![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 26. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 19, 2007, at 15:08:30
I posted a long one way back on April 18th. Buried somewhere in the middle of an unrelated rant was the concern that I was actually a bipole not a unipole. (I'm NOT a unicorn. This much is clear)
pdoc had his concerns and put me on lamictal. T reassured me at the time that she and pdoc would continue to treat my symptoms as they came up. ptsd being the main facet of my diagnosis.
Now I have a different T, and I've gradually started warming to the idea that I'm back in therapy again. I have a new pdoc too. new pdoc got my charts from old pdoc, new pdoc consulted with the new T, the quieT, and somewhere in the middle of my last session (somewhere in between taking extra antipsychotics during an "episode" and me wondering why he was so happy?) he suggested that I read "An unquiet mind".
Feeling all smug I waved my hand rolled my eyes. oh, I know THAT story. whatever. Then of course I find a bookstore on my vacation and I read the whole book in a sitting.
Earmarking pages "hey that sounds like me :( "I found an awful lot of earmarks. Never really thought about my hyperhappies or my agitated swingies as part of the whole picture. Dismissed them as "side effects" of life or medication.
And my response to lamictal (positive, I think).
leave me scratching my head. who's afraid to dx me? Why didn't anyone ever tell me that these "episodes" or whatnot are consistent with psychosis? How come *I* didn't notice, who had been so quick to admit that brother is a bipole and dad probably too. and on my mom's side...
Now I don't know what to do. Do I pretend to live my inane little life, being treated for some disease that I'm not even sure I have? Do I have the guts to actually question one of my doctors? Can I handle whatever they have to tell me, as I make myself vulnerable to the answer to my question?
I'm stumped. On the one side is tormented ignorance, on the other side is this ...sentence...
I know what it feels like to lose my mind. And the torture of trying to find it again. the uncertainty and the self-hatred and paralyzing fears.
I know that people (on this board and people I know IRL) have bipolar disorder and do very well. Some people are even professors of psychiatry at Johns Hopkins, apparently.
And I've probably mildly offended dozens of you, and possibly wounded many too.
Just kick me. this is a lose-lose.
Posted by MidnightBlue on July 19, 2007, at 15:53:37
In reply to Self-Delusion and losing my mind, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 19, 2007, at 15:08:30
LL,
This is not a lose, lose and YOU are not a lose, lose. I have been concerned about you. Bipolar is only a word. You need to treat the symptoms. And if the symptoms tip to bipolar, then they tip to bipolar.
I have read that book. I have feared that diagnosis for myself and for others in my family. So far, I think I am not on the bipolar spectrum. Think is the operative word. Most of my docs have not thought I was bipolar. One or two did question. I have a couple of family members who will never go to the doctor who I really question!
Why can't you be the genius you are and bipolar, too? Of course you can! A diagnosis is just a way to bill the insurance company and try to figure out the right meds. If bipolar meds work for you, that is wonderful! Embrace them.
Hugs,
MidnightBlue
Posted by Maria01 on July 19, 2007, at 16:21:56
In reply to Self-Delusion and losing my mind, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 19, 2007, at 15:08:30
I'm hesistant to use labels for myself, because I'm much more than a lable. I'm unipolar, and it can easily be confused with bipolar. A lot of diagnoses can be confused as others, that's why I take it with a grain of salt. As others have said, it's just a means for billing insurance.
It's not a lose-lose situation. You are much more than a label. I am "recovering" from 18 mos. worth of work with an intern who probably gave me every label in the book. What helps me is telling myself my other "Labels": Student, business owner, pet owner, animal lover, friend, girlfriend, etc.
Regardless of whatever your dx is, if you are responding well to meds intended for bipolar, than that's all you need to worry about. Doesn't mean you are tied to that dx forever. A good, honest pdoc and/or T will tell you that diagnosing is an inexact science on a good day.
Don't let the labels get you down....
Posted by Dinah on July 19, 2007, at 17:27:29
In reply to Self-Delusion and losing my mind, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 19, 2007, at 15:08:30
It's a very wide spectrum. And even if someone does put you on it somewhere, it's just a way of organizing your symptoms so that you and your health care team can get a better grasp on a good course of action. You are still the same person you were the day before, and the day before that.
I don't think you can read one or even many stories about bipolar, and think that if you are given that diagnosis, you are like them. It is just too wide a net, catching too many very different people.
I could be considered somewhere on that spectrum. My former pdoc preferred to use the term cyclothymia, but there's no doubt that some meds threw me into hypomania. I've never been manic, I don't think. And lack of sleep can also catapult me there. If I'm on antidepressants, there is no question but that I tolerate them better with a sprinkle of mood stabilizer.
To me, that's all it means.
Posted by muffled on July 19, 2007, at 18:04:34
In reply to Self-Delusion and losing my mind, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 19, 2007, at 15:08:30
Ahh LL you just the same. We all got our 'stuff', and as long as whatever is going on responds to treatment, then thats good. Sucks totally in many ways of course, but workable. Life CAN be OK.
Manoman, you got some real good answers there above.
So true.
So I won't repeat them.
You just same ol LL to me.
Glad you posted.
Missed ya.
You take care eh.
I kinda all FUp myself some right now. I too wonder similiar things bout myself :-( as you do.
Just will deal with whatever sh*t life sends me I suppose.
Hope you can keep in touch.
Visit if you up my way.
I away July 25-Aug 10 approx...so don't come then!
Our hubbies can bond in some strange asian way! LOL.
Take care OK?
Muffled
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 19, 2007, at 20:07:28
In reply to Re: Self-Delusion and losing my mind » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by muffled on July 19, 2007, at 18:04:34
Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful responses.
I'm really really unstable right now. I feel full-on death-inspiring depression at the merest thought of the "dark side". I've been extremely irritable. I chopped a bunch of wood while camping to deal with these happy little kids who were playing across the street. Chop Chop Chop. I felt it was good practice.
And I had to cancel the trip that I had planned in 4 days. Had to call grandmom and grandpa and tell them about my psych disorder. What prompted this change in plans?
I came "home" from vacation and realized that there is no home for me. No place to call me home. No familiar spot. No familiar faces. Just this house with open windows and lots of smiley happy caucasian neighbors (used to live in african-american neighborhood) and their kids seem so privileged and well-adjusted. And I feel like this freak invader. Alien species. Painted my fingernails this burgundy shade bordering on black. found the familiar instrument of self-injury. took a little swipe. maybe some more later.
Took extra doses of everything in my arsenal
can't feel at home
-my moods feel foreign and unpredictable
-the demands placed on my person are unusual and not practiced
-terminated with my former T still working on that
-haven't felt comfy talking about any hard stuff with the quieT
-not used to husband being around. There is some comfort in going bonkers alone. At least I'm not bringing anyone down with me
-not used to husband leaving me alone here to fulfill his job requirements
-how I long for Chicago. My den of insanity and routines. riding the bus to my favorite cafe. Friends on my voice dial.
-no friends here. concerned that I'm not good "friendship material" right now. who would I ask to be on my suicide watch?
-I'm off my rocker. convinced of it. catatonic drugged out for large portions of the day. souped-up agitated anxious for the rest of the day.tomorrow I see pdoc and T in quick succession. I don't know what's going to happen. If I'm brave I'll ask for extra session with T, since I've cancelled my trip.
bipolar aside, there are plenty of opportunities to fall over the edge from eccentric to reckless to psychotic. I fall too often. too quickly.
maybe I get some fast-acting benzos. I'm already at a high dose with the antipsychotics and with the mood stabilizers. Seems like there's nowhere else to go. but down.
curses
Posted by OzLand on July 19, 2007, at 20:40:10
In reply to losing my mind ***si triggers***, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 19, 2007, at 20:07:28
I am really sorry that the "diagnosis" has thrown you over the edge because a diagnosis is just a diagnosis. You are you, not a diagnostic category.
I have had so many diagnoses over the years I am not sure I can count them all. From the time I was age 18 to the present I have been diagnosed as Schizophrenic (that was fun) with all sorts of add ons like chronic, undifferentiated. Those were the old state hospital backward schizophrenics. I have been diagnosed with depression of varying degrees, borderline personality disorder, dissociative disorders, eating disorder, but never bipolar but it was questioned at one hospitals psych dept that I will never returne to again, the ECT hospital.
For one thing, bipolar is the new fad diagnosis right now; lots of people are now being diagnosed as bipolar. Are they really bipolar or are they BPD or dissociative disorder, etc etc.
When I was at Menninger's my pdoc laughed about all the diagnoses I had been given over the time before I landed in what came to be the best psychiatric hospital in the U.S. (only #7 now). Anyway, even later my pdoc at Menningers told me I was likely misdiagnosed there as well because they did not know that much about the varios dissociative disorders back in the early 80's. So, back then I at least got to get rid of the diagnosis of Schizophrenia but ended up with Borderline Personality Disorder and Major Depression. Later, I was told that I likely was not BPD after all, that I had dissociative identity disorder that I have worked on (and now the part I left behind--dealing with the csa more thouroughly). Anyway, what worked for me then was to add lithium to my antidepressant medication.
Even now my analyst wants me to think more seriously about lithium and a small dose of Abilify. He is an expert on bipolar disorder and does not think I am bipolar. HE is also expert in csa and eating disorders. I cannot tell you how thankful I am to finally have the right therapist now that I am back in my home state.
Bottom line; maybe you are and maybe you are not bipolar. At the least you do seem to have the affective instabiliy that many people have who have abuse in their background (and I mean abuse of any sort). I hope you can step back and see that this really is just a name for how you seem now.
Posted by muffled on July 19, 2007, at 21:57:13
In reply to losing my mind ***si triggers***, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 19, 2007, at 20:07:28
LL you've had MANY changes in the last whiles.
MANY.
Course you freaked some. Try and give yourself a bit of a break.
Can you make a new safe place in your house or yard?
Can you come to my non stimulating cave? Where its warm quiet, dim, safe. You can breath there, good air there.Its mostly a place of nothingness, where you can tone down, and even if you kinda dissoced out, its OK there, its a good place to be.
I don't fit in in my neighborhood really either, so I just keep to myself.
Just try and remember, that you got good backing w/p-doc etc, that you've made it thru crazy times before, and you can again, cuz this WILL pass, the intensity will ease.
Can you call your old T at all?or mebbe thats not kosher?
You can learn coping stuff, if I the dumbo can, you will too. You can get your meds tweaked to what works best for you. Some measure of peace will eventually return.
If stuff gets too hard, have you checked re: which hosps are best round there? Sometimes, if its any decent hosp, well, its a break to stabilize meds. Sorta a safe zone too in some ways...
Oz got good things to say.
You take care.
I can sit beside you in the cave, if you don't wanto be alone. We can just sit and know its OK, just for now, its OK. We are OK.
Then if you can be calmer, we can go to the mossy place by the stream (its very safe there too, cuz I made it up(T helped) and I don't let no bad in there EVER)we can play on the moss, and look for friendly critters like frogs and stuff. We can make dams in the stream, and float sticks on it too. Maybe make leaf boats too.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 20, 2007, at 6:59:45
In reply to Re: Self-Delusion and losing my mind » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by MidnightBlue on July 19, 2007, at 15:53:37
> LL,
>
> This is not a lose, lose and YOU are not a lose, lose. I have been concerned about you. Bipolar is only a word. You need to treat the symptoms. And if the symptoms tip to bipolar, then they tip to bipolar.
>MB, it means so much that you remember me enough to be concerned about me. I don't even remember myself most days.
> I have read that book. I have feared that diagnosis for myself and for others in my family. So far, I think I am not on the bipolar spectrum. Think is the operative word. Most of my docs have not thought I was bipolar. One or two did question. I have a couple of family members who will never go to the doctor who I really question!
>
> Why can't you be the genius you are and bipolar, too? Of course you can! A diagnosis is just a way to bill the insurance company and try to figure out the right meds. If bipolar meds work for you, that is wonderful! Embrace them.
>
> Hugs,
> MidnightBlue
thanks for hugs (sniffle) and can I really be a genius? My mind feels so completely broken down. rusted out old heap.but thanks for your caring- it really helps
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 20, 2007, at 7:02:45
In reply to Re: Self-Delusion and losing my mind, posted by Maria01 on July 19, 2007, at 16:21:56
Nice to meet you Maria,
I've read some of your posts, but I don't think I've ever responded. Thanks for listening to me> I'm hesistant to use labels for myself, because I'm much more than a lable. I'm unipolar, and it can easily be confused with bipolar. A lot of diagnoses can be confused as others, that's why I take it with a grain of salt. As others have said, it's just a means for billing insurance.
>
yeah, but it just adds so much stigma to an already questioned identity.> It's not a lose-lose situation. You are much more than a label. I am "recovering" from 18 mos. worth of work with an intern who probably gave me every label in the book. What helps me is telling myself my other "Labels": Student, business owner, pet owner, animal lover, friend, girlfriend, etc.
>
I'm a LlurpsieNoodle> Regardless of whatever your dx is, if you are responding well to meds intended for bipolar, than that's all you need to worry about. Doesn't mean you are tied to that dx forever. A good, honest pdoc and/or T will tell you that diagnosing is an inexact science on a good day.
>
I know. I've had really good T's and pdocs on my case since I first sought treatment and they still don't all agree with each other. but the symptoms we all agree on. I guess that's something...> Don't let the labels get you down....
thanks for your kindness,
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 20, 2007, at 9:14:12
In reply to Re: Self-Delusion and losing my mind » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by Dinah on July 19, 2007, at 17:27:29
> It's a very wide spectrum. And even if someone does put you on it somewhere, it's just a way of organizing your symptoms so that you and your health care team can get a better grasp on a good course of action. You are still the same person you were the day before, and the day before that.
>
> I don't think you can read one or even many stories about bipolar, and think that if you are given that diagnosis, you are like them. It is just too wide a net, catching too many very different people.
>
yes. some of the stories are tragic, and some are triumphant. I just wonder what my story is> I could be considered somewhere on that spectrum. My former pdoc preferred to use the term cyclothymia, but there's no doubt that some meds threw me into hypomania. I've never been manic, I don't think. And lack of sleep can also catapult me there. If I'm on antidepressants, there is no question but that I tolerate them better with a sprinkle of mood stabilizer.
>
umm wellbutrin was a disaster for me. 23 hours a day of hyped-up nausea. Lack of sleep, same as you. In fact, I think that most of my dissertation was written in a state of agitated insomniac mixed-episodeness. Or maybe it's just the insanity of the institution?> To me, that's all it means.
I wish life were as easy as babble sometimes. People say thoughtful things, and don't communicate their disappointment or disgust of my personage. Thanks, Dinah
-Ll
Posted by Llurpsienoodle on July 20, 2007, at 9:23:01
In reply to Re: Self-Delusion and losing my mind » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by muffled on July 19, 2007, at 18:04:34
> Ahh LL you just the same. We all got our 'stuff', and as long as whatever is going on responds to treatment, then thats good. Sucks totally in many ways of course, but workable. Life CAN be OK.
> Manoman, you got some real good answers there above.
> So true.yeah. I'm lucky llurpsie sometimes. wise counsel.
> So I won't repeat them.
> You just same ol LL to me.
> Glad you posted.
> Missed ya.
> You take care eh.I'm trying REALLY hard to take care. Had to do some drastic reorganization of my summer plans. But I did it, and the world (hasn't yet) didn't come crashing down. I'm glad I posted too...
> I kinda all FUp myself some right now. I too wonder similiar things bout myself :-( as you do.
> Just will deal with whatever sh*t life sends me I suppose.muffled, I wouldn't wish this agony on my worst enemy. You have my sincerest empathy when it comes to the self-doubts about being crazy and fundamentally flawed as a person. But you seem to see through my bad stuff, and I never once doubted your essence of goodness. So take THAT evil villain of moody instability and psychoses!
> Hope you can keep in touch.
> Visit if you up my way.
> I away July 25-Aug 10 approx...so don't come then!
> Our hubbies can bond in some strange asian way! LOL.oh, like eating strange organ meats with gusto? Given the choice of bizarre fare, I prefer raw meat over insects over organ meats. ewww! crunch. Ahh the things I have to deal with sometimes.
You know I'd love to visit you. I suspect that we both like camping and outdoorsy stuff. I like a hot (warm) shower every 3 days at the bare minimum though... Not much of a beach fan, unless it's by dark... oooooh romantic llurpsie...
> Take care OK?
> Muffled
>hey, you take care too. It's kind of soothing to have a compatriot to support even in the midst of all the upheaval. You're important to me awwww. sniff sniff
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 20, 2007, at 9:36:34
In reply to Re: losing my mind ***si triggers*** » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by OzLand on July 19, 2007, at 20:40:10
> I am really sorry that the "diagnosis" has thrown you over the edge because a diagnosis is just a diagnosis. You are you, not a diagnostic category.
I know, but so much of my existence has been taken over by demons. I want to know who my demons are, and how they are planning to attack me, and how scary they are.
>
> I have had so many diagnoses over the years I am not sure I can count them all. From the time I was age 18 to the present I have been diagnosed as Schizophrenic (that was fun) with all sorts of add ons like chronic, undifferentiated. Those were the old state hospital backward schizophrenics. I have been diagnosed with depression of varying degrees, borderline personality disorder, dissociative disorders, eating disorder, but never bipolar but it was questioned at one hospitals psych dept that I will never returne to again, the ECT hospital.
>
Yeah, the hospital picked up on my family history and kind of went from there. disputes between 2 different attending physicians somehow led to me being Rx'ed wellbutrin, which was an unmitigated disaster. wtf? docs at the hospital then communicated to my pdoc who summarized the whole episode succinctly "clearly wellbutrin is not your friend" but then raised some doubts a week later, when he said that hospital was debating about whether you meet dx criteria for bipolar II. Runs in families, etc. apparently most people don't write a dissertation in 3 weeks... etc.> For one thing, bipolar is the new fad diagnosis right now; lots of people are now being diagnosed as bipolar. Are they really bipolar or are they BPD or dissociative disorder, etc etc.
yeah. categories are blurry. symptoms change and belong in many different categories.
>
> When I was at Menninger's my pdoc laughed about all the diagnoses I had been given over the time before I landed in what came to be the best psychiatric hospital in the U.S. (only #7 now). Anyway, even later my pdoc at Menningers told me I was likely misdiagnosed there as well because they did not know that much about the varios dissociative disorders back in the early 80's. So, back then I at least got to get rid of the diagnosis of Schizophrenia but ended up with Borderline Personality Disorder and Major Depression. Later, I was told that I likely was not BPD after all, that I had dissociative identity disorder that I have worked on (and now the part I left behind--dealing with the csa more thouroughly). Anyway, what worked for me then was to add lithium to my antidepressant medication.
>
> Even now my analyst wants me to think more seriously about lithium and a small dose of Abilify. He is an expert on bipolar disorder and does not think I am bipolar. HE is also expert in csa and eating disorders. I cannot tell you how thankful I am to finally have the right therapist now that I am back in my home state.I'm so glad for you Ozland. It's really hard to fight against a system that seems to want you to crash and burn. As if struggling with our illnesses is not enough. Today I found out that my insurance is STILL not covering my therapy for the last 6 mos (3500 dollars) and that my little weekend holiday on the ward cost 14,000 to somebody. my bill? to be determined. frightening.
>
> Bottom line; maybe you are and maybe you are not bipolar. At the least you do seem to have the affective instabiliy that many people have who have abuse in their background (and I mean abuse of any sort). I hope you can step back and see that this really is just a name for how you seem now.And I don't even want to consider the abuse in my background. I don't want to talk about it, think about it, analyse it, admit it. I'm DONE. sealed records. i was wondering last night why I have such a quiet psychosis... and then it comes back to me. the need to be quiet and hide at all costs for self-preservation. I guess I better tell my T. I'm such a good actress. I can be screaming raving on the inside and meek and gentle on the outside. to a point.
Thanks for your reply OzLand. I wish you continuing progress and hope for a remission in your symptoms and recovery of your short-term memory. I still dunno when mine will return. I can't recognize faces, and I can't remember names, or places. Stories and episodes from mere days ago are hiding in a dense fog. maybe it's protective. I keep on reading the same books over and over again, though. With this prescience... uh oh. tragedy on the next page. In many ways my life feels like that too.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 20, 2007, at 9:53:23
In reply to Its OK » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by muffled on July 19, 2007, at 21:57:13
> LL you've had MANY changes in the last whiles.
> MANY.
> Course you freaked some. Try and give yourself a bit of a break.
> Can you make a new safe place in your house or yard?I'm trying so hard. I put a rocking chair into a nook and bought a fluffy sheepskin rug for the floor. put in a bookshelf. hung a picture on the wall. I'm too agitated to sit, for the most part. I wonder down to the pond sometimes, past the fetid pond weed section and on to the part with clear water and less weed. Sometimes I think about bringing a rake and clearing up all the fallen pond weeds that obscure the path. Maybe I can draw little zen garden ripples in the path. But these are mere dreams. I think I will take a little sketchbook out to the pond and start sketching a bit. I would love to find my watercolor supplies and clear off a tabletop and make a miniature watercolor every morning after coffee. layers of pale washes and leaving white spots and finally the dark intensities. erasing the pencil marks. First I have to learn to draw again. I discovered in the hospital that I can still draw and paint. That's about the only therapy that was offered.
> Can you come to my non stimulating cave? Where its warm quiet, dim, safe. You can breath there, good air there.Its mostly a place of nothingness, where you can tone down, and even if you kinda dissoced out, its OK there, its a good place to be.
I will go there when I remember to. Sometimes I have to leave because my insides are too much of a ruckus. Don't want to disturb the energy.
> I don't fit in in my neighborhood really either, so I just keep to myself.
oh
> Just try and remember, that you got good backing w/p-doc etc, that you've made it thru crazy times before, and you can again, cuz this WILL pass, the intensity will ease.
> Can you call your old T at all?or mebbe thats not kosher?:'( I HAVE to call her regarding insurance and many thousands of dollars that I owe her. She sounded genuinely concerned in her voicemail that I shouldn't have to deal with this. business is business, though.
> You can learn coping stuff, if I the dumbo can, you will too. You can get your meds tweaked to what works best for you. Some measure of peace will eventually return.
I hope you're right. But other times I don't want to get better. The illness is this seductive voice that wants to pull me in to madness. Doesn't want help. Wants evil. Wants suffering. Wants to destroy everything that I've worked to create. Scary sometimes. Even scarier that I don't always recognize the normal consciousness from this sick seduction.
> If stuff gets too hard, have you checked re: which hosps are best round there? Sometimes, if its any decent hosp, well, its a break to stabilize meds. Sorta a safe zone too in some ways...
I want to stay out of the hospital. If therapist or pdoc brings it up, I might consider it. otherwise, not for me. Besides, in the US, one has to basically be willing to kill oneself to be admitted. If I ever need a break like that again, I'm going to check myself into a nice hotel with clean white sheets. order room service. It will be cheaper, and I'll bring some CBT stuff to keep me busy. And some artwork supplies.
> Oz got good things to say.
yeah. she's a smartie :)
you got good things to say too.> You take care.
> I can sit beside you in the cave, if you don't wanto be alone. We can just sit and know its OK, just for now, its OK. We are OK.
> Then if you can be calmer, we can go to the mossy place by the stream (its very safe there too, cuz I made it up(T helped) and I don't let no bad in there EVER)we can play on the moss, and look for friendly critters like frogs and stuff. We can make dams in the stream, and float sticks on it too. Maybe make leaf boats too.Would you mind sitting with me? I'm the worst when I'm all alone with nothing but my spinning mind. knowing you're there would help me breathe.
I know the place by the stream. When I was younger, I lived near one, it was on the other side of the woods. I could escape (had secret routes that went under the street through the drainage ditches) and there were violets that bloomed there. I'd make a chain. absentminded, and stick my feet in. When I was feeling better, I'd pick a handful for my mom. It made her happy. The moss is soft. like my sheepskin rug. hmm
-Ll
Posted by jammerlich on July 20, 2007, at 10:14:18
In reply to Re: Self-Delusion and losing my mind » Dinah, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 20, 2007, at 9:14:12
>>>>I wish life were as easy as babble sometimes. People say thoughtful things, and don't communicate their disappointment or disgust of my personage.
Ms. Noodle, dear, people aren't secretly hiding disappointment or disgust in you. Nobody communicates those things because nobody feels them.
Posted by muffled on July 20, 2007, at 10:30:46
In reply to Re: Self-Delusion and losing my mind » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by jammerlich on July 20, 2007, at 10:14:18
We ALL got our sh*t.
THX for putting up w/ME and my erraticness.
We DO care bout you LL, cuz we like YOU, ALLA you.
M
Posted by Phillipa on July 20, 2007, at 12:00:33
In reply to Yup I w/Jammer, ((LL))is friend, no bad., posted by muffled on July 20, 2007, at 10:30:46
Lurpsie just saw this I'm truly sorry your're have such a hard time. Well look what you've accomphished and will do it again. Love Phillipa
Posted by Honore on July 20, 2007, at 13:05:36
In reply to Self-Delusion and losing my mind, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 19, 2007, at 15:08:30
Llurpsie, you aren't losing your mind; you aren't a loser-- gosh how can you say that about a friend of mine? someone who always makes sense, and is really a good person, and is working so hard at making a worthwhile life?
It must be that Montana air- much too healthy and no particulates, and you haven't adapted to being able to breathe. Or maybe the dislocation, and uncertainty of taking this next, unknown step, into the next phase of your life.
I used to think I was losing my mind, too. I read all sorts of books on madness and insanity and psychosis, and noticed all the similarities between me and the people who populated them-- and to the theories and general remarks of the authors.
No one who makes as much sense as you always do-- who has so much to say-- and whose struggles are so meaningful-- can be losing their mind. That's what I finally realized after all that reading. Similarities are everywhere to be noticed-- and they can be terrifying, and they can rise up and seem to suggest that you're the same or about to become the same as some fearful thing, but they don't constitute a parallel or real identity.
Maybe in all this discontinuity and self-doubt, you can remember that these things sometimes come in swarms and overwhelm us-- and cause us to ask really scary questions and to have scary thoughts. But you do have a solid core-- one that can be felt in everything you write--that's not going to abandon you.
Honore
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 20, 2007, at 13:56:30
In reply to Re: Self-Delusion and losing my mind » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by Honore on July 20, 2007, at 13:05:36
You are so kind honore. I don't know what I did to deserve such a clever friend. I'm glad that others see my solid core. I try hard to have a solid exterior, despite core meltdown. Despite the non-linearity of my conscious experience.
My T told me today that I am very poised. Meaning (i think) that I'm very aware of the way I present myself to others. I will post more about that session later, to the dismay of anyone admiring succinctness.
The inside screams "let me out" and "shut up they're watching you" and when eyes are closed gruesome scenes appear in rapid succession like a powerpoint slide show advancing at 1.5 Hz. and the little whispers and creepycrawlies from the corners of the periphery.
apprehending reality is tenuous. fragile.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 20, 2007, at 13:59:07
In reply to Re: Self-Delusion and losing my mind » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by jammerlich on July 20, 2007, at 10:14:18
> >>>>I wish life were as easy as babble sometimes. People say thoughtful things, and don't communicate their disappointment or disgust of my personage.
>
> Ms. Noodle, dear, people aren't secretly hiding disappointment or disgust in you. Nobody communicates those things because nobody feels them.
>
>
I really hope you're right. I don't mind being characterized as bonkers as long as my ideas are respected and I'm not dismissed.
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 20, 2007, at 14:00:36
In reply to Re: Yup I w/Jammer, ((LL))is friend, no bad., posted by Phillipa on July 20, 2007, at 12:00:33
> Lurpsie just saw this I'm truly sorry your're have such a hard time. Well look what you've accomphished and will do it again. Love Phillipa
Thanks Phillipa,
I just worry that I've had such success and wasted it all... I hope my next chapter is okay. I'm just scared to start writing it.-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 20, 2007, at 14:22:02
In reply to Yup I w/Jammer, ((LL))is friend, no bad., posted by muffled on July 20, 2007, at 10:30:46
I just saw T and pdoc back to back (they're in the same building).
I want to apologize in advance for my long postings here and elsewhere. I feel like babble is my anchor. I don't have any friends here at the pond yet. Met some ladies, but these things take some time. Plus, they're my mom's age. Not exactly the kind of person I'd drag to H&M to buy headbands with. When I look away from the computer screen I'm confronted with boxes. Things to put away, and where? Even my husband is unavailable. Went away overnight for a funeral. So I'm at this place "home?" alone.
Anyways. pdoc appt. was 10 minutes. I tried to be honest with him about the mood swings and the suicidal thoughts and the paranoia and the violence I took out on many unsuspecting logs with my axe while camping. (on this last point, pdoc said "exercise, good for you" I clarified- actually I felt rage and really good to be destroying something "hmm..." no reaction.) pdoc is mute. nods sometimes. looks at me sometimes. I'm nervous. Given up on asking for abilify. I'll settle for sedated and stable at this point. So pdoc upped my dosage on the antipsychotic. I got SIX Rx's and an appt for 8 weeks from now. huh? 8 weeks? is that what it's like in the real world? pdoc did ask me several time if I was going to my therapy appts. (yes) and I guess that's why he decided to make it so long. I tried to steer him towards a faster-acting benzo. Instead he upped my clonazepam. Now I take 2 tablets every day. not prn. My concern that I'd be walking around in a sedated stupor. His answer: I'd get used to it. Hell. maybe I will. I got used to seroquel stupor. Frankly I think he WANTS me in a sedated stupor so that I won't do anything rash.
On to T. (they're in the same building, so it was like changing classes in high school). This was a good session. The highlights 1) T did NOT tell me to "surf through my moods" again. He recognized them as real reactions to real stressors and told me that I need to follow my instincts and avoid things that will overwhelm my sensitivities. 2) I told him in detail about the events of the past 8 days. The wood chopping. The severely depressed downswing. The mountain climbing and bike riding. The good the bad and the chopping. I told him I was really concerned that I was losing my mind. He told me that I was in a very difficult place right now and that once I find my niche things will start to settle down. 3) I told him about how my dosages were changed. I was kind of curious- why do I take such high doses of everything? He joked, maybe it's because you scare the crap out of your psychiatrists. hmm, I retorted. I'm not scary. (silently wondering- what has he heard about me from my old T and the pdocs?)
Good session. I told him the truth about the wild moods of the last week, and he agreed with me about cancelling my upcoming trip. Set up about a dozen appt.s with me. I even had the guts to ask him if I could call him after hours. He said "of course you can". And set up contingency plan for when he goes out of town in August. Well, the beginnings of contingency plan. I think I should warn him about what happened last time my T went out of town.
I like my T. He seems like a good guy. sense of humor and decent. Doesn't look like an ogre either.
okay, that's my report of T today.
-Ll
Posted by muffled on July 20, 2007, at 14:49:01
In reply to what pdoc and T had to say **triggers**, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 20, 2007, at 14:22:02
LL , I love to read your writings, it NOT too much AT ALL.
Thats what I didn't like bout another website I checked out, all the stuff was too short, no beef, just fast food. So I like your posts, I think they are good, and I think they help others (incl me!), and I bet there's lurkers that are helped as well.
So don't worry bout too much writing. I have learned lots from you.
Post away!
And boxes, getting stuff done....its a struggle for me. BIG one, I just get overwhelmed. I tried to get T to hold me accountable to get stuff done, but she gave me sheets and talked bout managable chunk of stuff etc....but here I am, getting nothing done....WHY???? I am SUCH an idiot.
Hmmmm. I reserve judgement on your p-doc yet....we'll see...
Your T however sounds lovely. And yes, it'd be good to be straight w/him. Thats good your making a contingency plan, you already got plenty on your plate.
So do you feel like T is 'hearing' you, and 'getting' what your telling him? Does he seem to understand the intensity? Sometimes, cuz I am SO contained at T, well, I feel like my T didn't 'get' it, the intensity of 'stuff'. Course if I said, or more likely wrote, bout it, I proly didn't express it very well.
So thanks for your T report. How often do you see him? And what IS the contingency plan to date?
(((LL)))
Muffled
Posted by muffled on July 20, 2007, at 15:05:09
In reply to Re: Its OK » muffled, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 20, 2007, at 9:53:23
> I'm trying so hard. I put a rocking chair into a nook and bought a fluffy sheepskin rug for the floor. put in a bookshelf. hung a picture on the wall. I'm too agitated to sit, for the most part.**good that you trying. And mebbe w/time it will be better.
Yeah, sometimes, I used to walk for many many miles...>I wonder down to the pond sometimes, past the fetid pond weed section and on to the part with clear water and less weed. Sometimes I think about bringing a rake and clearing up all the fallen pond weeds that obscure the path. Maybe I can draw little zen garden ripples in the path. But these are mere dreams.
**maybe dreams...maybe not..
>I think I will take a little sketchbook out to the pond and start sketching a bit.
**Oooohhh, now that sounds WAY cool!
> I will go there when I remember to. Sometimes I have to leave because my insides are too much of a ruckus. Don't want to disturb the energy.**S'ok, come when you can.
> > I don't fit in in my neighborhood really either, so I just keep to myself.
>
> oh**yeah, I walked past this guy behind a store w/my kids, he was wacking off rather enthusiastically, I tried to block my dotters view as best I could, she says 'whats he doing?', I say 'well, he sure as hell ain't pissing...!'LOL! So thats why I don't fit in, I kinda rough edged, and its a nice neighborhood...
> :'( I HAVE to call her regarding insurance and many thousands of dollars that I owe her. She sounded genuinely concerned in her voicemail that I shouldn't have to deal with this. business is business, though.
**:-( Now that seriously sucks :-( Does she talk to you at all, or is it all business?
>I hope you're right. But other times I don't want to get better. The illness is this seductive voice that wants to pull me in to madness. Doesn't want help. Wants evil. Wants suffering. Wants to destroy everything that I've worked to create. Scary sometimes. Even scarier that I don't always recognize the normal consciousness from this sick seduction.
**Yeah, that would be an interesting topic. It has been somewhat discussed before. Its a weird thing. I have a part that wants to destroy me.
> I want to stay out of the hospital. If therapist or pdoc brings it up, I might consider it. otherwise, not for me. Besides, in the US, one has to basically be willing to kill oneself to be admitted. If I ever need a break like that again, I'm going to check myself into a nice hotel with clean white sheets. order room service. It will be cheaper, and I'll bring some CBT stuff to keep me busy. And some artwork supplies.
**Yeah...you have a good idea there...Its hard to get in in Canada too.
> Would you mind sitting with me? I'm the worst when I'm all alone with nothing but my spinning mind. knowing you're there would help me breathe.
**Yup I can sit, thats where cave is good, there's little stimulation, and my brain does seem to slow down some. And the air in the cave is warm and fresh.
> I know the place by the stream. When I was younger, I lived near one, it was on the other side of the woods. I could escape (had secret routes that went under the street through the drainage ditches) and there were violets that bloomed there. I'd make a chain. absentminded, and stick my feet in. When I was feeling better, I'd pick a handful for my mom. It made her happy. The moss is soft. like my sheepskin rug. hmm**Oh! Nice stream story!!!!!!!!!!!! Secret routes!!!!!!!!! WAY cool!! Mebbe I can borrow YOUR stream story cuz I REALLY like it!!!
Thanks,
Muffled
Posted by scratchpad on July 20, 2007, at 15:39:12
In reply to what pdoc and T had to say **triggers**, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 20, 2007, at 14:22:02
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now. From what I can gather, 8-week intervals are "normal" (ha ha) for pdoc appointments, though I found with my last pdoc that it also meant that his office was NOT well set up for a crisis. So, you might want to call your pdoc's office and just ask, what do I do if I need to get in quickly - can they accommodate you? This would help to settle your mind on that matter, at least.
As for a diagnosis of bipolar, I am of several minds on that. (Just try to stop my puns, it ain't gonna happen today.) "An Unquiet Mind" was the first book I ever read on a mental illness after being dx'd. I remember turning the pages and thinking, "there I am again!" over and over and actually feeling reassured. That what I'd been going through had a name.
Well, I'm over that now.
I've met other people on the bipolar spectrum and now think that my dx is important maybe for the insurance company, but it isn't really for me. My medications have changed so much since being pronounced "mildly bipolar II", and at the moment I'm not on a mood stabilizer even, that I just have to shake my head and go for what works for me medication-wise rather than what the label says the medication is for, you know?
Also, if it's the lifetime-label of bipolar that's distressing you, would you feel differently if you thought of it as chronic illness? When my T and I talked about this - the sickness label - I found that when it came down to it, I wasn't concerned as much about what my illness was called so much as knowing that I'll be getting treated for it probably for the rest of my life. That it was a chronic illness that wasn't my fault, even though at its worst, it tells me that it is my fault. (Illness is such a liar.)You have probably heard this from others, but please, please, don't be too hard on yourself right now. Freshly moved, fresh out of school, fresh in a new neighbourhood and out of your element; there is a lot to shake you up right now. I know its sounds like your doctor wants to zonk you out on your medications at the moment, but give them time to work. I'm freshly zonked myself.
take good care,
ScratchpadYour reading corner with its rug sounds lovely.
Go forward in thread:
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.