![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 31. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daisym on September 15, 2004, at 19:08:57
and not feel so alone. No one is in Open.
I've had a couple of really rough days. (weeks? months?) I feel like I've gone back to the story telling stage in which I pour out all the old crud on my therapist and sob through most of it. How could all of this have happened to me as a child? I keep adding in new parts and pieces and even though I shouldn't be, I'm shocked by them.
We are also doing some intensive work about my current relationships, especially with my husband. So for the most part I've kept the youngest parts of me quiet, and concentrated on being an adult trying to problem solve the situation. That fell apart yesterday because my therapist directly asked to talk to "her" (my younger self). (She had a tantrum last week about not being able to talk--really, I even slammed the door when I left therapy--and he promised to make an effort to help me let her out this week.)
I told him I was afraid to let her talk because she was upset...I was upset and anxious...heck! we ALL were upset. And I was terrified I would fall apart. He said, "maybe that is exactly what needs to happen. You are here with me, what safer place?"
So, I let her talk. Turns out she has a lot to say about the current state of things, including that they remind her of past anger. And her memories about angry episodes and hitting are pretty clear. And I'm really clear that I DON'T WANT anymore of her memories. So we went to war, right there in session. I ended up sobbing and falling apart. And telling my therapist he has to stop asking to talk to "her"...I needed her to be quiet about what happened. That it was too much for me and I was sure too much for him.
He just shook his head and said he promised her that he would listen to everything she had to say. But that he understood how very painful it was for me to hear it all. And that he could handle it. He said I have to let her speak her truths. She needed to do that.
It was quiet for a while and then the very youngest parts of me crept out and asked him not to leave us in this mess of emotions. And he promised not to, he said he won't leave her and he won't leave me. But there is still a deep terror that if I don't figure out how to stop telling these stories soon, he'll get done.
And then where will I be?
Posted by partlycloudy on September 15, 2004, at 19:29:48
In reply to Just Need to Babble - sorry, long, posted by daisym on September 15, 2004, at 19:08:57
Hi, Daisy, I'm here. I wouldn't be afraid of therapy stopping anytime soon. You said that every session there are new bits and pieces emerging - and all of those pieces have to be reconciled with the here and now.
As for falling apart and crying? My T insists that it's part of the healing process. I feel like it's a simmering pot that easily flows over the edge, but the level doesn't get any lower.
I just wanted you to know that I'm listening. or rather, reading.
((((daisym))))
Posted by Pfinstegg on September 15, 2004, at 20:28:54
In reply to Just Need to Babble - sorry, long, posted by daisym on September 15, 2004, at 19:08:57
Hi Daisy. I've been having a rough time, too. I understand what you are saying- *you* would like the younger parts to keep quiet, and not cause you any more pain than you have already. I feel the same- I just don't feel that I can bear any more, either, but I can't turn it off- it just keeps pouring out. My T welcomes everything, and is very supportive and empathic, but the younger parts of me, which were severely abused and neglected, don't even believe he really means it. *They* feel all alone, We keep working to find better ways to help them feel connected to him-we have some helpful things we can do, but not as many as we need, as yet. I go hope with swollen, red eyes, and even eat a whole pint of chocolate chip ice cream in my desperation! That's a new thing for me to do, and not a very good idea, on a regular basis. One thing I can say through all this- I, the grown-up, have comlete trust that my T is there for me through thick and thin- i never doubt it even for a second, but it is shocking to find that younger, until recently unconscious parts of me feel just the opposite- that he'll get angry and fed-up, kick me out. etc.
I feel I do really understand- my experiences are so similiar to yours. I try to remind myself that I must, at least, have gotten strong enough to bear all of this, however poorly I seem to be doing it.
Posted by daisym on September 15, 2004, at 21:22:48
In reply to Re: Just Need to Babble - sorry, long » daisym, posted by partlycloudy on September 15, 2004, at 19:29:48
Thanks, PC. It means a lot that you are "listening." I'm really lonely going through this process because who do you tell this stuff to? My best friend today listened for a little while about my husband's attitude and she pipped in with, "well, you make excuses for him because you are codependent. Maybe you need to work on THAT in therapy." I told my therapist. He told me, "no offense to her, but she should get stuffed. You need support, not criticism." I was glad he said that because I'm already beating my self up about what I'm willing to make excuses for.
More babbling, I know. I'm glad you are out there.
Daisy
Posted by shrinking violet on September 15, 2004, at 21:31:48
In reply to Re: Just Need to Babble - sorry, long » partlycloudy, posted by daisym on September 15, 2004, at 21:22:48
I'm not exactly sure what to say right now to help you feel better, but I just wanted you to know I heard you, and give you one of these:
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Daisy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Your T sounds like he really does want to help you, and he seems genuine in his promise not to abandon you. I know it can be so hard to trust in that..... I hope at least some part of you finds peace soon.
SV
Posted by daisym on September 15, 2004, at 21:36:40
In reply to Re: Just Need to Babble - sorry, long » daisym, posted by Pfinstegg on September 15, 2004, at 20:28:54
I'm sorry you are having a rough time too...wouldn't it be better to revisit this without having to feel it too?
I'd love to know how you try to connect to your therapist. I feel like the younger part of me is completely connected and so needy...and is pretty angry too and she doesn't want me to shut her up. She goes between trusting completely and being terrified of any conflict or disruption. But it really is the adult who doesn't fully trust that he can handle all of this and won't hurt me.
Last night I had a dream that I was having sex with my husband while my father was having sex with me. And my mother and my therapist were in the door watching and talking about me. My mother was so matter of fact about "I told her how similar her husband was to her father" and my therapist was sort of saying this didn't have to happen but still not doing anything about it. Meanwhile my father and my husband are talking about me and how much better looking I use to be when I was younger.
When I talked about the dream today in therapy, my therapist commented on how I was "sandwiched" between the two of them, very much how I feel now. And how I still feel like no one will intervine, because I got myself into this mess. Not even him. He also asked me if perhaps the mom parts of me that are beginning to see connections to the past weren't being represented by him observing. I don't know...I just found the whole thing confusing and upsetting. There is a lot of that these days. I guess I want him to save me from the pain but you can't undo the past so you can't undo the pain.
I've been going nearly every day for 3 weeks. Are you still going as much? This only adds to the terror that he will, indeed, be sick of it all soon. But everytime I tell him this, he just reminds me that what works to calm me down is to write about it and to call him. He wants to know what is happening and doesn't mind at all. He says this is just where we are in therapy.
*sigh* Will you share your ice cream? I bought carmel fudge this time.
Posted by gardenergirl on September 15, 2004, at 21:38:04
In reply to Re: Just Need to Babble - sorry, long » daisym, posted by Pfinstegg on September 15, 2004, at 20:28:54
> I go hope with swollen, red eyes, and even eat a whole pint of chocolate chip ice cream in my desperation!
I think this typo is kind of sweet and telling. I go home with red swollen eyes often, too (well, actually I go to Starbucks first...), but it is almost always with the HOPE that this is a good process and the pain I feel in the moment is therapeutic and will lead to relief and better days...
:)
gg
Posted by daisym on September 15, 2004, at 21:39:53
In reply to Re: Just Need to Babble - sorry, long, posted by shrinking violet on September 15, 2004, at 21:31:48
Thanks for the hug SV. I need it tonight.
I'm trying hard to hang onto the good parts of therapy and peace seems a long way off. I guess we have to go through the tunnel to come out on the other side. It's just really dark in that tunnel right now. I need someone to lend me a flashlight or at least hold up sparklers so I can be a little more sure I'm moving in the right direction. I feel often like I've gotten turned around and I am going backwards.
Posted by gardenergirl on September 15, 2004, at 21:46:28
In reply to Re: Just Need to Babble - sorry, long » Pfinstegg, posted by daisym on September 15, 2004, at 21:36:40
Daisy,
This must be so hard and so intense. I think in some ways it's natural for you to go back to memories at times. I think it's an ebb and flow. As you become more experienced and adept (you are, you know...) at processing this with your T, you have more you are ready to add to the mix.And then of course your adult self is saying Hold, enough! You never volunteered for or signed up for this pain. You are valiantly dealing with it, meltdowns included, and of course you might get tired of it.
Your T will not. Let me repeat that. Your T will not get tired of it or tired of you. He knows what he is "in for" and knows what it is going to take. I assume he also has mechanisms in place in his real life to provide whatever sustenance and support he needs. He will not leave you. He will not leave young Daisy. He's glue.
I hope you are able to squeeze in some Daisy time at home or work just for you. Not therapy, not family, not work. Just Daisy. You need to keep recharged, too. Hopefully this thread has helped. I'll try to look for you in Open earlier in evenings. As it gets darker here, that should get easier. :)
I wish you peace, Daisy. You deserve no less.
Warmly,
gg
Posted by Pfinstegg on September 15, 2004, at 23:14:19
In reply to Re: Just Need to Babble - sorry, long » Pfinstegg, posted by daisym on September 15, 2004, at 21:36:40
I guess you know that I go to a psychoanalyst (one who specializes in childhood trauma, PTSD and dissociation), so I do go every day. I really need to, I think, to do this kind of work, and I feel very fortunate to be able to financially. It's so interesting that your *child* and mine play such differing roles. My mother was mentally ill when I was an infant and child, and really an absence more than a presence. Unfortunately, my father, while not as ill as she was, was cruel and sadistic, choosing me (of the three children) to beat severely, criticize and be quite menacing to sexually.
I grew up on a farm. I was really more attached to the meadows, streams and the animals than any people. There just wasn't anyone to trust. To establish contact with the girl, my analyst, whose office has glass doors on one side, sometimes mentions the birds at his balcony feeders, the fresh air coming through the windows,or the pretty stream which flows in a little park beneath the balcony, He tells the girl what birds he has noticed along the stream, and has also invited her to walk along the stream, maybe after a session (I haven't done that yet). If, on a trip to the mountains, he has seen a flower he likes, he'll mention that, because he knows I have always loved them. He encourages me to fantasize how the girl would like his office to be- in particular if she would like any animals in there. He keeps coming back to these simple things in between painful talks about the loneliness and abuse. I know it sounds a bit odd, but the dissociated girl seems to care more about these things than anything else, and it always strengthens her trust in him to have him join her world. It helps her be able to disclose her painful secrets. As my analyst has slowly gained understanding of what
the girl's world was really like, he does everything he can to join her in it. I appreciate that so much, or, I guess I should say, *she* does.I dissociated myself almost completely from this girl, and grew up to become a doctor, who has always felt and acted very compassionate. Being loving towards my own family, friends and community is always what has meant the most to me. It wasn't until I entered analysis that I began to fully remember how the girl acted and felt. Of course, chronic anxiety and depression always signalled that something was really wrong, but it had to get pretty severe before I wanted to really look at all the memories i had pushed out of my mind. I'm really glad I'm able to do it, and know it's helping slowly, but it's awfully hard, isn't it?
Posted by daisym on September 15, 2004, at 23:22:48
In reply to Re: Just Need to Babble - sorry, long, posted by gardenergirl on September 15, 2004, at 21:46:28
GG,
There are tears in my eyes. I want to believe everything you wrote... I guess there is still old guilt for starting therapy for a completely different reason and ending up here, in this mess. He didn't know what he was getting himself into.
He reminds me that he is known for long term therapy and he is in it for the long haul. But geez, how long is long?! And how much of this do I let her tell him? And how detailed am I supposed to get...I still use such broad general terms and expressions. I wish I knew the "rules", GG,...it is hard for someone like me to just dump it all out there and expect someone to be OK with it.
I've been stuck on the same writing assignment for months...write about an abusive episode putting in every detail you can remember. Every one. Last time I tried, I wrote about the ceiling. Actually a bunch of ceilings. I gave it to my therapist and said I feel like this is really, really important but I really don't know why. So now he has asked on several occasions for me to tell him about the ceiling. But I can't go there again. I sort of shrug and talk about something else. Which tells me that it IS important in some way. But until I figure out what is down that path, I'm not going there.
And that is this ongoing fight. I'm afraid to go down and a path and take him with me if I don't know where it is leading. Because I don't know what he will say about the destination once we arrive.
I guess I still have a lot of work to do around trust. You'd think after a year I'd be further along than this!
Thanks again for the warm thoughts. They are very much appreciated.
Daisy
Posted by daisym on September 15, 2004, at 23:46:31
In reply to Re: Just Need to Babble - sorry, long » daisym, posted by Pfinstegg on September 15, 2004, at 23:14:19
It is awfully hard. What you shared is beautiful and tragic. I took over running our household at 12 because my mother worked 6 days a week in a man's job (!) and my dad had moved very far away. Before he left, we lived in a war zone. They fought all he time and/or he was angry with us kids. Egg-shell walking was a gold medal event at my house. But I was his favorite for a very long time...but the wrong kind of favoritism. And what she is telling us now is that she did attempt to fight back, to say no as she got older. And that was met with anger and brutality. And I'm just devasted. I guess because it is easier to think that what he did he did because he loved me too much, not because he was meeting his own needs. And it is harder and harder for me to believe that when she is telling all this other stuff. Ultimately, he left her. Moved away. So I've very recently figured out that confrontations for me are very hard because I assume abandonment will be the outcome. It is a subtle thing. But I have the best diplomacy skills of anyone I know so that we never get to the confrontation stage. But here at home, illness and medications make reasoning impossible sometimes. There are tremendous outbursts (steroids at work) and temper tantrums. So she feels like I've put her in an abusive situation again. Yet I feel like I have a responsibility to take care of things and deal with this.
My therapist navigates this by asking me to take baby steps to protect her. To stand up for myself (and her) just a little. He also wants me to see that letting her tell her stories is a way of letting her stand up for herself. But I see this as confrontation and we go right back to the abandonment fears.
I'm glad my therapist is a smart a**. He lightens things at just the right time and gently teases me about certain things. He gets his point across pretty effectively that way. He also remembers to promise the child things she needs...like the fact that it is her turn or that she can call him. I've also noticed that when we have a really hard session or week, he often gives me some small piece of information about his life. It is clearly a trade..."you trusted me with something of your life, so I'm trusting you with something of my life". It feels like a sweet gift of sorts. Not big things...just tiny things, like where he was from originally or his favorite book. But it is bonding somehow. I think it provides a level of balance. (or I'm completely wacked out and looking for things...)
Have you ever asked your therapist how he takes care of himself? I'm thinking about doing that tomorrow. I need to reassure myself that he does have the resources and supports he needs.
Posted by daisym on September 15, 2004, at 23:47:45
In reply to Re: Just Need to Babble - sorry, long, posted by daisym on September 15, 2004, at 23:46:31
Posted by Aphrodite on September 16, 2004, at 7:00:42
In reply to Re: Just Need to Babble - sorry, long, posted by daisym on September 15, 2004, at 23:46:31
I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I'm sure the frequency of your visits while supportive is probably causing so much rumination and memories. Actually, I do this anyway, therapy or not. I know the feeling of wishing there was some sort of a timeline, like by Christmas I will be past this one particular event, etc. Ultimately, I'd like to know when I won't need this type of intense support at all. Also, I look forward to the integration of the older and younger parts of me. At present that have such polarizing goals that there is nothing but constant inner turmoil with the diplomatic me trying to keep some sort of peace and normalcy. As superficial as it sounds, my main goal is to make sure my perfect facade doesn't start cracking -- I am completely invested in hiding this kind of pain.
I support your idea of finding out how your T takes care of himself. My T and I have had many conversations about this, and it brings a world of relief. He was very open about his own therapy and how I've been a part of that and how he discusses me there. He also will narrate his own internal struggle in responding to me. For example, once when I tried to avoid a topic, he explained, "I was thinking, 'Should I gently try to bring her back?' 'Does she need a break?'" It was immensely helpful to find out how he reacts internally to thing things I divulge.
Hope you find some moments of peace.
Posted by terrics on September 16, 2004, at 8:20:03
In reply to Just Need to Babble - sorry, long, posted by daisym on September 15, 2004, at 19:08:57
to Daisy (((((hugs)))) terrics
Posted by Susan47 on September 16, 2004, at 8:30:30
In reply to Re: Just Need to Babble - sorry, long » daisym, posted by terrics on September 16, 2004, at 8:20:03
There isn't anything I could say that would make this different for you and I wanted you to know I feel feel feel for you so much.(((DaisyM)))
Posted by fallsfall on September 16, 2004, at 9:14:14
In reply to Just Need to Babble - sorry, long, posted by daisym on September 15, 2004, at 19:08:57
((((((((((daisy))))))))))
((((((((((Daisy))))))))))You said:
>And how I still feel like no one will intervine, because I got myself into this mess.
*** This sounds so blaming. Like you decided when you were 6 or 7 that you wanted to be abused. You will say "But I didn't get myself *out* of this mess" - you were a child, Daisy. If you look at how hard it is to even *see* the mess now, and how it is almost impossible for you to change things in the here and now, how could you possibly expect yourself to have changed things then?
*** But, even if you *were* to "blame", why would that mean that noone would intervene? Does not stopping things when you were in elementary school mean that you are so base and vile that noone would consider you worthwhile enough to intervene? I can't speak for anyone else, but we have talked quite a bit and I think that I do know you pretty well - *I* will certainly intervene for you. I wish you could see you as I do.
>He reminds me that he is known for long term therapy and he is in it for the long haul. But geez, how long is long?!
*** "Long" is as long as it takes. I know you wanted to be done in 6 months (OK, 6 weeks). I guess I started being more patient with my own therapy when I started to think that maybe I was "worth" it (this seems very strange to me, to say this, but I think that I truly do now feel that therapy will help me and that I could be something other than negative for the world - notice that I didn't say that I would be anything positive...). You are ***SOOOO*** worth it.
>And how much of this do I let her tell him?
>And how detailed am I supposed to get...I still use such broad general terms and expressions. I wish I knew the "rules", GG,...it is hard for someone like me to just dump it all out there and expect someone to be OK with it.
*** You let her tell it all. If she knows it, if she can remember it, then she should be allowed to tell it. All of the details. Not just euphemisms and suggestions of what happened. All of it. *HE* is strong enough to hear it all. Noone protected *her* from the details, and they were devistating to her, but it is different for him. *He* doesn't have to live the details, and he is a grownup, and he is trained to handle these things, and he does have support for himself. He is not vulnerable like she was because it is not *his* life. He can keep her company without living it himself.
>And that is this ongoing fight. I'm afraid to go down and a path and take him with me if I don't know where it is leading.
*** The unknown is terrifying. But you are talking about protecting *him* as you go down the path. You don't need to protect him. He has his education, and his peers, and his supervision, and his family to take care of him. Taking care of him isn't your job.
*** Those of us who are planners, who don't do spontaneous, are so afraid that we will end up in a place where we can't handle it. That is why you are taking him with you. Just like when he said that maybe you needed to fall apart, and being in his office with him was probably the safest place that you could be if you *did* fall apart. Trust that he will help you handle it.
>Because I don't know what he will say about the destination once we arrive.
*** By "the destination" do you mean when he knows the truth? Are you worried that if he knew the whole truth that he would leave you? Have you told him anything yet that pushed him away, made him back away from you? But I bet that you are surprised that this knowledge, so far, *didn't* drive him away - so maybe, just maybe, you can consider the possibility that things you tell him in the future won't drive him away either.
>I guess I still have a lot of work to do around trust. You'd think after a year I'd be further along than this!
*** You HAVE made amazing progress. I would bet that if you read some of your early posts that it would be obvious that you *have* made progress in trust (even to "those" who vehemently believe that you haven't). And... *who* wrote the schedule for where you "should" be? How much experience did that person have with this kind of project when the schedule was decided upon?
>Have you ever asked your therapist how he takes care of himself? I'm thinking about doing that tomorrow. I need to reassure myself that he does have the resources and supports he needs.
*** What a great idea. My first therapist described her supervision group for me, and would refer to discussions that she had with my pdoc. It helped me to know that other people were suggesting other perspectives for her to view things from. I objected to my current therapist when he tried to schedule a phone call during his vacation a year ago - but he told me that he had carefully considered his needs, and that he would prefer me to talk to him in the middle of his vacation than have to pick up the pieces when he got back. It will be interesting to see what your therapist does to take care of himself.
*** You are doing amazing and incredibly difficult work. I *have* to believe that, in the end, it will be worth it.
Love,
Falls.
Posted by gardenergirl on September 16, 2004, at 12:28:12
In reply to Re: Just Need to Babble - sorry, long, posted by daisym on September 15, 2004, at 23:22:48
> GG,
>
> There are tears in my eyes. I want to believe everything you wrote... I guess there is still old guilt for starting therapy for a completely different reason and ending up here, in this mess. He didn't know what he was getting himself into.Daisy, if you knew everything that was in your unconscious, you wouldn't need therapy. I like to think that therapists are prepared for twists and turns. I know from my own experience with clients that the first thing they come in with as a "presenting problem" is often not the real issue at all. It's like a "try on" issue to see if therapy is okay and safe. And it provides an opportunity for the relationship to develop before delving into bigger things.
>
> And how much of this do I let her tell him? And how detailed am I supposed to get...I still use such broad general terms and expressions. I wish I knew the "rules", GG,...it is hard for someone like me to just dump it all out there and expect someone to be OK with it.I think the only "rules" are what works for you. I think I understand wanting to do it right and not making a breech of therapy etiquette. But I really don't know how that can happen. Unless you were someone who got some kind of gratification or reinforcement out of sharing very intimate details (and I'm sure that is not you), then whatever you need to tell is right.
>
> >
> And that is this ongoing fight. I'm afraid to go down and a path and take him with me if I don't know where it is leading. Because I don't know what he will say about the destination once we arrive.I'm like this in some ways, too. I always want to have things figured out before I bring them into therapy. That's kind of putting the cart before the horse, eh? I do this at the doctor's too.
>
> I guess I still have a lot of work to do around trust. You'd think after a year I'd be further along than this!I was struggling with this, too. I just yesterday told my T something I have been withholding for more than a year from him. Heck, I didn't even tell my hubby for three years. At first I told myself that I didn't tell my T because I wanted to protect him and I wasn't sure I completely trusted what his response would be. But over the last week I discovered another piece to it. If I told him, it would make it real. I couldn't pretend about it any more. I would have to pull my head out of the sand. Of course now I want to dive right back in there and play ostrich, but now it feels kind of silly. I know that at least HE can see me, even if I can't see him! :) I don't know if that is any part of your distress, but it was an important realization for me.
>
> Thanks again for the warm thoughts. They are very much appreciated.
> DaisyAnytime, sweets.
GG
>
Posted by daisym on September 16, 2004, at 12:55:53
In reply to Re: Just Need to Babble - sorry, long » daisym, posted by gardenergirl on September 16, 2004, at 12:28:12
GG,
I know you've been struggling with telling him this secret of yours. It has come up in posts before. How did he react?
And yes, I totally understand the head in the sand concept. I often blurt something and then don't bring it up again for several sessions. Which is why we agreed recently that it would be OK for him to "nudge" me.
I guess the struggle is partly because I'm such an information hound that I keep getting conflicting information about the best way to "tell" so much of this. The idea that there is power in the words resonates with me so using the right ones to dissipate the emotions is important.
I just didn't think it would be this hard
Posted by gardenergirl on September 16, 2004, at 13:22:25
In reply to Good for you! » gardenergirl, posted by daisym on September 16, 2004, at 12:55:53
Daisy,
Thanks for asking. He was pretty stone-faced. But then he knew in advance how much I was worried about seeing any smidgeon of disappointment or rejection on his face. Now of course, I want to know what his internal reaction was...LOL. He came up with some practical questions and such, some I hadn't thought of. Some okay, some even scarier. He left it on the surface a lot. And reminded me I didn't need to make any decisions on doing anything about it today. He let me change the subject a couple of times and gently prodded me towards expressing some feeling about it when I came back to it. He as always tied everything together at the end. But he was a little off on some things...at one point he made a very specific interpretation about something I was speaking more generally about. So I think it did startle him at the very least.You know, you are right about the power of words. My T and I sometimes go off on a tangent about word choices. It's fun, and educational, but still a tangent, usually. But honestly, whatever words you use, if he understands and you are expressing yourself, it's okay. Honestly. And your word choices may and probably are very different from little Daisy's.
gg
Posted by Poet on September 16, 2004, at 16:34:48
In reply to Just Need to Babble - sorry, long, posted by daisym on September 15, 2004, at 19:08:57
Hi Daisy,
Your therapist will not abandon you. He'll be there as long as you need him to be, that means all of you- inner children and grown up you.
Letting your inner child talk in therapy was very important. It shows that you are in contact with her and not denying her existence or the things that happened when you were little.
I know how hard it is for you to talk about it in therapy and I'm proud that you could.
Poet
Posted by daisym on September 16, 2004, at 18:50:21
In reply to Re: Just Need to Babble - sorry, long » daisym, posted by fallsfall on September 16, 2004, at 9:14:14
<<<But, even if you *were* to "blame", why would that mean that noone would intervene? ...I can't speak for anyone else, but we have talked quite a bit and I think that I do know you pretty well - *I* will certainly intervene for you. I wish you could see you as I do.
Falls, you always say just the right thing. Today she was REALLY out and talking. And asking questions, especially about her mother not knowning. And she look at our therapist and asked him if she had told him about all of this when it was happening, would he have told? He sat up completely straight, looked directly in her eyes and said, "Yes. I would have told. And made it stop." She lost it completely at this point and sobbed that so many people would have been in trouble. And he said he knew that, but it would have been best for her. She said she was sad she didn't know him then. And he said he was too. But he was here now to help her so she could talk as much as she wanted. And then she cried and cried. He just talked softly as she cried about how she needed to let it all out and how it was safe here to cry. And when I finally stopped and pulled "us" back together, there was a strange relief. I told him it was like she had told him for the first time, which is strange because I have been talking about all this for months. He said he hoped she would come back and talk to him again...she could ask more questions and set the agenda.
I did ask him about how he takes care of himself. He actually thanked me for my concern and told me about his collegues, friends and family and said each one provided a different kind of support but that he was really good at taking care of himself. And for me to stop reading the internet stuff that says therapists get burned out when working with abuse victims. This wasn't him. We also talk about gender again, given the male/female dynamic and the general recommendation that females who have been sa find a female therapist. He asked me if I thought I need a change (no!) because he thought we were working well together. I told him I was just worried about it all being too much for him.
So, long, hard session to end a long hard week. Thank you for everything else you wrote. I need to read it a hundred times but it helps to hear it. And to know you believe I'm worth all this.
(((Falls)))
Posted by daisym on September 16, 2004, at 18:57:04
In reply to Re: Just Need to Babble - sorry, long » daisym, posted by Aphrodite on September 16, 2004, at 7:00:42
moments? I was thinking along the lines of weeks or months! I know you are going through a lot too.
I did ask today how he takes care of himself and he told me. It was reassuring after pouring out so much pain on him today.
I've asked him before what he was thinking and he usually tells me if he is conflicted. He and I have talked about how well tuned my antenna is to another person's feelings, especially frustration and anger. So anytime I think he is frustrated I tend to get freaked. But I've learned to ask and check out if I'm correct. The hardest feelings are when I feel disconnected and I can't tell if it is him or me. Then we have to battle back to our relationship in order for me to feel safe again. And we do this over and over and over again.
I hope it gets easier soon. For both of us.
Posted by daisym on September 16, 2004, at 18:58:29
In reply to Re: Just Need to Babble - sorry, long » daisym, posted by terrics on September 16, 2004, at 8:20:03
Thanks Terrics. I can use all I can get. I hope you are doing well.
Posted by daisym on September 16, 2004, at 18:59:29
In reply to Hugs to Daisy, I'm watching but staying out, posted by Susan47 on September 16, 2004, at 8:30:30
You don't have to worry about jumping in, but thank you for posting that you are thinking about me. I really appreciate it.
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