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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 50. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 22, 2007, at 14:28:29
dunno what's happening to me. my mind is shutting down. too much anti-psychotics and stress? Like a thick white blanket. obliterating memories from only a few days ago. Who did I tell what? Where am I going. Where have I been?
I close my eyes but do not sleep. and the images are tempting to call dreams but they're not. Out of my body. examining cold corners of my mind with clinical imprecision. building high walls.
Out in the real world I sent my uncle a long e-mail. That means that all my immediate relatives know of my struggles... to some degree. I didn't have much choice, because I had to bow out of going to a large family get-together at the last moment. knowing that the previous gettogether prompted a very maladaptive response. Shell of polite southern grace and poise cracking with rash and inappropriate jokes. strange looks. who is this creature. I cannot afford to attempt such a staged personality at this point. It's all I can do to maintain a sense of normalacy as I drift from the bed to the couch and back. occasionally to the computer in a medicated stupor.
clinical thoughts of the condition of the LlurpsieNoodle have me observing myself like some horrific species of sloth that eats foetid meat. imagining doing autopsies on said sloth. etc. And the the blanket is pulled down. no more thoughts of that. When thought ceases what then? And then I emerge from my stupor and behold a horizontal surface of trinkets and try to clear it off. Sisyphus efforts. Never to find peace.
my head hurts.
-Ll
Posted by OzLand on July 22, 2007, at 14:53:11
In reply to shut down, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 22, 2007, at 14:28:29
I don't know for sure, but it sounds like you are really getting into this state of mind. Be careful; I used to do that and drove myself right into psychotic states and the hospital. Are you wanting to be in the hospital right now? It would be okay if that would help.
Posted by muffled on July 22, 2007, at 15:34:02
In reply to shut down, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 22, 2007, at 14:28:29
Ahhh LL, I'm sorry you so stressed and messed :-(
Stress does THE strangest things...
*Could* it be the meds? I dunno, mebbe in part.
Maybe you could take this post of yours into p-doc and T ?
And Ozland is right. Its proly best if SOMEhow you can distract and not wallow in this daze. IF thats possible. I just find being around others helps me tone down. I am fortunate as I can goto sisters and just sit. I don't need to 'perform', I just sit, and if I wanto converse I can, or not.
I know your in a new place and its hard.
I dunno, maybe phone a friend?
Or can you function well enough to goto a trusted friends back elsewhere?
You are in a mega stress situ, in so many ways, so this mind stuff of yours really isn't so strange considering.
Are you able to knit?
Or focus on the TV?
Or watch ducks swimming?
Again hosp is not great, but if you could consult w/poc maybe there is an outpatient day program in your area? Something to get you out and interacting, and yet feeling safer cuz of being observed?
Or short term inpatient until meds can get tweaked better?
Then mebbe day program?
This is such a difficult time for you LL, you proly could use some extra support.
Wish you wasn't so far away, then you could sit in my kitchen and spout LL'isms all day and I wouldn't mind. And if you felt you were floating away I would hold your hand. I could check on you occasionally to see where you were at.
Is there any chance you could do some real low key volunteer work? Or are you already?
Damn, wish there was more I can do for you.
Please take extra special care of you.
ASK for help if you need it.
Muffled
Posted by Phillipa on July 22, 2007, at 16:39:39
In reply to Re: shut down » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by muffled on July 22, 2007, at 15:34:02
Lurpsie I agree with OZ I don't think you should let this continue on your own. Is hubby around? Maybe a few days in the hospital where it is very safe and some med adjustments. I feel for You. Love Phillipa
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 22, 2007, at 17:29:14
In reply to shut down, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 22, 2007, at 14:28:29
T said I needed more "structure" What would that be? partial outpatient? no clue how that works. Do I have the guts to ask? I went to a yoga class on friday. that was okay. maybe I'll try and go to more exercise classes. Or will I be too slothlike?
I wish I could nap. that would provide structure. then I'd have pre-nap and post-nap. instead of dazed confusion.
Walking up the stairs is like a sloth with 3 toes.
Husband is clueless. thinks I'm depressed. dunno how to tell him
maybe it's med side-effects. Maybe I'll feel better one of these days. who knows?
What should I say to my husband? How can I get him to be supportive without getting defensive? How can I get him to be present without trying to fix me? I don't have the presence of mind to be fixed. I just want to stay very very still until this all passes. But the white blanket (more like batting) prevents all kinds of rational thought. Like planning. probably a good thing, given what kind of event I'd be planning.
I think T is in tune. I can't remember when my next appt is. maybe this is a good opportunity to go look. (pause). As I feared. next friday. Well. I guess I can call him. what would I say though?
I'm not actively suicidal. Can't think straight to put that kind of plan in motion. I DO wish I had more support. a friend.
WTF?!? One of my friends just called me. My voice was kind of tremulous, but she was very kind. Sad that I wouldn't be seeing her on my vacation but understanding.
Well, I better go. My voice is tremulous on the computer too.
((((diet coke))))
-Ll
Posted by muffled on July 22, 2007, at 17:52:49
In reply to mumblings. little suicide trigger., posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 22, 2007, at 17:29:14
LL, call your T.
Just do it and lv a message.
Are you taking the klonopin as prescribed? Its seems a low dose really from what I gather. ).5 klon is like only .25 xanax, and thats not much...
I been there, some of what you say just reminds me. Like the how do you tell? How can you when you can't even form a coherant thot? Or even if you could, there are no words...
LL I KNOW its super hard, but I came thru it. So you will too. But I think its important to tell your T that you are:
Having alot of dissociation and confusion and your a little/alot concerned. Then maybe ask if he will phone and check up on you also. I think that would be an excellent idea. It would also be calming to know he is checking on you. Mebbe he could say: how are you doing, from 1-10, one being REALLY bad, and 10 being hypomanically happy. Then you could just blurt a number and he could take it from there. If you CAN'T make a number, them mebbe he needs to find out what is happening with you.
Maybe you could also mention that you need some help making this structure in youer life cuz your just too messed to even know where to start...
And you could ask about day programs as well.
These are thots I have.
Glad your friend called.
Take care
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 22, 2007, at 18:40:04
In reply to Re: mumblings. little suicide trigger., posted by muffled on July 22, 2007, at 17:52:49
Thanks you all for your caring, concern and counsel
i feel a lot better since I picked up my violin and ground my way through some bach (dark stuff) and ended up killing Don Juan prematurely in the first 4 notes of the excerpt. It only went downhill from there. Oh crap, did I just take death lightly? DonJuan is a fancy piece for orchestra. I played it less than fancy. Don Juan is supposed to die [tragically] in the end, but I killed him before he even got a chance for a romance with one of his amours. laughing (yes, laughing!) I attempted to play a lavish love scene. It sounded more like a drunken attempt in the back of a very small convertible.
yeah, maybe I sound silly, but silly is good. H wants to eat calimari for dinner. I'm eating Nutrisystem pot roast. Still losing weight. Maybe it's all those neurons evaporating.
Muffled, and others- if I don't feel better tomorrow or my white haze turns a bitter black, I promise to call quieT.
call me crazy.
-Ll
Posted by Phillipa on July 22, 2007, at 19:51:29
In reply to le violon, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 22, 2007, at 18:40:04
Li to get your husband to be more supportive especially now you must tell him what your're feeling and thinking. Does that make sense? Love Phillipa
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 22, 2007, at 19:52:47
In reply to Re: mumblings. little suicide trigger., posted by muffled on July 22, 2007, at 17:52:49
Posted by OzLand on July 22, 2007, at 21:46:31
In reply to Re: le violon » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by Phillipa on July 22, 2007, at 19:51:29
Sometimes husbands just don't understand. Sometimes it is better to talk to one' T rather than share with one's husband. I don't know if that is true for others, but it sure is for me.
Tonight turned into a horrible fight over stuff again. I really can't take the conflict right now and so I don't know what to do. T is out of town. I tried to explain to my husband about how things were and that conflict was making me depressed, and so what does he do--let's have a fight; lets say OzLand doesn't let have his own spirituality.
What it really is is that he feels threatened when I develop female friendships. He feels much better if he is in a one up, and I am one down position. Does that sound like someone I should confide in. My T doesn't think so, and my T years ago didn't think so either.
Posted by Phillipa on July 22, 2007, at 22:01:12
In reply to Re: le violon » Phillipa, posted by OzLand on July 22, 2007, at 21:46:31
No and I do the same thing and have disasterous results. Problem is my T is always on vacation see her every three weeks so who do I talk to in the meantime? You guys. Love Phillipa
Posted by muffled on July 22, 2007, at 23:42:12
In reply to le violon, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 22, 2007, at 18:40:04
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 23, 2007, at 10:09:56
In reply to Re: le violon » OzLand, posted by Phillipa on July 22, 2007, at 22:01:12
yeah, so I spent yesterday evening doing a mental catalogue of all of the injurious potential of my household belongings. did a few cuts too, shaped like a star and a moon. or a pentagram, depending on how many head shops you've been to. which I haven't done since? march? I dunno. bad. just wanted to feel something.
told my H i was having a really hard time, and he (just as predicted) got all defensive, like I was blaming HIM for my bad time. nope, not at all. just a few suggestions for him to hug me more. which he did oblige to.
And a first in our marriage. today I got breakfast in bed. Nutrisystem flakes, 2 soft boiled eggs, a pot of green tea. He gets 5 gold stars for that.
I don't think there's any coffee or sharp blade in this world that will get me out of the haze. just trying to put one foot in front of the other and not fall down these precarious capecod stairs. I'll try not to bother y'all anymore. not worth the bother.
-Ll
Posted by muffled on July 23, 2007, at 10:29:55
In reply to husbands... si trigger, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 23, 2007, at 10:09:56
>I don't think there's any coffee or sharp blade in this world that will get me out of the haze. just trying to put one foot in front of the other and not fall down these precarious capecod stairs. I'll try not to bother y'all anymore. not worth the bother.
**LL, you not all alone in your haze. its just so foggy you can't see, but you not alone.
I hope you keep posting. I like your writing.
Posting here is good, trying to connect is good.
Can you accept that the haze is there for a time, and serves a protective function. can you trust it WILL go away in its time and try not to fight it so?
You will come back. Just takes time, and mebbe some help. I know it seems so slow and impossible, but it will get better.
Can you please phone your T today and tell him of your SI?
Tell him of your fog?
Tell him whatever else is bothering you?
Sigh its so hard I know.
I'm thinking of you and wishing you some good moments.
Take care please,
Muffled
Posted by Honore on July 23, 2007, at 10:51:32
In reply to husbands... si trigger, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 23, 2007, at 10:09:56
Llurpsie, do you think, seriously, that the combination of medications amount of medication that you're getting is helping-- or going to help when you get acclimated?
Because medications are supposed to help. If you're getting through a brief period of remembering trauma, maybe being so medicated helps-- but if it's going to be a long term thing of feeling so exhausted and out of touch with emotions and things ourside your mind-- maybe it is too much, or the wrong combo?
I know you weren't happy on the amount of geodon before. And if this pdoc is upping the amounts-- when you had started to go down--maybe you need a second opinion. Maybe they are a bit scared and therefore over-medicating you- it's worth checking into. Just because pdocs are scared doesn't mean they should be-- or that there's reason to give so much medication. (I'm not saying there's not, because I don't really know-- but I'm worrying, that's all.)
I mean-- these meds are supposed to help you feel better, not worse-- more able to function, not less. I'm sure there's a reason=-=-but it may not be the only or best course, for you to have so much, or have these.
I wish you'd see someone else, maybe someone who's got some creative ideas, or is more used to having Ps with a lot of anxieties, or well-- I don't know exactly why they're giving you these things.
But there are other pdocs around. Or you could come to NY and see my pdoc. He's really nice and caring, and smart-- very smart and insightful-- and he does try different things, if he knows of them. I can't imagine him going too far-- he knows the value of being able to work, and to be productive, no matter what.
It's easy to get to his office from Grand Central Station-- you don't even have to be in NY for more than five minutes each way. At least I trust his judgment, and I'm worried about you.
I know you didn't want the geodon-- and I know it might be hard to come off-- but if it's making you so foggy, you need something that won't do that. I really wonder if there's a better way--
why don't you consider a second opinion from someone who's deep and has nuanced judgment-- I'm not saying you current pdoc and T don't-- but maybe another voice. Think about it.
Honore
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 23, 2007, at 11:13:35
In reply to husbands... si trigger, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 23, 2007, at 10:09:56
I read your responses to me. will wait to discuss these responses when neural function returns to an IQ level of 85 or more.
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 23, 2007, at 15:28:46
In reply to (((((LL)))), posted by muffled on July 23, 2007, at 10:29:55
I feel a little better right now. I just drank a venti cappucino. awake.
>
> **LL, you not all alone in your haze. its just so foggy you can't see, but you not alone.
> I hope you keep posting. I like your writing.
> Posting here is good, trying to connect is good.
> Can you accept that the haze is there for a time, and serves a protective function. can you trust it WILL go away in its time and try not to fight it so?(((((protective haze)))))
llurpielist
1) haze is there to protect me from dark thoughts.
2) haze prevented me from cutting my vein last night
3) haze makes me sleepy - remember how I always want to sleep through my depression. here's my opportunity!
4) haze for hazy days
5) haze to make me not remember things
6) haze to banish the images of random violence. The little creechy sounds and creepies in my peripheral vision
7) haze to stop the hypervigilance that makes me think that they're talking about me. feeling conspicuously crazy. now I've taken a massive dose of Fukitol.> You will come back. Just takes time, and mebbe some help. I know it seems so slow and impossible, but it will get better.
> Can you please phone your T today and tell him of your SI?
> Tell him of your fog?don't have the guts. have no idea how he'd react. he's new to me. scared of getting some reaction like "we'll have to talk about this on Friday. I have to go now" or "can you talk to pdoc (who I don't quite jive with right now) about this? I think it's a medical issue" or "Llurpsie, you are a very accomplished person, and you don't need to ______ to prove ______. I care about you [barf] etc"
> Tell him whatever else is bothering you?
> Sigh its so hard I know.
> I'm thinking of you and wishing you some good moments.thanks muff
> Take care please,
> Muffled
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 23, 2007, at 16:06:04
In reply to Re: Meds and how you feel, posted by Honore on July 23, 2007, at 10:51:32
> Llurpsie, do you think, seriously, that the combination of medications amount of medication that you're getting is helping-- or going to help when you get acclimated?
perhaps
>
> Because medications are supposed to help. If you're getting through a brief period of remembering trauma, maybe being so medicated helps-- but if it's going to be a long term thing of feeling so exhausted and out of touch with emotions and things ourside your mind-- maybe it is too much, or the wrong combo?
>
> I know you weren't happy on the amount of geodon before. And if this pdoc is upping the amounts-- when you had started to go down--maybe you need a second opinion. Maybe they are a bit scared and therefore over-medicating you- it's worth checking into. Just because pdocs are scared doesn't mean they should be-- or that there's reason to give so much medication. (I'm not saying there's not, because I don't really know-- but I'm worrying, that's all.)
>
> I mean-- these meds are supposed to help you feel better, not worse-- more able to function, not less. I'm sure there's a reason=-=-but it may not be the only or best course, for you to have so much, or have these.
>
> I wish you'd see someone else, maybe someone who's got some creative ideas, or is more used to having Ps with a lot of anxieties, or well-- I don't know exactly why they're giving you these things.
>
> But there are other pdocs around. Or you could come to NY and see my pdoc. He's really nice and caring, and smart-- very smart and insightful-- and he does try different things, if he knows of them. I can't imagine him going too far-- he knows the value of being able to work, and to be productive, no matter what.
>
> It's easy to get to his office from Grand Central Station-- you don't even have to be in NY for more than five minutes each way. At least I trust his judgment, and I'm worried about you.
>
> I know you didn't want the geodon-- and I know it might be hard to come off-- but if it's making you so foggy, you need something that won't do that. I really wonder if there's a better way--
>
> why don't you consider a second opinion from someone who's deep and has nuanced judgment-- I'm not saying you current pdoc and T don't-- but maybe another voice. Think about it.
>
> Honore
>Thanks honore,
I'm going to try to get used to the meds. If I don't feel better soon, I'll ask my T for another referral.I already knew from the first appt. that this current pdoc is strongly progeodon. And when I present with more psychotic symptoms the 2nd appt. I knew what to expect.
oh well.
husband suggested that I go sleep in a hotel. I told him that if I don't feel better by this time tomorrow I should go (will be cheaper than the hospital anyways. peaceful)
-Ll
>
Posted by Phillipa on July 23, 2007, at 20:19:04
In reply to Re: Meds and how you feel » Honore, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 23, 2007, at 16:06:04
Lurpsie listen to Honore she is a smart woman and the hospital can see how the meds are affecting you. I agree with Honore and the high dose of geodon it's very high. Love Phillipa
Posted by muffled on July 23, 2007, at 20:36:27
In reply to Re: Meds and how you feel » Honore, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 23, 2007, at 16:06:04
>husband suggested that I go sleep in a hotel. I told him that if I don't feel better by this time tomorrow I should go (will be cheaper than the hospital anyways. peaceful)
**Hmmm, just wanted to dash this off. Everybodys different, but I wonder if staying alone in a hotel is the answer??????? It strikes me as isolating, and I am not convinced that its the best idea at this point....IMHO.
I've run away to hotels B4 too....with not the best results. Me being alone in a room with only my own thots...not good :-(
Just wanted to mention that.
((LL))
Posted by muffled on July 23, 2007, at 20:54:09
In reply to Re: (((((LL)))) suicide triggers. good news » muffled, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 23, 2007, at 15:28:46
I'm glad you did a Llurpylist :-)
You good at those.
I hope you can be OK with haze some now.
Just be careful a bit, cuz when you in the haze, if its like mine anyways, well, your judgement and physical sensations may be at bit off at times. There is a small part of me that would know what was going on, but it wasn't able to do much. So anytime you even think you going down a bad road, please stop, and get some help from hubby or T or emerg or whatever.
The haze can be sneaky.
Thats if its like mine.>don't have the guts. have no idea how he'd react. he's new to me. scared of getting some reaction like "we'll have to talk about this on Friday. I have to go now" or "can you talk to pdoc (who I don't quite jive with right now) about this? I think it's a medical issue" or "Llurpsie, you are a very accomplished person, and you don't need to ______ to prove ______. I care about you [barf] etc"
**Sigh. Its HARD. You got SO much change :-( going on.
I think you will just have to try it out and find out what he says. You are in a hard place right now, and T knows its not forever, so I'm sure he is just fine with giving you extra support as needed at this time.
Guess the fallback is, is if for some reason he just is useless this quieT, then if you desprate you could proly call your old T for guidance in the moment.
And remember babble is here too for you.
It turns out we can't go until Thursday at the earliest now.
So I am around for a bit more.
Please try and find even a moment or two of quietness in a peaceful way.
Thinking of you,
M
Posted by OzLand on July 23, 2007, at 22:47:53
In reply to Re: Meds and how you feel, posted by Honore on July 23, 2007, at 10:51:32
Is it possible that the amount of med's, the increase is contributing to you feeling worse? That has happened to me before; too much sedation, and I started down the haze road as you call it, and soon I was not sure what was reality and what was not. I felt much better on less sedating meds. Is this a possibility?? Would it hurt to get a second opinion??
Posted by muffled on July 24, 2007, at 14:29:42
In reply to Re: Meds and how you feel, posted by OzLand on July 23, 2007, at 22:47:53
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 24, 2007, at 14:47:45
In reply to Re: Meds and how you feel, posted by OzLand on July 23, 2007, at 22:47:53
> Is it possible that the amount of med's, the increase is contributing to you feeling worse? That has happened to me before; too much sedation, and I started down the haze road as you call it, and soon I was not sure what was reality and what was not. I felt much better on less sedating meds. Is this a possibility?? Would it hurt to get a second opinion??
I don't think I can afford to get a 2nd opinion. my insurance is all screwed up and I haven't paid my T since february. :(
I'm gonna give myself a week and then see if I feel better. if not, I'm gonna give pdoc a call and be a little pushy. I have a pushy side. believe it or not.
in the meanwhile. coffee. lots of it.
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 24, 2007, at 14:56:42
In reply to LLurpy, how ya doin today? (nm), posted by muffled on July 24, 2007, at 14:29:42
Hi muff, thank you for checking up on me ((((muffled)))
1) I took all my meds as prescribed. Even the klonopin. Which I am noncompliant
2) I drank a big cup of coffee.
3) I called the movers to file a claim for scratches and dents
4) I walked to the pond. past the stinking pondweed section. sat on the granite boulder. just for a minute. held hands with H
6) Went to our favorite lunch restaurant. I had grilled shrimp and salad. diet coke.
5) Went shopping at grocery store. decided I needed a treat. sent H ahead, and I bought 5 white carnations, a calla lily and 4 siberian iris at the florist. I came home and arranged them while H put away groceries.That's what I've been doing
Here's what I've been feeling
1) blah. blah. do I really have to get up. guilty. have to get up. heavy heavy head and limbs. must. get out of bed
2) maybe today won't be so bad
3) uh oh. people's worried about me in babbleland. how do I manage to keep them concerned at arm's length distance?
4) optimism- today won't be so bad after all. is that "Energy" I feel?
5) slump. utter complete slump and haze returning.
6) maybe I can go out of town this weekend. maybe I'll feel well enough by then to make it to the anniversary of G&G. Gmom called and told me that whatever I decide is okay, and that even if I come at the last minute someone can pick me up at the airport. I only need to be awake for a little while. It's not like my graduation and the wedding when I had to pretend to be bubbly and happy. Here I can be pensive and not raise too many eyebrows. Keep to myself.change of scene might be good. lemme price the airplane tix.
-Ll
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