23:00:41
In reply to What your T does when you cry?, posted by Skittles on October 25, 2004, at 22:31:15
LOL
Yesterday I saw my Psychiatrist for the second time. I had hoped to have him see what happens to me as the day progresses; to illustrate how the drugs I am on may not be doing the job.
Cute.
I was strung out from two days and nights of minimal sleep of poor quality due to my extreme maternality and the birth of a litter of puppies from our latest addition dog.
I had taken the last puppy, severely runty, from mom to bottle feed and care for, so, since I had no one to take over this responsibility, I took Flash (the runty pup) with me, in my shirt, right up in the bosom region.
Anyway, to the crying thing...
On the way to my appointment I was delayed when I had to pull over and clean the puppy poo out of my cleavage, so I was 15 minutes late and my anxiety (due to not taking my xanax) was real high.
I get in there, I wait for another five minutes, I, who am normally pretty together in "public", pacing back and forth, walking in circles. By the time he comes and takes me to his office I was wrecked, broke down crying at his threshold. Not loud boo hoos, mind you.
I tried explaining about my Celexa & Wellbutrin combo seeming to be losing its efficacy, about not taking Xanax unless I was really bad off, et cetera.
His reaction to my crying?
"I'm going to up your Xanaz to three times a day and I really want you to take it as prescribed."He said that about 5 times, while I'm sitting there explaining real issues despite the tears, my concern on the drugs, the stressors current in my life.
"Take the Xanax regularly," was pretty much all he could say.
I think he was totally overwhelmed by a crying woman.
I asked my T about this when I went to my regular therapy a couple hours later and she verified that he seems to get glazed over when a woman cries in his presence.
No wonder he works in a VA facility where he sees 300 men to 1 woman.
This is the end of the thread.
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