Posted by rskontos on June 19, 2009, at 11:36:37
In reply to Re: Psychoanalysis question » rskontos, posted by antigua3 on June 19, 2009, at 6:59:40
> No, the blank slate that I felt was in response to me pouring out my flashbacks and him just taking it in and just reflecting back this huge nothingness. Didn't say anything at all about what I'd told him. As if he almost wasn't even there, and he wasn't going to interpet anything, at least at this point, but allow me to interpet it myself without any input. (He did ask one stupid question, which made me feel like he hadn't been paying attention.)
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> It just felt invalidating and hurtful if I'm honest. He's not usually like this, but he does seem to do this when I'm recounting something.
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> BTW, I never ask anything of a personal nature. I don't want to know anything about him at all. If anything, he is the one who has brought up something about his family, but that has only been once or twice. I like hearing about his work, though--not his patients (LOL), but his research.
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> I know I'm hiding from actually accepting that he's a real person, but, really, I'm scared to death to know anythng about him because I'm afraid he will hurt me.
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> the only question he has refused to answer is when I asked him once why he asked me a specific question about something that had happened during our therapy. I had gotten quite angry over the question and wanted to know why he asked, but he wouldn't say.
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> antiguaNow this post resonates with me. Mine will often do the same thing. But he will have a puzzling expression. I finally got up enough nerve to email (notice the nerve was still not face to face) why he did this. And that the face he made actually reminded me of the flashback faces. He admitted he did not realize the face he made was anything other than symathetic. I assured it was anything but that. It was actually kind of frightening.
But the pattern I finally have seen emerge with him, is one of he often reflects on all I give him, then over the course of the next several sessions we will discuss what I did tell him. It is like he takes it in megabytes versus the dump load I give him. Because in one sense it is a fairly overwhelming amount of stuff I lay on him at once when I finally open up. And in all honesty if we talked about it all I would probably explode. Often times he knows more how much I can take then I can. But it has taken me more time and knowledge of myself and acceptance to realize this and to understand his ways.
I think now, I would not have it any other way than this p-doc. Boundaries are important to me. More than I knew. Touchy feely stuff doesn't work well for me. For me to open up I need just his amount of blank slate in this case. He needs to take it in. Say nothing for a while and then we slowly talk about it. Because really for me, whatever he said would it be right when there is nothing right about what happened. Just getting it out there is healing. Because the secret is no longer a secret.
But I understand that for you this might be the exact wrong approach and you need him to know it, and I imagine he will either modify his approach or offer why he thinks it is necessary.
I also get not want to see him as a real person because then you might somehow start to feel responsible for him. At least that is how I felt. I think it is ok to feel this way.
I personally think it is ok to feel however you feel for however long you feel it. It will change when you are ready for it to change. However long that takes.
He might hurt you and he might not.
I might hurt you, anyone here might. I will try like h@ll never to hurt you but I have started to try and accept that hurt is part of relationships and because of how we all got to this point in our lives we avoid hurt like the plague.
And that is justified. My T and I had a discussion about how afraid I was to open up to him because tomorrow he might be gone and that would hurt. He said yes that is true but it is life.
I thought how rude and why the heck would a therapist say that.
But the more I thought about it I realized he was right. And it is something I would said and have said to my well-adjusted children along the way about many things. That hurt is just part of life.So I realized that dealing with hurt is something I have tried never to do as an adult. That a part of me said if I can help it no one will ever hurt me again. And so I stayed disconnected from the world for a huge amount of time.
Slowly I am re-engaging on my terms. I will only re-engage to a certain point because I feel I can only heal to a certain point. But that too is ok. I am who I am. Parts and all.
Sorry this is long but as always your posts move me. If you read this far you get a prize. Peace to you always. And always I will remain your friend who never wants to hurt you :)
rsk
poster:rskontos
thread:901559
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090614/msgs/902040.html