Posted by cockeyed on July 12, 2005, at 0:29:12
In reply to withdrawal - booze, lexipro, dignity, posted by afraid of everything on July 7, 2005, at 12:09:26
hi, I read your post and it stopped me cold. I wish cold sober but I'm coming off a week of going back to the bad "good ole days".
I have a nerve trying to "help" but here goes. AA probably saved my life and for ten years I didn't drink. But I became disabled and got really envious of all the "and god came into my life and now..." I also underwent a change in personality after major surgery...whatever I know longer could sit thru a meeting. I really need to get back but I can't. So I know where your coming from. If you have a phone, call the hot lines or whatever they call them. People are there who can help. And google for local support groups and agencies.
I had to quit lexapro because of side effects. I'm back on prozac which rings my bell a bit.
Much to my dismay, I've found that much of my depression and dread come after the high of vodka or whiskey or whatever swill I can manage...hell, I like the taste of listerine. but once up the hill, it's down for me. Now, it's worse because my family won't tolerate me getting "happy" Whci to me means nice and blasted but able to function, etc. [I used to make a point of saving my bottles and bringing them to the local park for discrete disposal. I like to drink alone...altho this last blast came with friends who told me I was really loud and obnoxious...I thought I was having fun. More when I start a new thread.
And cutting up. Every now and then I think, this is hell. I'll slit my arteries from elbow to wrist...and go out in the tub. Of course this is a form of mentally playing with myself. But I don't dare own a gun. I'm nuts...there's a part of me that partakes of my maternal family tradition of self destruction.
Now, while I'm waxing hypocritical. I bleieve in nothing anymore. But when I get to a really bad place, I lie on the floor and beg god, any god, that I just give up and will try to let a leap of faith overcome my pride. The pride is phoney anyway. But booze comes with a special price for me...waking up the next day...full of depression dread and anxiety. Gotta go get another fifth or two jugs of red.
I don't know if this makes any sense. I spent all of sunday sleeping off a bottle of canadian club. I just wanted a coupla shots. Wound up with an empty and an empty pint of cheap vodka. So here I am trying to help. If you can possibley stomach it, try AA. In fact try anything you can because you are in a bad bad place. Hell. And keep on hitting these boards, they've taken the place of confession and church for me. I'm plain sick of my family and they of me. But, f* 'em if they can't take a joke. I was always there for them....oops, there I go off on being rotten. time to quit.
You too. the sacred stuff has turned on you.
wish I could make more sense and offer more help and support. But keep trying. cockeyed.
poster:cockeyed
thread:524596
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20050602/msgs/526546.html