Posted by antigua3 on July 30, 2008, at 17:25:17
People on this board have often reported on how they've felt when they've been "labeled," and how much it has upset them to be categorized in a unwelcome way, or in a way that comes as a realization as to what they are dealing with.
I've never really dealt with that before--until last night. I asked my pdoc to characterize the extent of my csa, to the best of his experience. He gave me the usual, "Well, it's really how the person responds, it's not the abuse itself, etc., etc."
I said, "Come on, you know the answer to this. On a scale or contiuum, where does my experience fall?"
"Why is it important to you?"
"So I can put my experience into perspective. I have no idea where my type of experience falls."
So he answered. "Severe." and added that many little parts of it constituted abuse on their own.
I'm devastated. Glad for the answer, but devastated. It hurts so very, very much.
Why should I feel that way? Have I been so much in denial that I haven't seen the truth? Yes, I guess so, and having it classified really, really hurts. But that's part of my condition, so to speak. I don't see the world right, and my view is just so warped on so many levels. I ache to get over this, to understand and let go.
also, he used the words "victim" and "survivor" in our discussion. I have vehement reactions against both those words and I wonder why. Maybe denial again, but I do NOT want to be viewed as a victim.
What I do know is that if I share part of my story with the "outside" world, and thank god not here on babble, people treat me differently. And I've only told a handful of people. Once in group, my T forced me to tell the group what my "problem" was, and later, I swear this is true, one of the guys in the group started to hit on me. Now, NOBODY has ever hit on me before. I hated it, and that's why I don't do groups. If I could find a group that fit my needs, I would join it, but I have yet to feel safe enough to truly look for one.
My I'm chatty today.
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:843105
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080727/msgs/843105.html