Posted by afraid of everything on July 26, 2005, at 18:09:00
In reply to Re: withdrawal - booze, lexipro, dignity, posted by JMC on July 26, 2005, at 13:43:15
thank you for your wisdom! I like how you ended the message with "cheers" :)
A lot of what you say makes sound sense. I guess I am truly not alone in this. I know I need to get my act together, I know I have serious problems. I have indeed been diagnosed with major depresssion, major anxiety dosorder, and PTSD - my doctor called it "multiple-morbidity" or something equally as "morbid". I was attacked by two filthy crack-heads several years ago - smashed me in the face with a bottle as I was minding my own business walking home from a friend's house. I've haven't been the same since. That's when all the heavy illegal drug-use ended, and enter - heavy drinking. Paxil made me fat, sweaty, and certifiable. Lexipro made me fat, sweaty, and boring. Doctor won't give me any valium or adavan because of my suicide attempts and cutting. God, I sound crazier in writing. Vicious circle - you bet ya! Not so much the waking up and heading for the bottle (that's the occassional weekend, but haven't done that in a while), but more the $64,000 question: am I a lunatic because I drink so much, or do I drink so much because I am a lunatic? I guess I'd get my $64K if I just stopped drinking and see what happens, but I can't seem to do this for any reasonable amount of time. Last night, for example, I went out for drinks after work with some co-workers. I had two marguaritas then had a massive anxiety attack (became overwhelmingly self-conscience and started to tremble), made a beeline for the subway and cried the whole way home. Everyone had a terrific time, and they all came in hung-over. I was so envious, and felt so left out - why did I have an attack? Why can't I go out and if I drink too much, come in hung-over but blissful, telling fun stories from the night before? I wake up and want to jump off the roof. I feel like I am walking around with layers and layers and layers of soaking wet clothes, and I can'r run and I can't get out of my own way. So, yes, guess it's easier for now to just have a drink and say f*ck it - I'll start dealing with it tomorrow. I have hope, just not right now, and I dont have the energy, and I am afraid I will fail miserably. I start therapy in a couple weeks. Wish me luck....
poster:afraid of everything
thread:524596
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20050722/msgs/533879.html