Posted by DAisym on July 22, 2007, at 20:41:40
In reply to Re: Needs and my situation with T.....help!! » jammerlich, posted by Maria01 on July 22, 2007, at 19:33:53
(((Jammer)))
Therapy is the hardest thing I've ever done and figuring out what to do with all the need that has broken open is a big part of why it is hard. I think talking about the hard things takes us to a space of wanting reassurance that the person we told is OK - and they can help us be OK. So we want/need more contact during those times. We need our therapists to feel solid, like they can take the fallout of telling.
It is still pretty common for worries to crop up about making a client "too dependent" by meeting those contact needs. It reminds me of the advise given to young mothers - "don't pick up the baby, you will spoil her." All the research shows that you don't spoil babies by meeting their needs, you make them feel secure about getting their needs met. The research is the same for therapy - allowing a client to attach and use the therapist as a safe base, particularly from which to explore painful material, has been show to be an incredibly effective way to facilitate change. It keeps the client in therapy when things get hard and it keeps them together, instead of falling apart. But old ideas linger...
I think you shouldn't expect to change your therapist - either into something or back to something she was. She is responding to some internal sense of her own. Perhaps she is wary due to a "bad" experience with another client. Perhaps she has some feelings still about the way you terminated previously. If I remember correctly, it was a power struggle. This feels like one too. And I agree that she could really want you to feel competent, that it is more about what she wants for you, instead of what she is trying to avoid.
But you are not a mind reader. And you are not getting what you need, even after months and months of struggling. I think there is value in struggling with the therapy relationship - because we project all kinds of things all over our therapist and we can learn about ourselves when we recognize these things. But at some point, and you may have reached that point, it becomes destructive to continue to struggle. As much as you care for her (and given how you felt during her vacation, I would say this is true) perhaps she just can't help you the way you need to be helped. It isn't her style, or her beliefs or whatever.
I would write it all down -- or take in your post, which is incredibly clear and poignant. Take it with you on Tuesday and read it to her. See how she responds. See how it feels. If it were me, I would not drop it off early. I think it gives her time to hide her feelings and to frame her responses.
If you, as the client, were to suddenly schedule some meeting or class or something in to the slot that you've reserved for therapy for months and months, she would wonder what is going on. What is the resistance and what has motivated you to put other things in place of your therapy? The fact that she did it to you should be questioned as well. She isn't a brand new therapist. She must know that clients consider slots "their time" and she must be aware of how disruptive it can feel to move days or times. I'm sure to you it feels like being punished. I'd ask her about this.
I know I'm not the only one who thinks that we can really, really care about a therapist who isn't helping us. It is such a painful and difficult position to be in. I hope you can find the courage to sort it out and make the changes you need to make. Last week was a huge step.
Take care.
poster:DAisym
thread:771173
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070714/msgs/771225.html