Posted by stellabystarlight on July 31, 2008, at 12:20:09
In reply to Re: Labels and names **another csa trigger** sorry, posted by antigua3 on July 31, 2008, at 9:08:52
Hi antigua3,
I'm sorry you had to go through such painful experiences. It's so hard to go through life with trauma in your history. I'm really struggling with my own traumatic memories and trying to come to peace with it, but it's very difficult.
I think you should be so proud of yourself for how far you have come. You're so honest and insightful. I think you've done a great job with yourself so far.
Take care.
stellabystarlight
> > So, where did you think you were on the continuum?
>
> >>My T had once expressed that I was on the right side of the equation, but she's always been reticent to compare my situation w/others. I don't know where I thought I was. I've always minimalized it, and w/o having other experiences to compare it to, I just thought it was relatively normal for that situation. No, that's a lie, I knew it was bad for me, but was fearful that it wouldn't be considered that way in context. That I was just a big baby who had no reason to feel this bad.
>
> I don't think I was able to ask the question until now. I wouldn't have been able to handle it. I can now, and it gives me something to work with. It's like it's contained and I can get my hands around it. It's not so amorphous.
> >
> > I used to say, "at least I didn't have to deal with X" - and X was always something worse I read about. I never saw me in the books or stories.
>
> >>I've never recognized myself either, so I minimalized it yet again, and rationalized that it wasn't so bad.
>
> > I know that one of the things that happens with almost anyone who experiences csa is that they are taught to not believe their own perceptions.
>
> >>This is what I was trying to say in the above posts about CBT. We are taught to NOT trust our own perceptions. Well, I want to take back my ability to trust my perceptions. I want to believe in myself! and not rely on distortions of the past. Because it affects the way I look at the world, and people, and it's distorted. I don't know what "real" is, and I put that word in quotes because I know there is no "real," but there is a healthy way to look at the world, and to judge people and actions, and I want that!
>
> >It is all crazy making. So it is important that your therapist reflect the truth back to you - it was severe - so you can trust your gut about how bad it was.
>
> >>Reflecting the truth back has to be at the appropriate level, I think, is important. By this, I mean the T has to be sure the patient can handle it, accept it and absorb it. Finding out how horrible "it" is can be devastating to self-esteem, etc. if the support isn't in place. I know you know this.
>
>
> > Being abandoned by your mom was probably at least as bad, as far as your psyche is concerned.
>
> >>Yes, it makes for a double whammy. I was sent away a lot for long periods of time (mostly when a new baby was to be born, so add that dynamic in!). The first time I clearly remember is when I was 2 for more than two months (my first csa experience too!), and then repeatedly over the years for indeteterminate lengths. She was also emotionally unavailable for most of the time, and then sent me away as a teenager to live with my father and his new family, which put me back in a horrible place in one way, although there was no sexual abuse, but abject, total neglect. The biggest problem was the unpredictability. I never knew how long I would be gone--or she would be for that matter--and often when I thought it was going to be a certain amount of time, that time was extended or in one case became permanent, which I was totally unprepared for.
>
> Also, her "absence" while my father was sexually abusing me is important, too.
>
> But there are good memories of being with her when I was very young. My T says I couldn't have raised my kids in the way I was able, if I hadn't bonded properly with her. (My T is discounting the help she gave me!)
>
> So, see, in her case, I can hold the good and bad together at the same time. I've come to peace with her, albeit it has been on restricted terms because I refuse to go into all "this" or blame her because it was what it was, and I've come to understand and accept her limitations as a person.
>
> > As far as victim or survivor - again two things to hold at the same time. You were a victim, by definition. The child within you is a victim. In her time, the trauma is fresh. YOU are a survivor, again by definition. But being a survivor doesn't have to define you - it is part of who you are. But I have the same reaction, like being a survivor is some great badge of honor. The trauma is part of our history. But only part.
> >
> >>I'll mull this part over...
>
> Thank you so very much for taking the time to try to understand and offer some fresh insight,
> antigua
poster:stellabystarlight
thread:843105
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080727/msgs/843250.html