Posted by Dinah on August 2, 2008, at 16:11:02
In reply to Re: rofl. I'm back to timebomb issues too., posted by Nadezda on August 2, 2008, at 14:34:07
> Well, the possibilities are that your view of yourself is mistaken; his feelings are stronger than you at the moment feel comfortable with; or he's idealizing you and responding to his idealization. There are probably others.
> I know you're not often wrong, but isn't it possible that he's got his view of you and it's different from yours-- and that either you're more aware of your flaws, and he's more aware of your strengths, or that you value them differently?
Well, anything's possible. But I highly value my abilities to assess myself realistically. I'd have to reorganize my self concept entirely if I admit that my flaws are less than I think. :)
I really don't know about him. I'm going to have to think about it, and try to puzzle it out over time. I have my view of what he thinks of me in terms of strengths and weaknesses. I know he values my commitment and loyalty and my own weird sort of stability. I'll make a huge leap here and say that I think they touch him personally. The way I've fought to relationship. I always say he's very good at it, and he is. But I take the lead in that more often than he does. He responds beautifully. But I think he appreciates how much I value that. I think also that now he understands my odd way of expressing myself, he appreciates what he sees as wisdom in what I say sometimes. Another slighter leap, because he's more likely to say that out loud. Of course, sometimes he thinks what I say is very foolish. And that's no leap at all, because now he's comfortable with me, he lets me know when he thinks I'm being foolish, because he knows I actually like that.
Soooo.... If I put it all together, what do I get? I'm not sure. I think I might be putting too much importance on myself if I say that certain qualities he thinks I have may mean something to him personally. And that that may lead him to overvalue those qualities?
Pure speculation here. Absolute pure speculation. And probably really conceited speculation, so I think I'm going to have to discount it. I know I'm not all that important to him. So I doubt I'd have that much of an impact on him. He often forgets to return my calls for heavens sake. He says he doesn't forget me the moment I walk out of the office, but he acts as if he does.
> As to his feelings-- maybe you're not comfortable with them, or weren't aware of them-- but they are his. He probably can manage them-- and over time, you can too. It could be the surprise-- and then the sense that it's not so pleasant to be surprised, especially by stronger feelings than you had expected. That you're worried you'll disappoint him, or he'll come to his senses? or that he will go off the tracks?It's funny how I manage to make sense of things when I talk them out at Babble. Not unlike therapy itself. I think that the fierceness of his attitude was probably related to how urgently he was trying to get me to see myself from his point of view. It's not that his feelings were stronger, perhaps, but that he felt it was very important to convey them because it was the right moment for me to hear them.
It surprises me that he didn't consider that speaking more urgently would be more likely to make me reject his point of view than accept it. Sometimes he *does* say something that changes my entire way of viewing myself or a situation. But it's never because he ups the intensity. It's because he says something in such a way that it reaches me the way it never did the other thousand times he said it. He found the key to unlock my mind. He didn't force it open. Maybe he thought it was something that couldn't wait for him to patiently try one key after another.
Of course, I usually give him far more credit for thinking these things out than he actually deserves. Most likely he was thinking nothing special at all. Still, I get a lot of good therapy this way - with my imaginary brilliant therapist.
>
> I do have a lot of questions-- but my general sense is that this is unsettling, but, as with other unsettling things, you'll find a way to work with it. Maybe this is harder than some other things-- or different and not what you're used to-- but even if you've regressed for the moment, it's not a permanent state.I think my regression may be a separate thing. I explained it in the post immediately above this one. I know we will get through it. But I think that when someone overvalues someone else, they tend to get angry when they discover that. I don't want him to have that sort of anger with me. It's not fair to me. I've tried to be honest with him.
> Based on the past, maybe your relationship has moved into a new phase, and you're ready to face new challenges, more than you realize.
>
> The fact that you left his office feeling good says to me that this is not really such a bad thing-- just very new and hard to take in. But that you will, over time.
>
>
> NadezdaWell, an even better solution would be for him to have forgotten all this by the next time I see him. And dollars to donuts he will. Because I'm the one trying to figure it out between sessions. If I bring it up with him, I'd have to politely remind him what happened, then try to explain what affect I saw when it was happening. He'll think I'm totally nuts.
There are some benefits to having a therapist who forgets a whole heck of a lot.
And also some benefits to knowing what's bothering me during the session instead of after. After is no good at all with him. He'll have forgotten.
poster:Dinah
thread:843605
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080727/msgs/843751.html