Posted by afraid of everything on July 18, 2005, at 8:42:31
In reply to Re: withdrawal - booze, lexipro, dignity » afraid of everything, posted by cockeyed on July 12, 2005, at 0:29:12
Hi, Cockeyed
Thank you for your message and for your concern. I have been feeling better.. I think. After that paticularly bad day, I didn't have a drink for 5 days, so I only had to deal with the lexipro withdrawal and the crying fits. I not only didn't lose my job, I got a raise! That is the terrifying part of me. I get so desparate sometimes - everything sucks and I entertain suicide, have had too many attempts to count. It's terrifying. Then something great will happen - I'll get a raise, or get laid, or find a marvelous pair of shoes, and know close I came to ending it all and missing this great stuff that happens occassionally. I understand the "discreet disposal" of bottles - I do not have that "luxury", as my watchdog landlords are always at the bottom of the stairs, hairy eyeballs all-around. Their judgement is torturous. They obviously have their own personal issues with alcohol - nice Italian girls shouldn't drink - giving me nasty looks and snide comments is not going to stop my drinking. AAAAAaarrrrrrggg!!!! Why can't they just leave me the f*ck alone?! That, coupled with my family's judgement, is going to push me over the edge, I tell you. Do they really mean well? I wonder. Or do they do it to make themselves feel pious and better than I? I need to stress that I am not a social nor obnoxious drunk. Got my fill of that in my 20's. Sheesh - last week or whenever it was, when I had my meltdown at work, I sent my mother and sister an e-mail, letting them know I was suffering ghastly lexipro withdrawal, and leaving work early. I got this sanctimonious reply from AA-zombie-sister (hense my aversion) telling me the wonders of AA and how I shouldn't be drinking on lexipro, and even better, quitting drinking has has an amazing benefit to her life and I should go to a meeting with her. Umm..? Did you read me message, Ms. Holier than thou? I am going through LEXIPRO WITHDRAWAL - what does this have to do with drinking? Her "plugs" only make me want to drink a 40 of malt liquor in her car and drunk-dial her at 9am. My mother didn't even bother replying. (Did I mention that in my e-mail to them I said I called the hospital and the hospital suggested I go to the psychiatric emergency room, that lexipro-withdrawal warrants such a trip?) Mom called later and said she really feels that I am not experiencing withdrawal - that what I am experiencing is the affect of being off my meds. Umm..? Thanks, Mum, but before I starting taking meds, I was not hallucinating and didn't experience electric volts shooting through my scalp and hands. I detest being labeled a drunk and a head-case. These are just two delightful parts of my dazzling personality. The landlords infuriate me, I cry at commercials, I get excited by small successes on the j-o-b, and very angry and depressed by my brother's psychotic bride-to-be's hatred of his family. These are normal feelings and emotions, right? I can't even share them with my family because they start diagnosing me - I just feel this way because I am drunk and/or crazy. It is so unfair! AAaarggg! No wonder I drink! My old boyfriend is visiting me this week. We got into a wicked fight last night, and he blamed it on my drinking. Nice. Another tunnel-vision victim. He came here BROKE. He's done this to me a hundred times - I give him a $20 for (what else?) beer, and he comes back with no change then has the nerve to complain that I drank all the beer! Buy some more, bastard! Why don't you use the change you stole from me?! Yes, I am angry. Don't I have a right to feel this way? We can't even go out for dinner, or buy those huge cans of Fosters and drink them on the beach because he is BROKE. My apologies that my idea of a houseguest and vacation is not sitting on the couch watching On-Demand for 16 hours straight. Yes, I am angry! I took time off work for this? He says the only reason I am mad is because I have been drinking. It couldn't possibly be from feeling like I am being taking advantage of and taken for granted and honestly bored to tears, could it? I am sick and tired of the suspicion. Everyone in the world gets headaches - why do people assume mine must be from a hangover? Everyone in the world gets sad and mad - why conclude that I do because I am either drunk or chemically-unbalanced? I don't think that's helpful to me. It doesn't seem to me that their judgements are supportive and borne of love and caring. I am always there for everyone, a bleeding-heart, a caring friend above everything. Why can't I get the same? What is it about me that invites people to judge me? Why can't my landlords just leave me alone? Why? Why? Good news is that I made some calls, and because of my income, I get free health care. I start therapy in two weeks - there is a God.
poster:afraid of everything
thread:524596
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20050602/msgs/529446.html