![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 47. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by gardenergirl on January 1, 2006, at 7:46:10
I'm calmer now. But I spent about 90 minutes this a.m. sobbing to the point I thought I would break in two and my head would explode from all the sinus pressure. Uhhhh
My grandmother's death is bringing back old patterns and old hurts out the wazoo. Plus, hubby is giving me the cold shoulder lately due to something he's mad about, I assume....I have no energy to try to talk to him about it right now. So he's no source of support.
But all this waiting...both before and after her death waiting on details of services, etc. so I can make plans... has been hard. And I've been the one to try to stay on top of it. I've been the one calling my dad to check in on him and offer support. I've been the one who had to tell my sibs and has to keep them in the loop. I've been the one checking in on everyone on how they're doing.
Who's asking me about how I'm feeling?
(I know y'all are, but I mean IRL and from the people who are "supposed to".)
I asked myself that, and asked myself why hubby has not really offered any support or comfort. My last living grandparent just died, for heaven's sake! Shouldn't someone be comforting and supporting ME????????
And it just brought on these waves and waves and waves of past grief.
Because that's how it's always been.
As long as I can remember. I'm the one directing the circling of the wagons and making sure that everyone is accounted for, doing okay, and is safe. No one's helping me. No one's making sure I'm accounted for, okay, and safe, because of course, I must be, right?
Oh, I can't believe how badly this hurts. Please God, is there some pill or something else that I can do to make this pain go away?
Thank God I have therapy tomorrow.
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on January 1, 2006, at 9:21:40
In reply to Oh lordy, someone make the pain go away!, posted by gardenergirl on January 1, 2006, at 7:46:10
I just showed the above post to my husband, after he asked, "Are you okay?" (duh, look at my face, bucko!).
So, we ended up talking about HIS sh*t!
And essentially, I'm too needy. He's tapped out. I missed the boat. S*cks to be me.
ARGHHHHHHHH!
See, I had no faith that trying to talk to him about it would make any difference in feeling supported.
So my question is: Am I too needy? Am I being selfish?
So help me, if my T says, "I told you so" about my husband's lack of empathy and emotions, I'm going to punch him.
gg
Posted by fallsfall on January 1, 2006, at 10:12:05
In reply to OMG. Am I too needy?, posted by gardenergirl on January 1, 2006, at 9:21:40
Heavens, you are NOT too needy.
Your grandmother just died, and you are shouldering lots of responsibility about that. And you are grieving. My goodness, of course you are "needy" - this is perfectly reasonable. And someone should ought to be filling that need.
I'm going to write more, but I want you to know right now that you have a right to need support.
Posted by fallsfall on January 1, 2006, at 10:34:23
In reply to OMG. Am I too needy?, posted by gardenergirl on January 1, 2006, at 9:21:40
> I just showed the above post to my husband, after he asked, "Are you okay?" (duh, look at my face, bucko!).
*** The whole point is that you are NOT OK.
>
> So, we ended up talking about HIS sh*t!
>
> And essentially, I'm too needy. He's tapped out. I missed the boat. S*cks to be me.*** Let's reframe this:
I'm too needy -> He's not supportive enough
He's tapped out -> sucks to be him
Sucks to be you -> yes, it really does, that's why you need his support.>
> ARGHHHHHHHH!
>
> See, I had no faith that trying to talk to him about it would make any difference in feeling supported.*** Maybe he doesn't know what to do. Maybe he doesn't know how to support you. Can you tell him specific things that he can do ("listen to me whine for 45 minutes about how the arrangements aren't coming together", "Hold me and tell me that you love me", "Agree with me that it hurts to have my grandmother die", "Go to the store for my favorite ice cream")? Can you say "I don't know what I need you to do, but I need to know that you are willing to keep me company through this"?
>
> So my question is: Am I too needy? Am I being selfish?*** No.
>
> So help me, if my T says, "I told you so" about my husband's lack of empathy and emotions, I'm going to punch him.
>*** Hmmm, my therapist draws the line at physical contact...
> gg
((((((((((GG))))))))))
I am talking in therapy about vulnerability and strength. How I grew up believing that being vulnerable (i.e. not perfect, needy) was a bad thing. How a particular person in my life accepted my vulnerability for the first time in my life, and how I need to have that vulnerability now (in my typical black and white fashion).
I'm trying to get my arms around the concept that I can be strong and vulnerable at the same time. In your case that would mean that you do the communicating with your siblings and comfort your dad while needing comfort yourself. Maybe I'm not the only one who has trouble seeing these things happen at the same time. Maybe your husband thinks that if he is going to support you that he also has to handle all of the strong things that you are doing. Maybe it isn't that he can't support YOU, but that he can't support both you and all the things that you need to do. You don't need him to console your dad, you only need him to console you so that you can have the strength to console your dad.
Plus, it sounds like you think that there are old hurts that are coming up in response to current issues. I could see why that kind of pain could be a bit overwhelming for your husband (after all, it is a bit overwhelming for YOU). Can you recognize what is old pain and what is new pain? Can you compartmentalize the old pain and try to deal with that in therapy. Does this make any sense?
You absolutely have a right to your pain (old and new). The question is how can you marshall your supports to help you with this pain?
(There is something in the back of my mind about your grandmother deciding that she didn't want to live any more... Is this a background issue for you?)
((((((((((GG))))))))))
Posted by Tabitha on January 1, 2006, at 10:49:24
In reply to OMG. Am I too needy?, posted by gardenergirl on January 1, 2006, at 9:21:40
GG, I don't think you're 'too needy', sounds like in fact you're taking care of others in the midst of overwhelming grief. I guess calling a partner 'too needy' is just an unfortunate way of saying 'you're wanting more from me than I'm willing or able to provide right now'. Please don't take the bait and start looking for things wrong with you. This isn't the time for that. Not sure when is the time for that, but certainly not when you're going through the loss of a loved one. Nurture yourself as best you can. The grief will change, let up, and let go of you eventually. Hang on til therapy.
Posted by Larry Hoover on January 1, 2006, at 12:18:41
In reply to OMG. Am I too needy?, posted by gardenergirl on January 1, 2006, at 9:21:40
> I just showed the above post to my husband, after he asked, "Are you okay?" (duh, look at my face, bucko!).
>
> So, we ended up talking about HIS sh*t!
>
> And essentially, I'm too needy. He's tapped out. I missed the boat. S*cks to be me.You're not too needy, hon. You're starved.
Would you tell someone in sub-Saharan Africa they're too needy for wanting a bigger bowl of food, when they haven't eaten a thing in days? And that pattern has gone on for months? Nuh-uh.
You didn't miss the boat. He's never put one in the water. He's not tapped out. He doesn't even know what one looks like.
I wish I could just hold you until you had enough, and then a little longer anyway. And listen, until you were too tired to talk. It's normal to want that. I'm very sorry you don't have that, IRL.
All I have to offer is my patented Cyber-Bearhug®.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{gg}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Love,
Lar
Posted by jammerlich on January 1, 2006, at 12:39:18
In reply to OMG. Am I too needy?, posted by gardenergirl on January 1, 2006, at 9:21:40
GG, you are absolutely not too needy. Could it be that others see you as extremely capable and have kind of gotten used to having you take care of them? I'm noticing that a lot in my life. Everyone has gotten so used to my caretaking that I face - well, resistance - when I seek a little in return. Sometimes I think they don't even know how to give it and I wonder if I had any part in that.
I think you're completely justified in wondering, "who's taking care of me?" We all need that sometimes. Isn't that what the whole interdependency thing is about?
And I'm so sorry you ended up having to discuss your husband's crap when you tried to tell him how you were feeling. Mine does it too and it sucks and it really hurts.
(((((GG)))))
Posted by happyflower on January 1, 2006, at 13:18:45
First of all the pain of needing support and not getting it is about the worst feeling in the world. I unfortuantly have felt this, it really sucks.
2nd thing that is painful, is when you are trying to talk about your issues with someone and then they turn around to be about them, and your needs get lost. Hate that feeling, hate it when it happens.
Are you too needy? I would say no, but I would say that you probably need more support than normal concidering the death of your grandma, plus you reduced your therapy sessions too, not too long ago. Your husband needs to step up and support you during this painful time in your life. I can't believe he asked if you are okay after reading what you wrote, whats the symbol for a smack upside the head? LOL Not funny I know, but still why can husbands be so dense in the head?
I understand your crying and it really hurts to cry alone without much support. I know the feeling way too much. Take care of yourself, GG, take your time healing, and cry all you need to. When do you see your T next?
Posted by happyflower on January 1, 2006, at 13:20:27
In reply to (((((gardengirl)))))))))))), posted by happyflower on January 1, 2006, at 13:18:45
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on January 1, 2006, at 13:54:54
In reply to OMG. Am I too needy?, posted by gardenergirl on January 1, 2006, at 9:21:40
Okay, first you need a really big hug. ((GG))
Now I will share with you the wise advice my T gave me when I had spent the previous 50 min grieving and crying about my grandmother's death: drink plenty of water.
Seriously. That's what she said. Crying for long stretches is very dehydrating and so you should make sure to drink plenty of water. It was both cute and comforting. And I think that in a way it is very deep: there is no way to "fix" the pain of grief. No perfect words that will make it better. It hurts. A LOT. And so the best we can do is try to help a person along that difficult grief journey.
I think that the other point in this is that you can't forget to take care of yourself. You need to take care of you before you worry about the needs of your entire family. (Also, could you "assign" one of your sibs to check in w/ dad or something else?)
Also, I think that it is pretty darn needy to tell your grieving wife who struggles w/ severe depression that she is being needy. Grrr. Marriage is about give and take. Some days/months/years/decades one needs to take more than the other. I could go on and on about this one, but I suspect that this is not the time for that. I DO think that hubby should think about his own therapy.
A few more hugs our favorite GG: ((((GG)))) And a glass of water too!
Best,
EE
Posted by JenStar on January 1, 2006, at 13:56:14
In reply to Oh lordy, someone make the pain go away!, posted by gardenergirl on January 1, 2006, at 7:46:10
hi gg,
I'm so sorry about the pain, and NO, you're NOT too needy! You're a strong pillar of support for your family, and they take that for granted. Not in a mean way, just in a "for granted" way -- like, "GG's always the strong one, we can always go to her for comfort." They might not even consider that you need help, too.But what about asking them? can you go to a sibling or dad and say, "I need a hug. I need to cry. I'm a mess, and I will keep arranging and doing all the details, but I need you just to love me and support me and hold me right now while I cry."
Are you the kind of family that can do that?
Could you say that to your hubby?
I hope things get better.
take care!
jenStar
Posted by JenStar on January 1, 2006, at 14:00:06
In reply to OMG. Am I too needy?, posted by gardenergirl on January 1, 2006, at 9:21:40
hi gg,
if your hubby has serious sh** going on right now too, can you both comfort each other? Does he at least agree that you have "right" to grieve and fall apart right now?Are his issues that serious?
I'm sorry he's not being more supportive. But I don't think you're too needy; I think you're "normally" needy. And even if you WERE too needy -- sometimes we go through that when we're in pain, and spouses need to compromise and help sometimes. I wish he could do that for you.
I hope this gets better soon!
take care,
JenStar
Posted by Dinah on January 1, 2006, at 15:20:31
In reply to Oh lordy, someone make the pain go away!, posted by gardenergirl on January 1, 2006, at 7:46:10
Of course you aren't too needy!!! You and your husband might have a bit of a difference in your emotional expression styles and capabilities but that certainly doesn't make you wrong or your needs wrong.
I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. And I'm so sorry about your grandmother.
Is there any chance of making things a bit different this time? Of telling your family that you really can't do it all, and need to spread some of the job of emotional nurturance around? (Not incidentally so that you can get some of your own?)
I hope your therapist is able to give you some emotional holding tomorrow, gg. You deserve to be able to grieve yourself without having to worry about taking care of anyone else.
Posted by fairywings on January 1, 2006, at 16:46:02
In reply to Oh lordy, someone make the pain go away!, posted by gardenergirl on January 1, 2006, at 7:46:10
I'm so sorry (((gg))), i know how bad the pain is when you lose someone, and i know how much it hurts when others let you down. You shouldn't have to deal with your husbands sh*t right now, he's should be holding you up, or at least standing by your side.
I resigned from the world after my dad died, our son was born, and my mom died all w/in 8 months. By the time my mom died no one cared anymore. Well, they all s*uck.
I'm sure you'd be there for them in their time of need. I sure hope your T is able to help you now. Maybe you can get some extra sessions till you're feeling better.
fw
Posted by tryingtobewise on January 1, 2006, at 23:53:37
In reply to Re: Oh lordy, someone make the pain go away! » gardenergirl, posted by Dinah on January 1, 2006, at 15:20:31
I'm so sorry you are going through this! Please take care of yourself.
Kim
Posted by daisym on January 2, 2006, at 2:24:18
In reply to Oh lordy, someone make the pain go away!, posted by gardenergirl on January 1, 2006, at 7:46:10
I really wish I could GG. I'd do anything to help you stop hurting. I wish I could hold you and let you cry it all out and then you could rest and tell me all the sweet memories you have about your grandmother. And when you fell asleep, I'd keep watch.
I wish your husband was capable of offering you support right now. But just because he can't doesn't mean you don't deserve some. And I think you are such a natural caregiver that by making all these arrangements and keeping everyone informed, you might not look like you are having a hard time.
I hope therapy goes well for you tomorrow. Take it easy on yourself.
(((GG)))
Posted by gardenergirl on January 2, 2006, at 6:39:12
In reply to Re: OMG. Am I too needy? » gardenergirl, posted by fallsfall on January 1, 2006, at 10:12:05
> Heavens, you are NOT too needy.
>
> Your grandmother just died, and you are shouldering lots of responsibility about that. And you are grieving. My goodness, of course you are "needy" - this is perfectly reasonable. And someone should ought to be filling that need.Thanks for the validation. It helps to put things in perspective.
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on January 2, 2006, at 6:59:07
In reply to Re: OMG. Am I too needy?, posted by fallsfall on January 1, 2006, at 10:34:23
> > And essentially, I'm too needy. He's tapped out. I missed the boat. S*cks to be me.
>
> *** Let's reframe this:
>
> I'm too needy -> He's not supportive enough
> He's tapped out -> sucks to be him
> Sucks to be you -> yes, it really does, that's why you need his support.Yeah, that makes sense. Problem is, he feels he has been doing ALL the supporting, and he "got tired of it" and stopped. Um, how does that solve the problem? And frankly, I couldn't identify a time when he WAS supportive, so our perceptions are way off on this. And even if that were the case (he just gave and gave and gave and got nothing back), the issue is I DO need support NOW. It's so obvious to me, but so NOT to him.
>
> > See, I had no faith that trying to talk to him about it would make any difference in feeling supported.
>
> *** Maybe he doesn't know what to do. Maybe he doesn't know how to support you.That's it exactly. And the really tough part is, when we have these conversations, there is so much anger and tension in the room, it feels like a huge and unbridgeable divide between us. So even if he were to come over to hold me, I feel like I don't want to be touched just then. It's way too tense, too weird, and wouldn't feel comforting. I HATE that!
>Can you tell him specific things that he can do ("listen to me whine for 45 minutes about how the arrangements aren't coming together", "Hold me and tell me that you love me", "Agree with me that it hurts to have my grandmother die", "Go to the store for my favorite ice cream")? Can you say "I don't know what I need you to do, but I need to know that you are willing to keep me company through this"?
That's very good advice, and I think he would appreciate it. We did talk about how he doesn't know how to help, and then he takes this on himself as something he fails at. He's so practical, though. I suspect that holding me and telling me he loves me, or some other way of showing me that I am loved, cherished, etc....that's what I really feel like I am missing, wouldn't feel like something "useful" to him. But I suppose asking for it is a good start.
> >
> > So help me, if my T says, "I told you so" about my husband's lack of empathy and emotions, I'm going to punch him.
> >
>
> *** Hmmm, my therapist draws the line at physical contact...LOL. Mine too, I assume. And I doubt I could ever really punch someone. But I am primed to react negatively to him going into the relationship and hubby's needs without spending any time validating my pain. The little girl who is stamping her foot and yelling, "What about ME?" is much too present still.
> ((((((((((GG))))))))))
Thanks, sweetie. That feels even better when I remember actually getting to hug you in person. :)
>
> I am talking in therapy about vulnerability and strength. How I grew up believing that being vulnerable (i.e. not perfect, needy) was a bad thing. How a particular person in my life accepted my vulnerability for the first time in my life, and how I need to have that vulnerability now (in my typical black and white fashion).Sounds familiar to me. In my family, being vulnerable just got you chastised, ignored, or looked at with disdain. Certainly didn't get you any support or care.
>
> I'm trying to get my arms around the concept that I can be strong and vulnerable at the same time. In your case that would mean that you do the communicating with your siblings and comfort your dad while needing comfort yourself. Maybe I'm not the only one who has trouble seeing these things happen at the same time. Maybe your husband thinks that if he is going to support you that he also has to handle all of the strong things that you are doing. Maybe it isn't that he can't support YOU, but that he can't support both you and all the things that you need to do. You don't need him to console your dad, you only need him to console you so that you can have the strength to console your dad.Oh wow, I think you nailed it as far as how my husband views it. We have a similar problem going regarding his frustration with my procrastinatino of school work. I keep trying to tell him and show him that he can't HELP me do the work, but he can SUPPORT me in the process. To me, that's a clear difference, but he can't really separate that out. And whether I do or don't do the work is something he's taken on himself as a reflection of him. I keep trying to help him separate it out. I wonder what his T says about it, or if he even brings that aspect of our conflict out in sessions.
I did tell him I need him to just love me and support me unconditionally and without tying any of it to performance or specific issues. I just react so poorly to conditional support. It's all I've known growing up. And it makes me both very very hurt and very very angry.
We finally got on the same page yesterday, that couples therapy is something we should do NOW versus later.
>
> Plus, it sounds like you think that there are old hurts that are coming up in response to current issues. I could see why that kind of pain could be a bit overwhelming for your husband (after all, it is a bit overwhelming for YOU).Yeah, I assume it would be overwhelming. But he doesn't seem to even SEE it. To me, it's obvious from what I wrote in my first post. Or if he came downstairs while I was sobbing, hyperventilating, shaking and feeling like I was dying. I've sobbed somewhat like that in front of him before, and he has no outward reaction. He makes no move to come near me. And that hurts as much or more than whatever the beginning pain was.
>Can you recognize what is old pain and what is new pain? Can you compartmentalize the old pain and try to deal with that in therapy. Does this make any sense?
Yeah, and actually, I think it was recognizing that the current pain was being triggered or is a similar playing out of old patterns is what moved me from crying into terrible grief. I think I was finally crying/grieving over that issue and it was loaded, just loaded with pain that felt like it would destroy me.
>
> You absolutely have a right to your pain (old and new). The question is how can you marshall your supports to help you with this pain?Well, first step was to get myself some soothing things: a hot washcloth, lavender and mint oils in the perfume burner, a diet coke, and a heating pad for my back (it just felt comforting with the warmth and the weight). Then once I could see and breathe again, I came here. I knew I could come here. :)
And I also last night asked my mom to call my sibs with the latest update regarding plans. And I asked my husband to make the travel arrangements for this weekend. That is helping.
>
> (There is something in the back of my mind about your grandmother deciding that she didn't want to live any more... Is this a background issue for you?)Not really, I don't think. I was worried that she was going to be in more pain or discomfort than she realized. But Hospice did a very good job. My dad had a real problem with it, and none of the boys are handling her death all that well at the moment. But who would? Still, that darned sensitivitiy and caregiving aspect of me reacts. I need to remind myself how much that takes out of me and do extra self-care. Like the hot fudge sundae I had for breakfast the other day. And I should get another massage.
Thanks, falls. Your words have been very helpful and calming.
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on January 2, 2006, at 7:01:16
In reply to Re: OMG. Am I too needy? » gardenergirl, posted by Tabitha on January 1, 2006, at 10:49:24
> GG, I don't think you're 'too needy', sounds like in fact you're taking care of others in the midst of overwhelming grief. I guess calling a partner 'too needy' is just an unfortunate way of saying 'you're wanting more from me than I'm willing or able to provide right now'.
That's a good way to put it, and I think you're right. Add to that his own needs, which I can't recognize, because he's Mr. Spock and I can't read his mind...so he feels like he's unsupported, too.
> Please don't take the bait and start looking for things wrong with you. This isn't the time for that. Not sure when is the time for that, but certainly not when you're going through the loss of a loved one. Nurture yourself as best you can. The grief will change, let up, and let go of you eventually. Hang on til therapy.
Thanks Tabitha, especially for pointing out what I was doing by taking the bait. And for offering hope. :)
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on January 2, 2006, at 7:06:03
In reply to Re: OMG. Am I too needy? » gardenergirl, posted by Larry Hoover on January 1, 2006, at 12:18:41
> You're not too needy, hon. You're starved.
>
> Would you tell someone in sub-Saharan Africa they're too needy for wanting a bigger bowl of food, when they haven't eaten a thing in days? And that pattern has gone on for months? Nuh-uh.Oh lordy, Larry. You really do get it. It's hard for me to express just how much I've missed and need. My husband just doesn't get this at all. Starved is exactly the way to put it. I think my T said that once, too. And just reading that word gives me such an emotional punch (in a good way), I know it's right. Stinks, but it's right.
>
> You didn't miss the boat. He's never put one in the water. He's not tapped out. He doesn't even know what one looks like.Yeah, and when I'm not so upset, I can feel sorry for him for this.
>
> I wish I could just hold you until you had enough, and then a little longer anyway. And listen, until you were too tired to talk. It's normal to want that. I'm very sorry you don't have that, IRL.Oh Lar. What a beautiful wish. That's really want I need. I asked emmy in an IM if she would feed me, tuck me into bed, and then stay with me til I fell asleep. I just want to feel cared for and loved. Even a little bit. (here come the tears again)
Thank you for getting it and validating how I'm feeling.
And for the bear hug. :)
Want to think about teaching a course for husbands on sensitivity? Or at least on the power and necessity of bear hugs?
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on January 2, 2006, at 7:10:45
In reply to NOT too needy!!!! » gardenergirl, posted by jammerlich on January 1, 2006, at 12:39:18
> GG, you are absolutely not too needy. Could it be that others see you as extremely capable and have kind of gotten used to having you take care of them?
Yeah, I think that's part of it. And like falls said, too--being strong doesn't mean not being vulnerable, but that's a more complicated stance that perhaps what others can perceive (and we ourselves can perceive).
>I'm noticing that a lot in my life. Everyone has gotten so used to my caretaking that I face - well, resistance - when I seek a little in return. Sometimes I think they don't even know how to give it and I wonder if I had any part in that.
I wouldn't take that on yourself. They certainly could learn from observation and experiencing it from you. But maybe they begin to expect it from you, and then don't ever feel "the need" to apply it themselves?
>
> I think you're completely justified in wondering, "who's taking care of me?" We all need that sometimes. Isn't that what the whole interdependency thing is about?Yep. And thanks.
>
> And I'm so sorry you ended up having to discuss your husband's crap when you tried to tell him how you were feeling. Mine does it too and it sucks and it really hurts.Yeah. Honestly, I think he read the post and just honed in on the part about him, when it was really a minor part of the bigger picture. And apparently he's angry enough to continue to withhold support and caring in the face of obvious need. Which hurts like hell, and also just puzzles me beyond belief. But it is apparent that this is his pattern. One that definitely needs to change.
>
> (((((GG)))))Thanks.
Charter members of the Overdoing it Caregivers' Club? sigh
Take care,
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on January 2, 2006, at 7:12:59
In reply to (((((gardengirl)))))))))))), posted by happyflower on January 1, 2006, at 13:18:45
Thanks for the hug. :)
> First of all the pain of needing support and not getting it is about the worst feeling in the world. I unfortuantly have felt this, it really sucks.
I'm sorry you know this feeling. It does s*ck.
> 2nd thing that is painful, is when you are trying to talk about your issues with someone and then they turn around to be about them, and your needs get lost. Hate that feeling, hate it when it happens.
Yeah, it's almost a slap in the face that not only am I not going to support you, I'm going to demand more from you. Sheesh.
> Are you too needy? I would say no, but I would say that you probably need more support than normal concidering the death of your grandma, plus you reduced your therapy sessions too, not too long ago. Your husband needs to step up and support you during this painful time in your life. I can't believe he asked if you are okay after reading what you wrote, whats the symbol for a smack upside the head? LOL
We need to come up with one. Or a forehead flick.
>Not funny I know, but still why can husbands be so dense in the head?
I'll ask my T that today.
> I understand your crying and it really hurts to cry alone without much support. I know the feeling way too much. Take care of yourself, GG, take your time healing, and cry all you need to. When do you see your T next?
Thanks, sweetie. I appreciate your support and understanding. I see T this a.m.
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on January 2, 2006, at 7:19:10
In reply to Re: OMG. Am I too needy? » gardenergirl, posted by Emily Elizabeth on January 1, 2006, at 13:54:54
> Okay, first you need a really big hug. ((GG))
Thanks, yes I do.
>
> Now I will share with you the wise advice my T gave me when I had spent the previous 50 min grieving and crying about my grandmother's death: drink plenty of water.LOL, that's good, practical advice and it makes a lot of sense. You know, for once I didn't get the "crying headache", which can be so terribly painful. It may be because I had two cups of herbal tea right after. One of the Tension Tamer and then a bit later some peppermint, because I was afraid I was going to lose it, stomach-wise. Both helped. And after reading your post, I had a big glass of water. I don't feel so yucky today. Thanks!
>
> And I think that in a way it is very deep: there is no way to "fix" the pain of grief. No perfect words that will make it better. It hurts. A LOT. And so the best we can do is try to help a person along that difficult grief journey.Yeah. That's the thing--I felt so completely alone. And I felt like I might break or die from the pain, which was scary and overwhelming for me. I think this just might have been as bad as I've ever felt it. I had a thought that I just wanted to curl up and die somewhere, which might be the very first time I ever had that kind of "ideation." Scary.
>
> I think that the other point in this is that you can't forget to take care of yourself. You need to take care of you before you worry about the needs of your entire family. (Also, could you "assign" one of your sibs to check in w/ dad or something else?)Yes, it's easy to forget when you're expected and even asked to do stuff. But last night I asked my mom to call my sibs to update them. That was easy and felt like a relief. And my husband is going to arrange for a cargo van for moving some of Grandma's stuff to our house. Things she wanted us to have.
>
> Also, I think that it is pretty darn needy to tell your grieving wife who struggles w/ severe depression that she is being needy. Grrr. Marriage is about give and take. Some days/months/years/decades one needs to take more than the other. I could go on and on about this one, but I suspect that this is not the time for that. I DO think that hubby should think about his own therapy.He's actually in his own therapy. I still don't know that he "gets" the concept and course of depression. He's such a practical, work-ethic, disciplined kind of guy. I love that about him, but it is NOT an approach for helping depression.
>
> A few more hugs our favorite GG: ((((GG)))) And a glass of water too!Thanks. I really appreciate it.
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on January 2, 2006, at 7:22:18
In reply to Re: Oh lordy, someone make the pain go away! » gardenergirl, posted by JenStar on January 1, 2006, at 13:56:14
> hi gg,
> I'm so sorry about the pain, and NO, you're NOT too needy! You're a strong pillar of support for your family, and they take that for granted. Not in a mean way, just in a "for granted" way -- like, "GG's always the strong one, we can always go to her for comfort." They might not even consider that you need help, too.Yeah, that's what my husband said, "you looked fine." Well did you ASK? grrr
>
> But what about asking them? can you go to a sibling or dad and say, "I need a hug. I need to cry. I'm a mess, and I will keep arranging and doing all the details, but I need you just to love me and support me and hold me right now while I cry."I think that makes sense, but in my family, that would be taking a very big risk. We do seem to be getting better at showing our feelings to each other and supporting...just a bit. But my whole life, I never got that caring, and so I learned not to ask for it, because the rejection/withholding hurt worse than just trying to struggle on my own.
> >
> Could you say that to your hubby?Yes, and in fact, I need to. But that fear of rejection or lack of faith that anything would change is a powerful inhibitor.
>
> I hope things get better.
> take care!
> jenStarThanks. Glad to see you back here.
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on January 2, 2006, at 7:27:34
In reply to Re: OMG. Am I too needy? » gardenergirl, posted by JenStar on January 1, 2006, at 14:00:06
> hi gg,
> if your hubby has serious sh** going on right now too, can you both comfort each other? Does he at least agree that you have "right" to grieve and fall apart right now?We can try. I'm not sure he can cope with my grieving and needs for support right now, because in his opinion, he's the neglected one. So despite what is an extraordinary circumstance (and it's the second death in my family in a month), he can't let go of his own "score" in the support department.
That tells me he's very very angry about this, which he only expresses by shutting me out. And then whipping out a wallopingly cruel act when it gets too much (thinking of my birthday and our anniversary).
So when I asked him why we were talking about his hurts and needs when I was the one so obviously in need at the moment, he basically said, "too bad". Mine are more important. I wish I could be a fly on the wall at his therapy. I bet I come across like such a bitch.
>
> Are his issues that serious?I take them seriously, but I only have so much energy and ability to cope with them when I have to try to read his mind and anticpate his needs. And all while dealing with my own stuff.
>
> I'm sorry he's not being more supportive. But I don't think you're too needy; I think you're "normally" needy. And even if you WERE too needy -- sometimes we go through that when we're in pain, and spouses need to compromise and help sometimes. I wish he could do that for you.Thanks. I wish that, too. Even last night, although he was acting kinder, he still was dwelling on how we were going to work on getting HIS needs met.
Sigh
Couples therapy here we come!
gg
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