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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on January 4, 2006, at 11:55:54
I read so much here about the hurt of therapy. About attachment. I'm not even sure what it means really.
I don't understand why everybody gets so attached to their T's to the point of pain? Like that in of itself is a reason for therapy. Seems sort of circular to me. Are people supposed to do this? Am I supposed to do this? Is this a particular type of therapy? I don't mean no offense, I just don't understand it. My T is female. She's human and gots flaws all right. And I guess I sort of attached in a way (been going over 1 yr.-weekly). But I won't allow too much attach cuz of what I read here. I don't want that pain. It sounds awful. I don't know much bout T's and people and stuff. Attachment=hurt, thats what it seems? If I get too close to T I get scared.
Thanks for any replies. Hope I made sense. Hope I not offending nobody. I'm in an odd place right now.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on January 4, 2006, at 12:04:24
In reply to ***T-trigger**why get so attached?, posted by muffled on January 4, 2006, at 11:55:54
How do you know how attached you are? or should be? It proly feels good some too I guess? Whats danger signs of too much attach?
Sigh.
Muffled
Posted by sleepygirl on January 4, 2006, at 12:11:38
In reply to ***T-trigger**why get so attached?, posted by muffled on January 4, 2006, at 11:55:54
the problem with attaching is that it brings up all the fears related to it, the fears of disappointment, and then one can become preoccupied with it - then talking about the relationship becomes the work. I don't know sometimes myself (about the pain of it and all), but I suppose it helps build some internal security (hopefully), gives you some perspective on your reactions. The emotion can feel overwhelming on account of not feeling like they are acceptable - it REALLY helps to have a T who can accept them, understand them, and contain them.
Posted by bent on January 4, 2006, at 12:12:50
In reply to ***T-trigger**why get so attached?, posted by muffled on January 4, 2006, at 11:55:54
I wish I knew how I got so attached. It was happening before I realized it. I believe that attachments/transference to a therapist begin on an unconscious level. Its going on before we are aware of it. I often wonder if the intensity of attachment has to do with our pasts. For me, my attachment is very maternal to my T and sometimes I wonder, if I had gotten all that I needed from my mom (love, nurturting, etc.) would I have attached so strongly this way to my T? Would I be seeking that from her if I had gotten it fro my mom? I just dont know.
And I guess it could be the T too and how encouraging or open they are to attachment. My T says she never encourages attachemnt or dependency but if it happens it's ok; maybe neccessary to get through the work ahead.
As for me, I dont think its the attachment that hurts so much (even tho it feels like it) but its the things I long for that I know my T cant give me. I could be totally off the mark on this stuff but those are my thoughts.
Posted by sleepygirl on January 4, 2006, at 12:18:19
In reply to and how much?, posted by muffled on January 4, 2006, at 12:04:24
uhhhhh...this is tough, especially for those of us who didn't really go through the attaching/healthy independence thing smoothly early in life and all.......
Too much attachment???? geez, I don't know, but I suppose recognizing certain boundaries, limitations (despite what we'd like) is necessary albeit painful at times. It's helpful I think to keep OTHER relationships going too (less eggs in one basket)
I don't know muff, it's a tough thing.
Posted by antigua on January 4, 2006, at 12:37:13
In reply to Re: and how much? » muffled, posted by sleepygirl on January 4, 2006, at 12:18:19
"How much" can be as much as you need. It is so painful, I know, but if you can work through it, it can help in real life relationships, but you already know that, I'm sure.
Try to look behind the attachment. When have you ever felt this way before? SOmetimes, and often, it's pre-verbal and/or infantile so it can't be verbalized. That can be so hard. We want what our mothers didn't give us, in many cases, and we want it from our T, and although they can't give it in the same way, they can help you to learn to help yourself. Learning to soothe myself was a really big deal to me. I thought that was all rather silly, but I rock now and it really helps. My daughter gave me a stuffed bear for Christmas and I like to hug that bear!!
My transference w/my T was/is maternal and she has been a good mother to me, but more importantly, she has taught me how to be a good mother. My more painful transference issues are w/men (because of my father) and I'm still working on the pain of that!
Good luck to all of you,
antigua
Posted by muffled on January 4, 2006, at 13:50:34
In reply to Re: ***T-trigger**why get so attached? » muffled, posted by sleepygirl on January 4, 2006, at 12:11:38
> the problem with attaching is that it brings up all the fears related to it, the fears of disappointment, and then one can become preoccupied with it - then talking about the relationship becomes the work. I don't know sometimes myself (about the pain of it and all), but I suppose it helps build some internal security (hopefully), gives you some perspective on your reactions. The emotion can feel overwhelming on account of not feeling like they are acceptable - it REALLY helps to have a T who can accept them, understand them, and contain them.
>
That makes sense. It sounds like its a rare T who really can handle such things. I wonder how much time in training they spend on this prob. It seems a major problem?
Thanks Sleepy
Posted by muffled on January 4, 2006, at 13:54:05
In reply to Re: ***T-trigger**why get so attached? » muffled, posted by bent on January 4, 2006, at 12:12:50
> I wish I knew how I got so attached. It was happening before I realized it. I believe that attachments/transference to a therapist begin on an unconscious level. Its going on before we are aware of it. I often wonder if the intensity of attachment has to do with our pasts. For me, my attachment is very maternal to my T and sometimes I wonder, if I had gotten all that I needed from my mom (love, nurturting, etc.) would I have attached so strongly this way to my T? Would I be seeking that from her if I had gotten it fro my mom? I just dont know.
> And I guess it could be the T too and how encouraging or open they are to attachment. My T says she never encourages attachemnt or dependency but if it happens it's ok; maybe neccessary to get through the work ahead.
> As for me, I dont think its the attachment that hurts so much (even tho it feels like it) but its the things I long for that I know my T cant give me. I could be totally off the mark on this stuff but those are my thoughts.Hi bent, thats a neat name. Any story behind it? Haven't met you before I don't think. Thanks for your reply.
Thats the thing, why should we get attached when they can't even give us what we need? Or maybe they do? Sorry, I'm feeling denser than usu. today.
Posted by muffled on January 4, 2006, at 20:42:22
In reply to Re: and how much?, posted by antigua on January 4, 2006, at 12:37:13
>
> Try to look behind the attachment. When have you ever felt this way before? SOmetimes, and often, it's pre-verbal and/or infantile so it can't be verbalized. That can be so hard. We want what our mothers didn't give us, in many cases, and we want it from our T, and although they can't give it in the same way, they can help you to learn to help yourself. Learning to soothe myself was a really big deal to me. I thought that was all rather silly, but I rock now and it really helps. My daughter gave me a stuffed bear for Christmas and I like to hug that bear!!
***Yeah I gotta work on that. i way better at beating myelf up than soothing myself. Hard to when you figger you not desrving of nuture and that nuture makes you weak.> My transference w/my T was/is maternal and she has been a good mother to me, but more importantly, she has taught me how to be a good mother. My more painful transference issues are w/men (because of my father) and I'm still working on the pain of that!
> Good luck to all of you,
> antigua
***Thanks Antigua. I so want to be a good mother. I'm glad you got a good T who could do that for you, and that you yourself were able to do it.
Take care
Muffled
>
>
Posted by fairywings on January 5, 2006, at 15:27:37
In reply to Re: ***T-trigger**why get so attached? » muffled, posted by bent on January 4, 2006, at 12:12:50
Hi Bent,
I think sometimes attachment comes from having a good T, who sits patiently with you through the all bad stuff, makes you feel secure in the relationship, helps you (re)gain a sense of value or whatever you're working through, is mostly kind, helpful, and caring.....it's hard not to attach to someone like that. I love it/hate it, and look forward to being able to give that to myself instead of looking for someone else to give it to me. But since I'm in therapy I want to be able to feel what I feel, which is attached. Unfortunately for me that causes embarrassment, I guess from never allowing myself that, so I can't show or express the attachment. Ah, just one more thing to work through. Sh*t!
fw
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