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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by afraid of everything on July 7, 2005, at 12:09:26
Hi, there
I just don't know what to do now. I risk being kicked out of my apartment because I am a drunk and because my landlords are the opposite of reasonable. I pay rent on time, and am quite pleasant. I don't party. I drink alone at home only, so my drinking has no affect on their property nor their lives. I was taking out the recycling last night, and it wasn't "trash night" so they started screaming at me. I burst into tears, and they said they were not going to talk to me because I was drinking. Which is completely ironic because the first time in AGES I wasn't wasted by 8pm! I guess the amount of bottles astounded and offended them. It's none of their business.
I am a lush, for sure. And I just stopped taking Lexipro prescribed for my severe depression and debilitating anxiety disorder that landed me in the nut-house for a week last December. My trip to the nut-house also cost me my job, and what scraps of dignity and self-respect I had. Off Lexipro cold-turkey because I cannot tolerate the side-effects and because I have no health insurance, no doctor, no money, and now no hope. I desparately need help, but am terrified if I go to the doctor, they will put me back in the hospital. My stay in December was OK - except they kept telling me I am alcoholic, and I was like "no kidding" but I am also sober right now and much prefer being drunk to being paranoid, suicidal, hallucinating, terrified, riddled with guilt for no apparent reason, etc.... Anyway, as soon as they set me free, I went home, drank half a bottle of vodka, and cut my wrists to pieces. The next day, I got evicted from my apartment - not because of me, but because the owners sold off the units as condos, so kicked us all out. (Bad luck with landlords, eh?). Anyway, I moved back home cross-country, got a great temp-to-perm job, which I am afraid I am going to lose. I couldn't stop crying this morning, am having severe withdrawal from the Lexipro (tremers, hallucinations, paranoia, vomitting). I had to leave work early. Now I am out of cigarettes but am too shaken up to go to the store and afraid I'll run into the "recycling police". Does anyone have any suggestions on dealing with withdrawal and insane landlords, possible homelessness? Please don't say AA - I have an aversion, on top of being afraid to leave the house. Thanks for listening.
Posted by antigua on July 7, 2005, at 13:55:30
In reply to withdrawal - booze, lexipro, dignity, posted by afraid of everything on July 7, 2005, at 12:09:26
I'm so sorry you feel this way. About two years ago I was going through the same thing and didn't know where to turn. My doctor had given me the number of a clinic the last time I'd seen her (she quit several years ago) and I must have saved it for a reason. Once I made the call for help, I felt a million times better. Maybe you could find a program, too. I had tried to quit alcohol so many times on my own, but that was too hard--and it didn't work.
Having someone on the journey with you makes it less isolating--you just have to reach out for that help. If you don't want to go to a meeting, call a hotline or a clinic. You won't have to say much, they know what to say to help you, and they won't strip you of your dignity. It's an illness, not a weakness of character.
Post if it helps,
antigua
Posted by Anon2005 on July 8, 2005, at 17:16:07
In reply to withdrawal - booze, lexipro, dignity, posted by afraid of everything on July 7, 2005, at 12:09:26
I'm sorry that things are so bad for you. Trust me, many of us have been there. When I was at my lowest, I found an angel of a pysch who was willing to see me gratis AND provide me with pharmaceutical samples of my SSRI since I had no job at the time and no health insurance.
Please keep your head up.
Posted by cockeyed on July 12, 2005, at 0:29:12
In reply to withdrawal - booze, lexipro, dignity, posted by afraid of everything on July 7, 2005, at 12:09:26
hi, I read your post and it stopped me cold. I wish cold sober but I'm coming off a week of going back to the bad "good ole days".
I have a nerve trying to "help" but here goes. AA probably saved my life and for ten years I didn't drink. But I became disabled and got really envious of all the "and god came into my life and now..." I also underwent a change in personality after major surgery...whatever I know longer could sit thru a meeting. I really need to get back but I can't. So I know where your coming from. If you have a phone, call the hot lines or whatever they call them. People are there who can help. And google for local support groups and agencies.
I had to quit lexapro because of side effects. I'm back on prozac which rings my bell a bit.
Much to my dismay, I've found that much of my depression and dread come after the high of vodka or whiskey or whatever swill I can manage...hell, I like the taste of listerine. but once up the hill, it's down for me. Now, it's worse because my family won't tolerate me getting "happy" Whci to me means nice and blasted but able to function, etc. [I used to make a point of saving my bottles and bringing them to the local park for discrete disposal. I like to drink alone...altho this last blast came with friends who told me I was really loud and obnoxious...I thought I was having fun. More when I start a new thread.
And cutting up. Every now and then I think, this is hell. I'll slit my arteries from elbow to wrist...and go out in the tub. Of course this is a form of mentally playing with myself. But I don't dare own a gun. I'm nuts...there's a part of me that partakes of my maternal family tradition of self destruction.
Now, while I'm waxing hypocritical. I bleieve in nothing anymore. But when I get to a really bad place, I lie on the floor and beg god, any god, that I just give up and will try to let a leap of faith overcome my pride. The pride is phoney anyway. But booze comes with a special price for me...waking up the next day...full of depression dread and anxiety. Gotta go get another fifth or two jugs of red.
I don't know if this makes any sense. I spent all of sunday sleeping off a bottle of canadian club. I just wanted a coupla shots. Wound up with an empty and an empty pint of cheap vodka. So here I am trying to help. If you can possibley stomach it, try AA. In fact try anything you can because you are in a bad bad place. Hell. And keep on hitting these boards, they've taken the place of confession and church for me. I'm plain sick of my family and they of me. But, f* 'em if they can't take a joke. I was always there for them....oops, there I go off on being rotten. time to quit.
You too. the sacred stuff has turned on you.
wish I could make more sense and offer more help and support. But keep trying. cockeyed.
Posted by afraid of everything on July 18, 2005, at 8:42:31
In reply to Re: withdrawal - booze, lexipro, dignity » afraid of everything, posted by cockeyed on July 12, 2005, at 0:29:12
Hi, Cockeyed
Thank you for your message and for your concern. I have been feeling better.. I think. After that paticularly bad day, I didn't have a drink for 5 days, so I only had to deal with the lexipro withdrawal and the crying fits. I not only didn't lose my job, I got a raise! That is the terrifying part of me. I get so desparate sometimes - everything sucks and I entertain suicide, have had too many attempts to count. It's terrifying. Then something great will happen - I'll get a raise, or get laid, or find a marvelous pair of shoes, and know close I came to ending it all and missing this great stuff that happens occassionally. I understand the "discreet disposal" of bottles - I do not have that "luxury", as my watchdog landlords are always at the bottom of the stairs, hairy eyeballs all-around. Their judgement is torturous. They obviously have their own personal issues with alcohol - nice Italian girls shouldn't drink - giving me nasty looks and snide comments is not going to stop my drinking. AAAAAaarrrrrrggg!!!! Why can't they just leave me the f*ck alone?! That, coupled with my family's judgement, is going to push me over the edge, I tell you. Do they really mean well? I wonder. Or do they do it to make themselves feel pious and better than I? I need to stress that I am not a social nor obnoxious drunk. Got my fill of that in my 20's. Sheesh - last week or whenever it was, when I had my meltdown at work, I sent my mother and sister an e-mail, letting them know I was suffering ghastly lexipro withdrawal, and leaving work early. I got this sanctimonious reply from AA-zombie-sister (hense my aversion) telling me the wonders of AA and how I shouldn't be drinking on lexipro, and even better, quitting drinking has has an amazing benefit to her life and I should go to a meeting with her. Umm..? Did you read me message, Ms. Holier than thou? I am going through LEXIPRO WITHDRAWAL - what does this have to do with drinking? Her "plugs" only make me want to drink a 40 of malt liquor in her car and drunk-dial her at 9am. My mother didn't even bother replying. (Did I mention that in my e-mail to them I said I called the hospital and the hospital suggested I go to the psychiatric emergency room, that lexipro-withdrawal warrants such a trip?) Mom called later and said she really feels that I am not experiencing withdrawal - that what I am experiencing is the affect of being off my meds. Umm..? Thanks, Mum, but before I starting taking meds, I was not hallucinating and didn't experience electric volts shooting through my scalp and hands. I detest being labeled a drunk and a head-case. These are just two delightful parts of my dazzling personality. The landlords infuriate me, I cry at commercials, I get excited by small successes on the j-o-b, and very angry and depressed by my brother's psychotic bride-to-be's hatred of his family. These are normal feelings and emotions, right? I can't even share them with my family because they start diagnosing me - I just feel this way because I am drunk and/or crazy. It is so unfair! AAaarggg! No wonder I drink! My old boyfriend is visiting me this week. We got into a wicked fight last night, and he blamed it on my drinking. Nice. Another tunnel-vision victim. He came here BROKE. He's done this to me a hundred times - I give him a $20 for (what else?) beer, and he comes back with no change then has the nerve to complain that I drank all the beer! Buy some more, bastard! Why don't you use the change you stole from me?! Yes, I am angry. Don't I have a right to feel this way? We can't even go out for dinner, or buy those huge cans of Fosters and drink them on the beach because he is BROKE. My apologies that my idea of a houseguest and vacation is not sitting on the couch watching On-Demand for 16 hours straight. Yes, I am angry! I took time off work for this? He says the only reason I am mad is because I have been drinking. It couldn't possibly be from feeling like I am being taking advantage of and taken for granted and honestly bored to tears, could it? I am sick and tired of the suspicion. Everyone in the world gets headaches - why do people assume mine must be from a hangover? Everyone in the world gets sad and mad - why conclude that I do because I am either drunk or chemically-unbalanced? I don't think that's helpful to me. It doesn't seem to me that their judgements are supportive and borne of love and caring. I am always there for everyone, a bleeding-heart, a caring friend above everything. Why can't I get the same? What is it about me that invites people to judge me? Why can't my landlords just leave me alone? Why? Why? Good news is that I made some calls, and because of my income, I get free health care. I start therapy in two weeks - there is a God.
Posted by muffled on July 19, 2005, at 22:50:45
In reply to Re: withdrawal - booze, lexipro, dignity, posted by afraid of everything on July 18, 2005, at 8:42:31
I used to drink. for a lotta years. It was EVERYTHING to me. EVERYTHING. I lived to drink. But things started to fall apart, my mind, my body, then son of a *itch, the d*mn stuff stopped working. I tried everything, diff. brands, types, time of day, mixing w/drugs, lots, little, fast, slow- NOTHING worked. Booze just didn't do its thing no more. B*stard turned on me. Ended up hospitalized, I'd lost my best friend, my life. Took me a long time to get over it. But now I'm doing ok (10+ years)- still miss my friend the bottle. Still hits me in the gut now and again how bad I miss it. But I am definately better off without it. I could never see it at the time. Alcoholics are supreem deniers and liars, to ourselves and others. Dunno who or what took the booze away from me- some higher power I guess, there was no ever loving way I'd had done it myself. So stopping drinking IS possible, and it IS good. I don't miss the fear, guilt, shakes, DT's, blackouts, hurting those I cared about, etc- don't miss that at all.Its hard work but worth it. Now hopefully my greatest fear will never happen, that I'll be having DT,s and have no money to buy booze and I'll be lying on the street with people stepping around me, pissed my pants, then some cop drags me in the alley and kicks me some to keep me out of the way for awhile. Do wanna go there man. Don't have to now.
Posted by JMC on July 26, 2005, at 13:43:15
In reply to Re: withdrawal - booze, lexipro, dignity, posted by muffled on July 19, 2005, at 22:50:45
Ok here goes, I’ll see if I can make a lucid argument that makes a dent
1) It is not the bottle it is an attitude. The attitude is “F*it”. But in reality it is “F*ourselves” For a million reasons that don’t mean a thing, but mean everything. We are mad because our ability to “turn it off” no longer works. It is like the remote broke on the TV and you have to get up and change the channel, adjust the sound… manually. I know it is a royal pain. Over and over SSDD Same S*Different Day.
2) Speaking of pain, that is what you are in. Most diseases come with pain. So detox with help it will ease the short term pain. When some one in AA says “this to shall pass” think to your self B.S. Some people never forget. Some people never forgive. Some things never go away. This is their baggage; you were not placed on this earth to make others happy. They are responsible for their own happiness. Just as you are responsible for your own.
3) Don’t worry about family, jobs, land lords, love, friendship, yes it is part their fault, alcoholics are easy targets, active we get taken big time. But don’t worry they wont be around much longer. They will leave. Then the “F*it” attitude will be for the loss. Another great reason to get toasted “F*it”. This is where rational thought comes in; we know what we have to do for ourselves.
4) Trapped in a vicious circle are you not? Here comes a platitude so duck “Life is a do it your self job” You are #1. Take care of you. Make the call. Not the I am sorry call but the I need help call. Not to friends but to a professional or a crisis line. Drink get sloppy, blame the world, friends, family, lovers, and wake up, feel guilty, drink it away, another day. Vicious circle, break it today, to hell with every one else right now.
5) Stop carrying around that baggage it is old and stinks drop it right were you stand. Don’t try to give it to any one, thinking I’ll show you, waste of time, Just drop it.
6) Stopping the drink is easy four days of physical pain then, It hits out of the blue if you make the rational effort. It is just a bad drug for what you are trying to cure. Sober for 10 days or so and you physically do not need another drink. The hard part is living with the detritus of an imploded life. Great reason to say “F*it” again, but you won’t. why?
7) This is a disease; I really doubt you asked for this on a conscious level. Like asking for cancer. Of course I wanted cancer, just die get it over with, I am worthless. If that is what I really wanted I would have committed suicide way before this point. Rationally we want to live, and rationally you will.
8) After detox try to find a residential treatment program that does not try to load you up on psychotropic drugs out of the gate. It takes a good 10-15 days of observation to see if another diagnosis or issue is under the alcohol abuse. Are you self medicating for; Major Depression, Panic and Anxiety disorders, Post Traumatic Stress? This is called Dual Diagnosis, and all treatable. Of course your Dual Diagnosis may just be Alcohol and your and A* hole. Welcome to the club. But give it the time to find out before you get gorked out on psychotropic meds; Prozac, Lexapro, Paxel, Lithium, Xanax………… If you have a family Doc use him or her to guide you to the right people.
9) You may still have someone that loves you, don’t burn that bridge. I did and it made the journey a little harder.
10) And last it is all about you. Spend the time now, or it will be forced on you later
Cheers,
JMC
Posted by afraid of everything on July 26, 2005, at 18:09:00
In reply to Re: withdrawal - booze, lexipro, dignity, posted by JMC on July 26, 2005, at 13:43:15
thank you for your wisdom! I like how you ended the message with "cheers" :)
A lot of what you say makes sound sense. I guess I am truly not alone in this. I know I need to get my act together, I know I have serious problems. I have indeed been diagnosed with major depresssion, major anxiety dosorder, and PTSD - my doctor called it "multiple-morbidity" or something equally as "morbid". I was attacked by two filthy crack-heads several years ago - smashed me in the face with a bottle as I was minding my own business walking home from a friend's house. I've haven't been the same since. That's when all the heavy illegal drug-use ended, and enter - heavy drinking. Paxil made me fat, sweaty, and certifiable. Lexipro made me fat, sweaty, and boring. Doctor won't give me any valium or adavan because of my suicide attempts and cutting. God, I sound crazier in writing. Vicious circle - you bet ya! Not so much the waking up and heading for the bottle (that's the occassional weekend, but haven't done that in a while), but more the $64,000 question: am I a lunatic because I drink so much, or do I drink so much because I am a lunatic? I guess I'd get my $64K if I just stopped drinking and see what happens, but I can't seem to do this for any reasonable amount of time. Last night, for example, I went out for drinks after work with some co-workers. I had two marguaritas then had a massive anxiety attack (became overwhelmingly self-conscience and started to tremble), made a beeline for the subway and cried the whole way home. Everyone had a terrific time, and they all came in hung-over. I was so envious, and felt so left out - why did I have an attack? Why can't I go out and if I drink too much, come in hung-over but blissful, telling fun stories from the night before? I wake up and want to jump off the roof. I feel like I am walking around with layers and layers and layers of soaking wet clothes, and I can'r run and I can't get out of my own way. So, yes, guess it's easier for now to just have a drink and say f*ck it - I'll start dealing with it tomorrow. I have hope, just not right now, and I dont have the energy, and I am afraid I will fail miserably. I start therapy in a couple weeks. Wish me luck....
Posted by MyLegacy on August 14, 2005, at 23:52:27
In reply to Re: withdrawal - booze, lexipro, dignity, posted by afraid of everything on July 26, 2005, at 18:09:00
Just a quick response to your thread and a very short note to let you know that I PERSONALLY know how you feel and I have two kids (young adults) who have experienced much of what you’ve very effectively articulated. Your thread cut through me like a past knife that used to cut through me every day, sinking deeper and deeper into a spirally state of pain and anguish. A condition that is almost impossible to communicate without the personal experience.
A few real facts to digest regarding your conditions/issues
1. You have a combination of issues/environment/conditions that you most likely cannot effectively combat on your own.
2. Our society has a vast arsenal of drugs, quick-fix, distracters, destroyers, and scams that we all “drift” towards at many times during depression and anxiety. These are compounding forces that often accelerate the downward cycle AND can often become one of the many traps that hold us at bay – actually preventing proven solutions from succeeding for “us.”
3. Think long and hard about the “multiples effect” – sort of a arithmetic representation of just how quickly the results of an equation grow when you have may factors multiplied. When you multiply multiple sources of anxiety times multiple sources of depression times multiple experiences of failure times multiple cases of “giving up” times a bad relationship times a troubled family history times alcohol times a few recreational drugs times a stressful job times an ugly landlord and financial troubles! Anyone can guess the results of this equation. But only you really feel those results – and based on this equation you can see why your “results” are almost impossible to reduce on your own.
4. Based on what I’ve read and additional insight related to response #1 you will find that even if you overcome/change one condition/issue or a single phase of your anxiety and depression, one or more of the additional issues will pull you back down. Your sense of defeat may be stronger than any single solution you apply. This defeat may (short-term) stay overwhelming despite small positive victories. DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP IF YOU CAN’T FIX THIS ON YOUR OWN – no one in their right mind should expect you to.
5. You are not at fault for your current condition/severity and it is unlikely that you alone can pull yourself out and head down a successful path to complete psychological health.
6. Your relatives may be doing more to harm then to help with their naive response and shallow attempts to tell you how to fix your condition. But at the same time don’t blame them for their lack of understanding and their “quick-fix” solutions. We all tend to gravitate to those.
7. Your experiences, responses, anxiety/depression and related conditions are NOT unique – you’re not alone in your fights, you are not alone in your defeats.
8. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT POINT ON THIS LIST – YOU MUST READ THIS. You can truly achieve success and you can overcome your anxiety and depression. You can move away from the negative distractions that often hold you back. You can start to feel success in your life. The spiral that pulls you down can be offset with one (or more) that pull you up – that lead you to overcoming your defeats with success.
9. Item #8 is REAL; thousands have achieved great progress and overwhelming success turning their lives around with help and a very large dose of personal commitment.
10. Success and turn-around may require a substantial lifestyle change, therapy (with a real specialist in this field) and a powerful support system. A group or a person that can and will help guide you through the process and act as an accountability person/group.Now, often those who succeed in the turn-around become the best partners helping others with the same conditions/ailments, often providing an edge over professional therapists that never really live through the pain and nightmares. Your success could lead to the successful turn-around of hundreds of others with the same problems/syndromes/pain. Those in the same trap feeling discouraged, helpless, and without any hope.
That is the fuel that has driven this response from someone who knows first hand your pain and suffering.
Let me know if I can help.
Posted by afraid of everything on August 21, 2005, at 1:43:46
In reply to Re: withdrawal - booze, lexipro, dignity, posted by MyLegacy on August 14, 2005, at 23:52:27
Hi, there!
I have read your message a hundred times, at least. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thnak you. Thank you for caring, and maybe one day I can help someone, too. Right now, in the middle of my pathetic Hell, I can only be grateful, and try to live.
I had another "giving up" manic episode that landed me yet again in the hospital. God almighty. If you have read my previous postings, you'll know I have fascist landlords (keep this in mind). I went off the deep end and left my (selfish and cruel) brother a barrage of voice mails - because his equally selfish and cruel fiance blocked my e-mail (!!!!!!!!). She sent me a childish e-mail calling me a liar and thanked me "for the laugh". I replied and learned my e-mail was blocked, so I called them and read my e-mail. I forwarded her e-mail to my family which perpetuated a hundred e-mails and phone calls to my brother and to myself. The calls to me were in support, the calls to brother were a last-ditch and ineffective plea to stop this hatred. All was good and fine until my calculating brother and his EVIL fiance embellished and scewed everything I said in my voice mail. I got a horrible message from my father, and surprisingly from my sister. I am in SO MUCH PAIN. I cannot describe the anguish and sadness of not having my brother's support in life. Not only do I not have his support, he has apparently gone to the dark side and has decided to turn what support I do have against me. I am not strong or stable enough to defend myself. I tried but always end up sounding the on-the-edge tragedy I am. Anyway, I called my friend, drank a six-pack and downed a bottle of Advil. I was hysterical and crying. Next thing you know, a policeman and two paramedics and my landlord were in my apartment. What a sceen. After much negotiating, which I lost, they took me downstairs and outside to a crowd surrounding "my" ambulance. A holy horror. The paramedics were making fun of me, saying "this cry for attention" worked and they bet I wouldn't do it again. Fun fun Monday night for them. They kept me in the ER in RESTRAINTS overnight. They moved me to an in-patinet psych ward, and since I wouldn't check myself in voluntarily, they kept me there for a week. In the nut house, the NUT HOUSE for a week. They drugged me with ativan and I slept the whole time. My roommate was CRAZY, stole my underwear (!!!) and told the doctors I was trying to kill her. In this case only, it's good doctors don't take loons seriously. Because I was on ativan and slept the whole time, the nurse siad I had a bad attitude and they wouldn't release me until I attended group, which no one told me I had to do. Group was fun fun fun! I made a white leather sunglass case and painted my toenails a pretty sea-green. If that's not therapy, I don't know what is.
So, they let me leave. I saw a PCP and learned I am in perfect physical health, saw a therapist who suspects I am manic-depressive, joined a gym and I swim for 1 1/2 hous a day, saw my pychic who thinks I have brain damage and thinks that supressed events in my past cannot be supressed anymore and are spilling into my present. I see my therapist Wednesday, and a psychiatrist on Thursday. Who knows what's to come? The great Unknown.
Too tired to write anymore tonight.
Thank you again for your care. You really are an angel. I read your message every day and it helps moe thanI can express. I hope your children are well - they have a wondeerful and dear parent.
This is the end of the thread.
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