Posted by Damos on January 2, 2006, at 22:13:58
In reply to trauma and cycles in the present, posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2005, at 18:57:04
> i have been thinking...
Me too, so forgive me if this is an incomprehensible mish-mosh.
>
> about trauma.
> about the notion that if someone has experienced trauma... then they relive that over and over and over.Like Lar, I though this was pretty much accepted as fact
> they were victimised and they go on to elicit that same victimisation from new people in their life...Think this is true for some people too. No, I d*mn well know it is. Seen people do it. But it's not a conscious choice, not by a long way. I think it was gg who said it was 'because it's the known', and I think that's true. Seems like the brain doesn't distinguish between good and bad patterns so much as it does familiar and unfamiliar and there's the trap.
>
> and i think maybe... i do that a little...Well, given what I know of your life experience I think that's pretty reasonable and completely understandable. If you grow up in an environment that is invalidating and disqualifying, then it only makes sense that you'd probably invalidate your own emotions, feelings and responses an dprobably have unrealistic expectations of yourself in respect of your behaviour.
> but sometimes... they were victimised and they go on to persecute in the way they were persecuted...In some cases that's true, the abused becomes the abuser or whatever. But again, I think it's more because it's all they 'know'. I don't think they choose to be perpetuate the cycle, they just don't know any other way of being.
> and i think maybe... i do that a lot...Can't say I've ever seen evidence of it, but that's not what's important. The fact that you think that maybe you do, for whatever reason, is what's important. I'd like to understand what makes you think that.
> i think...
> i do that :-(
> and i hurt the people i care about the most.
> :-(
> because i do get scared.
> and it is kind of self defence...
> only...
> people probably need to protect themself from me really :-(
>
> which pains me so much :-(
> and comes back to the truth in the 'i'm not fit for human company' idea...Sorry Alex but I can't subscribe to that theory. If you were talking about me, yeah then I'd agree, but not you. Delightful and enchanting are the words that come to mind. There is just no way someone who would go so far out of their way to make a totally strange total stranger feel so welcome, safe and comfortable could be 'not fit for human company.' I think it's more about finding human company that fits. And even in the best fits there are hurts and upsets and misunderstandings. Can honestly say that there has never been a moment were I felt I need to protect myself from you. Quite the opposite in fact, you make being open and vulnerable feels safe, which is kinda scary.
Think responding to this post was so hard because it meant admitting that these are thought I have about myself an awful lot. And I know it results in some strange push-pull, hot-cold, go away - don't leave me behaviour. Don't actually know which scares me more, the thought that I'm growing to love and care for someone, or the thought that someone may love and care for me. Probably the latter - sigh.
And again, whether I see evidence of it or not is not what matters. If that's what you see and feel happens I believe you, and want to understand more about how you see that manifesting.
Think Tamar and gg in what they've said about other people feeling hurt. It's a valuable insight that you can see this
> how are you supposed to stop with that???Awareness, observation, acceptance and validation. Though not necessarily in that order. Being accepted for who and how and what you are is key. Having your emotions, thoughts, feelings and responses validated makes a world of difference too. Doesn't matter whether they're extreme or contradictory or whatever - they're yours and they're valid. It's these things that create the 'safe space' to work on stuff, to experiment with new ways of being.
> i have heard...
>
> abbreaction.
> thats what that is supposed to be about.
> if you can experience the initial trauma...
> and work through that...
> then it will stop the cycle being played out over and over indefinitely.
>
> does that really work do people think?
>
> what i've read about it...
>
> hard to say...
>
> do things have to get worse in order to get better?
>
> what if...
>
> you relive it...
>
> and can't find your way back out?
>
> is that how...
>
> you learn about the distinction between the present and the past?
>
> cause they get all messed up and tangled together for me... and i can't tell where i am and what i'm responding / reacting to.
>
> or...
>
> does it just make people worse...
>
> (like anna o...)
>
> etc.I've heard and read conflicting stuff about this and honestly I don't know. Guess I agree with Tamar that you probably *feel* worse. Also don't think you necessarily have to relive it as much as work with the *meaning* of it to you and how it manifests in the present. Something I actually found myself doing on occassions when I thought I was getting confused with now stuff and then stuff was taking a quick status check: Name, today's date, current age, where I am, who I'm with, what we're doing. I actually said out loud once to a person I was talking to; "Let's be absolutely clear about this, you are not XXXXX, okay."
Sorry to waffle on so long.
(((((Alex)))))
poster:Damos
thread:593810
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051229/msgs/594561.html